Barry Lyndon

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My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation
was to be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had
been consulting the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that
all the signs betokened a separation; then, taking out a stocking
from her escritoire, the kind soul put twenty guineas in a purse for
me (she had herself but twenty-five), and made up a little valise,
to be placed at the back of my mare, in which were my clothes,
linen, and a silver dressing-case of my father's. She bade me, too,
to keep the sword and the pistols I had known to use so like a man.
She hurried my departure now (though her heart, I know, was full),
and almost in half-an-hour after my arrival at home I was once more
on the road again, with the wide world as it were before me. I need
not tell how Tim and the cook cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I
had a tear or two myself in my eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY
sad who has liberty for the first time, and twenty guineas in his
pocket: and I rode away, thinking, I confess, not so much of the
kind mother left alone, and of the home behind me, as of to-morrow,
and all the wonders it would bring.

CHAPTER III

A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD

I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and
being asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it
as Mr. Redmond, according to my cousin's instructions, and said I
was of the Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to
Trinity College, Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome
appearance, silver-hiked sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord
made free to send up a jug of claret without my asking; and charged,
you may be sure, pretty handsomely for it in the bill. No gentleman
in those good old days went to bed without a good share of liquor to
set him sleeping, and on this my first day's entrance into the
world, I made a point to act the fine gentleman completely; and, I
assure you, succeeded in my part to admiration. The excitement of
the events of the day, the quitting my home, the meeting with
Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a whirl, without the
claret; which served to finish me completely. I did not dream of the
death of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have done; indeed, I
have never had any of that foolish remorse consequent upon any of my
affairs of honour: always considering, from the first, that where a
gentleman risks his own life in manly combat, he is a fool to be
ashamed because he wins. I slept at Carlow as sound as man could
sleep; drank a tankard of small beer and a toast to my breakfast;
and exchanged the first of my gold pieces to settle the bill, not
forgetting to pay all the servants liberally, and as a gentleman
should. I began so the first day of my life, and so have continued.
No man has been at greater straits than I, and has borne more
pinching poverty and hardship; but nobody can say of me that, if I
had a guinea, I was not free-handed with it, and did not spend it as
well as a lord could do.

I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person,
parts, and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had
twenty gold guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was
mistaken) I calculated would last me for four months at least,
during which time something would be done towards the making of my
fortune. So I rode on, singing to myself, or chatting with the
passers-by; and all the girls along the road said God save me for a
clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle Brady, between to-day and
yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of half-a-score of years. I
vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a great man; and I
kept my vow too, as you shall hear in due time.

There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king's highroad in
those times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you
from one end of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The
gentry rode their own horses or drove in their own coaches, and
spent three days on a journey which now occupies ten hours; so that
there was no lack of company for a person travelling towards Dublin.
I made part of the journey from Carlow towards Naas with a well-
armed gentleman from Kilkenny, dressed in green and a gold cord,
with a patch on his eye, and riding a powerful mare. He asked me the
question of the day, and whither I was bound, and whether my mother
was not afraid on account of the highwaymen to let one so young as
myself to travel? But I said, pulling out one of them from a
holster, that I had a pair of good pistols that had already done
execution, and were ready to do it again; and here, a pock-marked
man coming up, he put spurs into his bay mare and left me. She was a
much more powerful animal than mine; and, besides, I did not wish to
fatigue my horse, wishing to enter Dublin that night, and in
reputable condition.

As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people
assembled round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I
thought, making off half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling
'Stop thief!' at the top of his voice; but the country fellows were
only laughing at his distress, and making all sorts of jokes at the
adventure which had just befallen.

'Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!' says one
fellow.

'Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!'
cries another.

'The next time my Lady travels, she'd better lave you at home!' said
a third.

'What is this noise, fellows?' said I, riding up amongst them, and,
seeing a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash
of my whip, and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. 'What has
happened, madam, to annoy your Ladyship?' I said, pulling off my
hat, and bringing my mare up in a prance to the chair window.

The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was
hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped
by a highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on
his knees armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in
the next field working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of
them would help her; but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as
they called the highwayman, good luck.

'Sure he's the friend of the poor,' said one fellow, 'and good luck
to him!'

'Was it any business of ours?' asked another. And another told,
grinning, that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed
the jury to acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had
mounted his horse at the gaol door, and the very next day had robbed
two barristers who were going the circuit.

I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should
taste of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort
Mrs. Fitzsimons under her misfortunes. 'Had she lost much?'
'Everything: her purse, containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her
jewels, snuff-boxes, watches, and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of
the Captain's.' These mishaps I sincerely commiserated; and knowing
her by her accent to be an Englishwoman, deplored the difference
that existed between the two countries, and said that in OUR country
(meaning England) such atrocities were unknown.

'You, too, are an Englishman?' said she, with rather a tone of
surprise. On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I
was; and I never knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not
wish he could say as much.

I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon's chair all the way to Naas; and, as she
had been robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple
of pieces to pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was
graciously pleased to accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough
to invite me to share her dinner. To the lady's questions regarding
my birth and parentage, I replied that I was a young gentleman of
large fortune (this was not true; but what is the use of crying bad
fish? my dear mother instructed me early in this sort of prudence)
and good family in the county of Waterford; that I was going to
Dublin for my studies, and that my mother allowed me five hundred
per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally communicative. She was the
daughter of General Granby Somerset of Worcestershire, of whom, of
course, I had heard (and though I had not, of course I was too well-
bred to say so); and had made, as she must confess, a runaway match
with Ensign Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been in Donegal?--No! That
was a pity. The Captain's father possesses a hundred thousand acres
there, and Fitzsimonsburgh Castle's the finest mansion in Ireland.
Captain Fitzsimons is the eldest son; and, though he has quarrelled
with his father, must inherit the vast property. She went on to tell
me about the balls at Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the horse-
races at the Phoenix, the ridottos and routs, until I became quite
eager to join in those pleasures; and I only felt grieved to think
that my position would render secrecy necessary, and prevent me from
being presented at the Court, of which the Fitzsimonses were the
most elegant ornaments. How different was her lively rattle to that
of the vulgar wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every sentence
she mentioned a lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke
French and Italian, of the former of which languages I have said I
knew a few words; and, as for her English accent, why, perhaps I was
no judge of that, for, to say the truth, she was the first REAL
English person I had ever met. She recommended me, further, to be
very cautious with regard to the company I should meet at Dublin,
where rogues and adventurers of all countries abounded; and my
delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, when, as our
conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), she
kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house,
where her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her
gallant young preserver.

'Indeed, madam,' said I, 'I have preserved nothing for you.' Which
was perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery
to prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls?

'And sure, ma'am, them wasn't much,' said Sullivan, the blundering
servant, who had been so frightened at Freny's approach, and was
waiting on us at dinner. 'Didn't he return you the thirteenpence in
copper, and the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?'

But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of
the room at once, saying to me when he had gone, 'that the fool
didn't know what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was
in the pocket-book that Freny took from her.'

Perhaps had I been a little older in the world's experience, I
should have begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of
fashion she pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories
for truth, and, when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid
it with the air of a lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the
two pieces I had lent to her; and so we rode on slowly towards
Dublin, into which city we made our entrance at nightfall. The
rattle and splendour of the coaches, the flare of the linkboys, the
number and magnificence of the houses, struck me with the greatest
wonder; though I was careful to disguise this feeling, according to
my dear mother's directions, who told me that it was the mark of a
man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and never to admit that
any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more splendid or genteel
than what he had been accustomed to at home.

We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and
were let into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville,
where there was a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced
man, without a periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap,
made his appearance from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it
was Captain Fitzsimons) with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed,
when he saw that a stranger accompanied her, he embraced her more
rapturously than ever. In introducing me, she persisted in saying
that I was her preserver, and complimented my gallantry as much as
if I had killed Freny, instead of coming up when the robbery was
over. The Captain said he knew the Redmonds of Waterford intimately
well: which assertion alarmed me, as I knew nothing of the family to
which I was stated to belong. But I posed him, by asking WHICH of
the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his name in our family.
He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. 'Oh,' says I, 'mine
are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;' and so I put him off the scent.
I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with the
Captain's horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer.

Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a
cracked dish before him, the Captain said, 'My love, I wish I had
known of your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most
delicious venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent
us, with a flask of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine,
my dear? But as bygones are bygones, and no help for them, what say
ye to a fine lobster and a bottle of as good claret as any in
Ireland? Betty, clear these things from the table, and make the
mistress and our young friend welcome to our home.'

Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a
tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady,
handing out one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get
the change for that, and procure the supper; which she did
presently, bringing back only a very few shillings out of the guinea
to her mistress, saying that the fishmonger had kept the remainder
for an old account. 'And the more great big blundering fool you, for
giving the gold piece to him,' roared Mr. Fitzsimons. I forget how
many hundred guineas he said he had paid the fellow during the year.

Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a
plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of
the city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on
terms of the utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke
of my own estates and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told
all the stories of the nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and
some that, perhaps, I had invented; and ought to have been aware
that my host was an impostor himself, as he did not find out my own
blunders and misstatements. But youth is ever too confident. It was
some time before I knew that I had made no very desirable
acquaintance in Captain Fitzsimons and his lady; and, indeed, went
to bed congratulating myself upon my wonderful good luck in having,
at the outset of my adventures, fallen in with so distinguished a
couple.

The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me
to imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal,
was not as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been
an English lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been
aroused instantly. But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so
particular in Ireland on the score of neatness as people are in this
precise country; hence the disorder of my bedchamber did not strike
me so much. For were not all the windows broken and stuffed with
rags even at Castle Brady, my uncle's superb mansion? Was there ever
a lock to the doors there, or if a lock, a handle to the lock or a
hasp to fasten it to? So, though my bedroom boasted of these
inconveniences, and a few more; though my counterpane was evidently
a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons's, and my cracked toilet-
glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was used to this sort
of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in that of a man
of fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when they DID
open, were full of my hostess's rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and rags;
so I allowed my wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my
silver dressing-apparatus upon the ragged cloth on the drawers,
where it shone to great advantage.

When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare,
which he informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot
shaving-water, in a loud dignified tone.

'Hot shaving-water!' says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess
not without reason). 'Is it yourself you're going to shave?' said
he. 'And maybe when I bring you up the water I'll bring you up the
cat too, and you can shave her.' I flung a boot at the scoundrel's
head in reply to this impertinence, and was soon with my friends in
the parlour for breakfast. There was a hearty welcome, and the same
cloth that had been used the night before: as I recognised by the
black mark of the Irish-stew dish, and the stain left by a pot of
porter at supper.

My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was
an elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may
say of myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than
I. I had not the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have
since attained (to be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk-
stones in my fingers; but 'tis the way of mortality), but I had
arrived at near my present growth of six feet, and with my hair in
buckle, a handsome lace jabot and wristbands to my shirt, and a red
plush waistcoat, barred with gold, looked the gentleman I was born.
I wore my drab coat with plate buttons, that was grown too small for
me, and quite agreed with Captain Fitzsimons that I must pay a visit
to his tailor, in order to procure myself a coat more fitting my
size.

'I needn't ask whether you had a comfortable bed,' said he. 'Young
Fred Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton's second son) slept in it for seven
months, during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE
was satisfied, I don't know who else wouldn't be.'

After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons
introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his
particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also
presented me at his hatter's and tailor's as a gentleman of great
expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that
I should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted
me to a nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did
not care to refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a
renewal of raiment, told the tailor to send him home a handsome
military frock, which he selected.

Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to
the Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young
gentry were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her
preserver of the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary
account of me, that before half-an-hour I had got to be considered
as a young gentleman of the highest family in the land, related to
all the principal nobility, a cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir
to L10,000 a year. Fitzsimons said he had ridden over every inch of
my estate; and 'faith, as he chose to tell these stories for me, I
let him have his way--indeed, was not a little pleased (as youth is)
to be made much of, and to pass for a great personage. I had little
notion then that I had got among a set of impostors--that Captain
Fitzsimons was only an adventurer, and his lady a person of no
credit; but such are the dangers to which youth is perpetually
subject, and hence let young men take warning by me.

I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the
incidents were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky
self, and of which my companions were certainly not of a kind
befitting my quality. The fact was, a young man could hardly have
fallen into worse hands than those in which I now found myself. I
have been to Donegal since, and have never seen the famous Castle of
Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, likewise, unknown to the oldest
inhabitants of that county; nor are the Granby Somersets much better
known in Worcestershire. The couple into whose hands I had fallen
were of a sort much more common then than at present, for the vast
wars of later days have rendered it very difficult for noblemen's
footmen or hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, in fact, had
been the original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had I known his
origin, of course I would have died rather than have associated with
him: but in those simple days of youth I took his tales for truth,
and fancied myself in high luck at being, at my outset into life,
introduced into such a family. Alas! we are the sport of destiny.
When I consider upon what small circumstances all the great events
of my life have turned, I can hardly believe myself to have been
anything but a puppet in the hands of Fate; which has played its
most fantastic tricks upon me.

The Captain had been a gentleman's gentleman, and his lady of no
higher rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort
of ordinary which they held, and at which their friends were always
welcome on payment of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After
dinner, you may be sure that cards were not wanting, and that the
company who played did not play for love merely. To these parties
persons of all sorts would come: young bloods from the regiments
garrisoned in Dublin: young clerks from the Castle; horse-riding,
wine-tippling, watchman-beating men of fashion about town, such as
existed in Dublin in that day more than in any other city with which
I am acquainted in Europe. I never knew young fellows make such a
show, and upon such small means. I never knew young gentlemen with
what I may call such a genius for idleness; and whereas an
Englishman with fifty guineas a year is not able to do much more
than starve, and toil like a slave in a profession, a young Irish
buck with the same sum will keep his horses, and drink his bottle,
and live as lazy as a lord. Here was a doctor who never had a
patient, cheek by jowl with an attorney who never had a client:
neither had a guinea--each had a good horse to ride in the Park, and
the best of clothes to his back. A sporting clergyman without a
living; several young wine-merchants, who consumed much more liquor
than they had or sold; and men of similar character, formed the
society at the house into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. What
could happen to a man but misfortune from associating with such
company?--(I have not mentioned the ladies of the society, who were,
perhaps, no better than the males)--and in a very very short time I
became their prey.

As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror,
that they had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having
already made such cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it
is true, a couple of pieces; but seeing that every one round about
me played upon honour and gave their bills, I, of course, preferred
that medium to the payment of ready money, and when I lost paid on
account.

With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means;
and in so far Mr. Fitzsimons's representation did me good, for the
tradesmen took him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since
learned that the rascal pigeoned several other young men of
property), and for a little time supplied me with any goods I might
be pleased to order. At length, my cash running low, I was compelled
to pawn some of the suits with which the tailor had provided me; for
I did not like to part with my mare, on which I daily rode in the
Park, and which I loved as the gift of my respected uncle. I raised
some little money, too, on a few trinkets which I had purchased of a
jeweller who pressed his credit upon me; and thus was enabled to
keep up appearances for yet a little time.

I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond,
but none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather
relieved when the answer of 'No' was given to me; for I was not very
anxious that my mother should know my proceedings in the extravagant
life which I was leading at Dublin. It could not last very long,
however; for when my cash was quite exhausted, and I paid a second
visit to the tailor, requesting him to make me more clothes, the
fellow hummed and ha'd, and had the impudence to ask payment for
those already supplied: on which, telling him I should withdraw my
custom from him, I abruptly left him. The goldsmith too (a rascal
Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain to which I had a fancy;
and I felt now, for the first time, in some perplexity. To add to
it, one of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. Fitzsimons's
boarding-house had received from me, in the way of play, an IOU for
eighteen pounds (which I lost to him at piquet), and which, owing
Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable keeper, a bill, he passed into that
person's hands. Fancy my rage and astonishment, then, on going for
my mare, to find that he positively refused to let me have her out
of the stable, except under payment of my promissory note! It was in
vain that I offered him his choice of four notes that I had in my
pocket--one of Fitzsimons's for L20, one of Counsellor Mulligan's,
and so forth; the dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, shook his head,
and laughed at every one of them; and said, 'I tell you what, Master
Redmond, you appear a young fellow of birth and fortune, and let me
whisper in your ear that you have fallen into very bad hands--it's a
regular gang of swindlers; and a gentleman of your rank and quality
should never be seen in such company. Go home: pack up your valise,
pay the little trifle to me, mount your mare, and ride back again to
your parents,--it's the very best thing you can do.'

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