Barry Lyndon

W >> William Makepeace Thackeray >> Barry Lyndon

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28

CHAPTER V

BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY

After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to
confess that I fell into the very worst of courses and company.
Being a rough soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a
favourite with the officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for
Irishmen, as Englishmen sometimes will have, and used to mock his
brogue, and his blunt uncouth manners. I had been insolent to one or
two of them, and had only been screened from punishment by his
intercession; especially his successor, Mr. Rawson, had no liking
for me, and put another man into the sergeant's place vacant in his
company after the battle of Minden. This act of injustice rendered
my service very disagreeable to me; and, instead of seeking to
conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their goodwill by good
behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation easier to
me, and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a foreign
country, with the enemy before us, and the people continually under
contribution from one side or the other, numberless irregularities
were permitted to the troops which would not have been allowed in
more peaceable times. I descended gradually to mix with the
sergeants, and to share their amusements: drinking and gambling
were, I am sorry to say, our principal pastimes; and I fell so
readily into their ways, that though only a young lad of seventeen,
I was the master of them all in daring wickedness; though there were
some among them who, I promise you, were far advanced in the science
of every kind of profligacy. I should have been under the provost-
marshal's hands, for a dead certainty, had I continued much longer
in the army: but an accident occurred which took me out of the
English service in rather a singular manner.

The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be
present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and
his horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the
cavalry since Lord George Sackville's defalcation at Minden), and
where Prince Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen.
During the action, my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the
gentleman who had threatened me, it may be remembered, with the
caning, was struck by a musket-ball in the side. He had shown no
want of courage in this or any other occasion where he had been
called upon to act against the French; but this was his first wound,
and the young gentleman was exceedingly frightened by it. He offered
five guineas to be carried into the town, which was hard by; and I
and another man, taking him up in a cloak, managed to transport him
into a place of decent appearance, where we put him to bed, and
where a young surgeon (who desired nothing better than to take
himself out of the fire of the musketry) went presently to dress his
wound.

In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be
confessed, to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons
brought an inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and
black-eyed young woman, who lived there with her old half-blind
father, a retired Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When
the French were in the town, Meinherr's house had suffered like
those of his neighbours; and he was at first exceedingly unwilling
to accommodate his guests. But the first knocking at the door had
the effect of bringing a speedy answer; and Mr. Fakenham, taking a
couple of guineas out of a very full purse, speedily convinced the
people that they had only to deal with a person of honour.

Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who
paid me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with
my other comrade--after having paid, in my German jargon, some
deserved compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and
thinking, with no small envy, how comfortable it would be to be
billeted there--when the private who was with me cut short my
reveries by suggesting that we should divide the five guineas the
lieutenant had given me.

'There is your share,' said I, giving the fellow one piece; which
was plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a
dreadful oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to
a quarter which I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket,
hit me a blow with the butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the
ground: when I awoke from my> trance, I found myself bleeding with a
large wound in the head, and had barely time to stagger back to the
house where I had left the lieutenant, when I again fell fainting at
the door.

Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out;
for when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of
the house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was
copiously bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room
where the lieutenant had been laid,--it was that occupied by Gretel,
the servant; while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till
now, slept in the couch where the wounded officer lay.

'Who are you putting into that bed?' said he languidly, in German;
for the ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and
loss of blood.

They told him it was the corporal who had brought him.

'A corporal?' said he, in English; 'turn him out.' And you may be
sure I felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too
faint to compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to
bed carefully; and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find
that my pockets had been rifled by the English soldier after he had
knocked me down. However, I was in good quarters: the young lady who
sheltered me presently brought me a refreshing drink; and, as I took
it, I could not help pressing the kind hand that gave it me; nor, in
truth, did this token of my gratitude seem unwelcome.

This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found
Lischen the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be
provided for the wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the
bed opposite his, and to the avaricious man's no small annoyance.
His illness was long. On the second day the fever declared itself;
for some nights he was delirious; and I remember it was when a
commanding officer was inspecting our quarters, with an intention,
very likely, of billeting himself on the house, that the howling and
mad words of the patient overhead struck him, and he retired rather
frightened. I had been sitting up very comfortably in the lower
apartment, for my hurt was quite subsided; and it was only when the
officer asked me, with a rough voice, why I was not at my regiment,
that I began to reflect how pleasant my quarters were to me, and
that I was much better here than crawling under an odious tent with
a parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going the night-rounds or rising long
before daybreak for drill.

The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined
forthwith to GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady's Town
called 'Wandering Billy,' whose insane pranks I had often mimicked
as a lad, and I again put them in practice. That night I made an
attempt upon Lischen, saluting her with a yell and a grin which
frightened her almost out of her wits; and when anybody came I was
raving. The blow on the head had disordered my brain; the doctor was
ready to vouch for this fact. One night I whispered to him that I
was Julius Caesar, and considered him to be my affianced wife Queen
Cleopatra, which convinced him of my insanity. Indeed, if Her
Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must have had a carroty
beard, such as is rare in Egypt.

A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on
our part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops,
whose surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we
were well, we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that
I never would join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland,
almost the only neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence
to get a passage somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady's
Town.

If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my
conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to
frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of
Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon
the patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object
to have him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility
and mildness, meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all
his favours to me. Nor was I the only person in the house to whom
the worthy gentleman was uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither
and thither, made impertinent love to her, abused her soups,
quarrelled with her omelettes, and grudged the money which was laid
out for his maintenance; so that our hostess detested him as much
as, I think, without vanity, she regarded me.

For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her
during my stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of
whatever age or degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way
in the world, these dear girls can always be useful in one fashion
or another; never mind, if they repel your passion; at any rate,
they are not offended with your declaration of it, and only look
upon you with more favourable eyes in consequence of your
misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such a pathetic story of my
life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that here narrated,--
for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that history, as
in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl's heart
entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the German
language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and
heartless, ladies; this heart of Lischen's was like many a town in
the neighbourhood in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and
occupied several times before I came to invest it; now mounting
French colours, now green and yellow Saxon, now black and white
Prussian, as the case may be. A lady who sets her heart upon a lad
in uniform must prepare to change lovers pretty quickly, or her life
will be but a sad one.

The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the
English only condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my
residence; and I took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a
darkened room, much to the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there:
but I said the light affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on
the head; and so I covered up my head with clothes when the doctor
came, and told him that I was an Egyptian mummy, or talked to him
some insane nonsense, in order to keep up my character.

'What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy,
fellow?' asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly.

'Oh! you'll know soon, sir,' said I.

The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of
receiving him in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took
care to be in the lower room, and was having a game at cards with
Lischen as the surgeon entered. I had taken possession of a
dressing-jacket of the lieutenant's, and some other articles of his
wardrobe, which fitted me pretty well; and, I flatter myself, was no
ungentlemanlike figure.

'Good-morrow, Corporal,' said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply
to my smiling salute.

'Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,' answered I, giving an arch
look at Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot.

'How lieutenant?' asked the surgeon. 'I thought the lieutenant was'--

'Upon my word, you do me great honour,' cried I, laughing; 'you
mistook me for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or
twice pretended to be an officer, but my kind hostess here can
answer which is which.'

'Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,' said Lischen; 'the
day you came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.'

'So he did,' said the doctor; 'I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know,
Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?'

'Don't talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.'

Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing
in the world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I
cautioned him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady,
for he was in a very excited state.

The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what
my design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape
under the character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to
his face, as it were, and making use of it to meet my imperious
necessity. It was forgery and robbery, if you like; for I took all
his money and clothes,--I don't care to conceal it; but the need was
so urgent, that I would do so again: and I knew I could not effect
my escape without his purse, as well as his name. Hence it became my
duty to take possession of one and the other.

As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at
all about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to
inform myself from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know
me were in the town. But there were none that I could hear of; and
so I calmly took my walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the
lieutenant's uniform, made inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to
purchase, reported myself to the commandant of the place as
Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale's English regiment of foot,
convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers of the
Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham would
have stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his
name!

Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did
with many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the
regiment for inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed
him that they were put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact,
had them very neatly packed, and ready for the day when I proposed
to depart. His papers and money, however, he kept under his pillow;
and, as I had purchased a horse, it became necessary to pay for it.

At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round,
when I would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux
with my kind hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then,
making up my mind to the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham's
room attired in his full regimentals, and with his hat cocked over
my left eye.

'You gWeat scoundWel!' said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; 'you
mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my
Wegimentals? As sure as my name's Fakenham, when we get back to the
Wegiment, I'll have your soul cut out of your body.'

'I'm promoted, Lieutenant,' said I, with a sneer. 'I'm come to take
my leave of you;' and then going up to his bed, I said, 'I intend to
have your papers and purse.' With this I put my hand under his
pillow; at which he gave a scream that might have called the whole
garrison about my ears. 'Hark ye, sir!' said I, 'no more noise, or
you are a dead man!' and taking a handkerchief, I bound it tight
around his mouth so as well-nigh to throttle him, and, pulling
forward the sleeves of his shirt, tied them in a knot together, and
so left him; removing the papers and the purse, you may be sure, and
wishing him politely a good day.

'It is the mad corporal,' said I to the people down below who were
attracted by the noise from the sick man's chamber; and so taking
leave of the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how
tender) of his daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and,
as I pranced away, and the sentinels presented arms to me at the
town-gates, felt once more that I was in my proper sphere, and
determined never again to fall from the rank of a gentleman.

I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave
out that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian
commandant of Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of
sight of the advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the
Hesse-Cassel territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg:
and I promise you I was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on
the barriers, which showed me that I was out of the land occupied by
our countrymen. I rode to Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving
out that I was the bearer of despatches to Prince Henry, then on the
Lower Rhine, and put up at the best hotel of the place, where the
field-officers of the garrison had their ordinary. These gentlemen I
treated to the best wines that the house afforded, for I was
determined to keep up the character of the English gentleman, and I
talked to them about my English estates with a fluency that almost
made me believe in the stories which I invented. I was even asked to
an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector's palace, and danced a
minuet there with the Hofmarshal's lovely daughter, and lost a few
pieces to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness.

At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me
with great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about
England; which I answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound
to say, was bad enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court,
and the noble families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness
of youth (and a propensity which I possessed in my early days, but
of which I have long since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a
manner not altogether consonant with truth), I invented a thousand
stories which I told him; described the King and the Ministers to
him, said the British Ambassador at Berlin was my uncle, and
promised my acquaintance a letter of recommendation to him. When the
officer asked me my uncle's name, I was not able to give him the
real name, and so said his name was O'Grady: it is as good a name as
any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county Cork, are as good a
family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for stories about my
regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my other
histories had been equally authentic.

On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an
open smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for
Dusseldorf, whither I said my route lay; and so laying our horses'
heads together we jogged on. The country was desolate beyond
description. The prince in whose dominions we were was known to be
the most ruthless seller of men in Germany. He would sell to any
bidder, and during the five years which the war (afterwards called
the Seven Years' War) had now lasted, had so exhausted the males of
his principality, that the fields remained untilled: even the
children of twelve years old were driven off to the war, and I saw
herds of these wretches marching forwards, attended by a few
troopers, now under the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian
sergeant, now with a Prussian sub-officer accompanying them; with
some of whom my companion exchanged signs of recognition.

'It hurts my feelings,' said he, 'to be obliged to commune with such
wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually,
and hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They
get five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they
bring in. For fine men--for men like you,' he added, laughing, 'we
would go as high as a hundred. In the old King's time we would have
given a thousand for you, when he had his giant regiment that our
present monarch disbanded.'

'I knew one of them,' said I, 'who served with you: we used to call
him Morgan Prussia.'

'Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?'

'Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in
Hanover by some of your recruiters.'

'The rascals!' said my friend: 'and did they dare take an
Englishman?'

''Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them;
as you shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the
giant guard, and was the biggest man almost among all the giants
there. Many of these monsters used to complain of their life, and
their caning, and their long drills, and their small pay; but Morgan
was not one of the grumblers. "It's a deal better," said he, "to get
fat here in Berlin, than to starve in rags in Tipperary!"'

'Where is Tipperary?' asked my companion.

'That is exactly what Morgan's friends asked him. It is a beautiful
district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of
Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and
London, and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well,
Morgan said that his birthplace was near that city, and the only
thing which caused him unhappiness, in his present situation, was
the thought that his brothers were still starving at home, when they
might be so much better off in His Majesty's service.

'"'Faith," says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the
information, "it's my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant
of the guards, entirely!"

'"Is Ben as tall as you are?" asked the sergeant.

'"As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I'm the shortest of my family!
There's six more of us, but Bin's the biggest of all. Oh! out and
out the biggest. Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name's
Morgan!"

'"Can't we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?"

'"Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the
cane, they've a mortal aversion to all sergeants," answered Morgan:
"but it's a pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be
in a grenadier's cap!"

'He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only
sighed as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told
by the sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King
himself; and His Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he
actually consented to let Morgan go home in order to bring back with
him his seven enormous brothers.'

'And were they as big as Morgan pretended?' asked my comrade. I
could not help laughing at his simplicity.

'Do you suppose,' cried I, 'that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once
free, he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in
Tipperary with the money that was given him to secure his brothers;
and I fancy few men of the guards ever profited so much by it.'

The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that
the English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my
setting him right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode
on very well pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories
of the war to tell, of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the
thousand escapes, and victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious
than victories, through which the King had passed. Now that I was a
gentleman, I could listen with admiration to these tales: and yet
the sentiment recorded at the end of the last chapter was uppermost
in my mind but three weeks back, when I remembered that it was the
great general got the glory, and the poor soldier only insult and
the cane.

'By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?' asked the officer.

It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at hap-
hazard; and so I said 'To General Rolls.' I had seen the general a
year before, and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite
satisfied with it, and we continued our ride until evening came on;
and our horses being weary, it was agreed that we should come to a
halt.

'There is a very good inn,' said the Captain, as we rode up to what
appeared to me a very lonely-looking place.

'This may be a very good inn for Germany,' said I, 'but it would not
pass in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on
for Corbach.'

'Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?' said the
officer. 'Ah! you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;' and,
truth to say, such a proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don't
care to own. 'The people are great farmers,' said the Captain, 'as
well as innkeepers;' and, indeed, the place seemed more a farm than
an inn yard. We entered by a great gate into a Court walled round,
and at one end of which was the building, a dingy ruinous place. A
couple of covered waggens were in the court, their horses were
littered under a shed hard by, and lounging about the place were
some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian uniform, who both
touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This customary
formality struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect of the
inn had something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, and I
observed the men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were
entered. Parties of French horsemen, the Captain said, were about
the country, and one could not take too many precautions against
such villains.

We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our
horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to
my bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his
pains.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28