Barry Lyndon

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To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with
a number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in
those days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her
waiting-women, did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to
describe as her future husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry,
Esquire. This incident disturbed her very much. She wrote about it
in terms of great wonder and terror to her female correspondents.
'Can this monster,' she wrote, 'indeed do as he boasts, and bend
even Fate to his will?--can he make me marry him though I cordially
detest him, and bring me a slave to his feet. The horrid look of his
black serpent-like eyes fascinates and frightens me: it seems to
follow me everywhere, and even when I close my own eyes, the
dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.'

When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who
does not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and
put myself in an attitude opposite her, 'and fascinate her with my
glance,' as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her
former admirer, was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and
seemed determined to give up all claims to her favour; for he denied
her admittance when she called, sent no answer to her multiplied
correspondence, and contented himself by saying generally, that the
surgeon had forbidden him to receive visitors or to answer letters.
Thus, while he went into the background, I came forward, and took
good care that no other rivals should present themselves with any
chance of success; for, as soon as I heard of one, I had a quarrel
fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked two more, besides my first
victim Lord George. I always took another pretext for quarrelling
with them than the real one of attention to Lady Lyndon, so that no
scandal or hurt to her Ladyship's feelings might arise in
consequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of these
duels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two
together, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watch
for the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued first
before they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the first
three, not many champions were found to address the lady; and have
often laughed (in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beaux
riding by the side of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay-
mare and green liveries made their appearance.

I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my
power, and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon
my honest cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his
affections, Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and
friend, Lady Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the young
lady's brothers, who passed the season at Dublin, and made as much
swagger and to-do about their sister's L10,000 Irish, as if she had
had a plum to her fortune. The girl was by no means averse to Mr.
Brady; and it only shows how faint-spirited some men are, and how a
superior genius can instantly overcome difficulties which to common
minds seem insuperable, that he never had thought of running off
with her: as I at once and boldly did. Miss Kiljoy had been a ward
in Chancery until she attained her majority (before which period it
would have been a dangerous matter for me to put in execution the
scheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now free to marry
whom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, and as
much under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had not
been independent of them. They had some friend of their own in view
for the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal of
Ulick Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as these
rustic bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthy
heiress as their sister.

Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of
Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at
Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son
the little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come
to the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy,
the heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to
take the first opportunity of putting my plan in execution.

For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a
former chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at
this period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the
name of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head,
killed proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took
the law into their own hands. One of these bands, or several of them
for what I know, was commanded by a mysterious personage called
Captain Thunder; whose business seemed to be that of marrying people
with or without their own consent, or that of their parents. The
Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries of that period (the year 1772) teem
with proclamations from the Lord Lieutenant, offering rewards for
the apprehension of this dreadful Captain Thunder and his gang, and
describing at length various exploits of the savage aide-de-camp of
Hymen. I determined to make use, if not of the services, at any rate
of the name of Captain Thunder, and put my cousin Ulick in
possession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She was no great
beauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather than the
owner of it.

On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent
the balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in
the custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause
for retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which she
might be invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple of
handsome suits of velvet, and by my influence procured him an
invitation to many of the most elegant of these assemblies. But he
had not had my advantages or experience of the manners of Court; was
as shy with ladies as a young colt, and could no more dance a minuet
than a donkey. He made very little way in the polite world or in his
mistress's heart: in fact, I could see that she preferred several
other young gentlemen to him, who were more at home in the ball-room
than poor Ulick; he had made his first impression upon the heiress,
and felt his first flame for her, in her father's house of
Ballykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk with the old
gentleman.

'I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,' Ulick would say, heaving
a sigh; 'and if it's drinking or riding across country would do it,
there's no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.'

'Never fear, Ulick,' was my reply; 'you shall have your Amalia, or
my name is not Redmond Barry.'

My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplished
noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a
gentleman who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of
knowing him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino,
some few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this
entertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happy
for life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the little
Lord Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it was
agreed that he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, my
old friend the Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage in
which the party were to be conveyed to the ball, and took my
measures accordingly.

Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not
sufficient to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place,
and I had it given out three days previous that he had been arrested
for debt: a rumour which surprised nobody who knew him.

I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar,
that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia's guard. I had a
grotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked a
jumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatly
predominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent,
and whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previous
history. Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with little
Bullingdon as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was in
powder, his doublet rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and he
looked very handsome and saucy as he strutted about with my sword by
his side. As for Mr. Runt, he walked about very demurely in a
domino, and perpetually paid his respects to the buffet, and ate
enough cold chicken and drank enough punch and champagne to satisfy
a company of grenadiers.

The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent.
Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who
walked a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish
heiress may be called by such a name); and I took occasion to plead
my passion for Lady Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to beg
her friend's interference in my favour.

It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House
went away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of
Lady Charlemont's china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in
talk, and unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be
alarmed to see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common
sight in those jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought a
milksop unless he was occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her
carriage, with several other gentlemen: and, peering through the
crowd of ragged linkboys, drivers, beggars, drunken men and women,
who used invariably to wait round great men's doors when festivities
were going on, saw the carriage drive off, with a hurrah from the
mob; then came back presently to the supper-room, where I talked
German, favoured the three or four topers still there with a High-
Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine with great
resolution.

'How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?' said one gentleman.

'Go an be hangt!' said I, in the true accent, applying myself again
to the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper
in silence.

There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off,
with whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I
called upon him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader
will be surprised at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it
was not I who went back to the party, but my late German valet, who
was of my size, and, dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass for
me. We changed clothes in a hackney-coach that stood near Lady
Lyndon's chariot, and driving after it, speedily overtook it.

The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady's
affections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep
rut in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman,
springing off the back, cried 'Stop!' to the coachman, warning him
that a wheel was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed with
only three. Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as they
have since been by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how the
linch-pin of the wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but it
possibly may have been extracted by some rogues among the crowd
before Lord Charlemont's gate.

Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies
do; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and
little Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said,
'Don't be afraid, Miss Amelia: if it's footpads, I am armed.' The
young rascal had the spirit of a lion, that's the truth; as I must
acknowledge, in spite of all my after quarrels with him.

The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon's chariot by
this time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped
down from his box, and politely requested her Ladyship's honour to
enter his vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person of
tiptop quality might desire. This invitation was, after a minute or
two, accepted by the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman
promising to drive them to Dublin 'in a hurry.' Thady, the valet,
proposed to accompany his young master and the young lady; and the
coachman, who had a friend seemingly drunk by his side on the box,
with a grin told Thady to get up behind. However, as the footboard
there was covered with spikes, as a defence against the street-boys,
who love a ride gratis, Thady's fidelity would not induce him to
brave these; and he was persuaded to remain by the wounded chariot,
for which he and the coachman manufactured a linch-pin out of a
neighbouring hedge.

Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the
party within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin;
and what was Miss Kiljoy's astonishment, on looking out of the
window at length, to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs of
buildings or city. She began forthwith to scream out to the coachman
to stop; but the man only whipped the horses the faster for her
noise, and bade her Ladyship 'hould on--'twas a short cut he was
taking.'

Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses
galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to
whom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon
opening the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and
heels as he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little
sword, and, running towards the carriage, exclaimed, 'This way,
gentlemen! stop the rascal!'

'Stop!' cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with
extraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the
carriage, having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that was
going on.

The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a
consultation, in which they looked at the young lord and laughed
considerably.

'Do not be alarmed,' said the leader, coming up to the door; 'one of
my people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous
rascal, and, with your Ladyship's leave, I and my companions will
get in and see you home. We are well armed, and can defend you in
case of danger.'

With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his
companion following him.

'Know your place, fellow!' cried out little Bullingdon indignantly:
'and give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!' and put himself
before the huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the
hackney-coach.

'Get out of that, my Lord,' said the man, in a broad brogue, and
shoving him aside. On which the boy, crying 'Thieves! thieves!' drew
out his little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded
him (for a small sword will wound as well as a great one); but his
opponent, who was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily
out of the lad's hands: it went flying over his head, and left him
aghast and mortified at his discomfiture.

He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and
entered the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his
confederate, who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have
screamed; but I presume her shrieks were stopped by the sight of an
enormous horse-pistol which one of her champions produced, who said,
'No harm is intended you, ma'am, but if you cry out, we must gag
you;' on which she suddenly became as mute as a fish.

All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time;
and when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage,
the poor little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on
the heath, one of them putting his head out of the window, said,--

'My Lord, a word with you.'

'What is it?' said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven
years old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto.

'You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a
big stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you
get to the high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And
when you see her Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER'S
compliments, and say Miss Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.'

'O heavens!' sighed out that young lady.

The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left
alone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was
fairly frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the
coach; but his courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat
down upon a stone and cried for vexation.

It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine
marriage. When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where
the ceremony was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first
declined to perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of that
unfortunate preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, that
his miserable brains would be blown out; when he consented to read
the service. The lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similar
inducement held out to her, but of that I know nothing; for I drove
back to town with the coachman as soon as we had set the bridal
party down, and had the satisfaction of finding Fritz, my German,
arrived before me: he had come back in my carriage in my dress,
having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done everything there
according to my orders.

Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping
silence as to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with
a dismal story of having been drunk, of having been waylaid and
bound, of having been left on the road and picked up by a Wicklow
cart, which was coming in with provisions to Dublin, and found him
helpless on the road. There was no possible means of fixing any
share of the conspiracy upon him. Little Bullingdon, who, too, found
his way home, was unable in any way to identify me. But Lady Lyndon
knew that I was concerned in the plot, for I met her hurrying the
next day to the Castle; all the town being up about the enlevement.
And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, that I knew she was
aware that I had been concerned in the daring and ingenious scheme.

Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady's kindness to me in early
days; and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a
deserving branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where
he lived with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was
blown over; the Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his
retreat. They did not for a while even know who was the lucky man
who had carried off the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter
some weeks afterwards, signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect
happiness in her new condition, and stating that she had been
married by Lady Lyndon's chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth was
known, and my worthy friend confessed his share of the transaction.
As his good-natured mistress did not dismiss him from his post in
consequence, everybody persisted in supposing that poor Lady Lyndon
was privy to the plot; and the story of her Ladyship's passionate
attachment for me gained more and more credit.

I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours.
Every one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one
could prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowed
Countess; though no one could show that I said so. But there is a
way of proving a thing even while you contradict it, and I used to
laugh and joke so apropos that all men began to wish me joy of my
great fortune, and look up to me as the affianced husband of the
greatest heiress in the kingdom. The papers took up the matter; the
female friends of Lady Lyndon remonstrated with her and cried 'Fie!'
Even the English journals and magazines, which in those days were
very scandalous, talked of the matter; and whispered that a
beautiful and accomplished widow, with a title and the largest
possessions in the two kingdoms, was about to bestow her hand upon a
young gentleman of high birth and fashion, who had distinguished
himself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of Pr----. I won't
say who was the author of these paragraphs; or how two pictures, one
representing myself under the title of 'The Prussian Irishman,' and
the other Lady Lyndon as 'The Countess of Ephesus,' actually
appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, and
containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day.

Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold
upon her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did;
and who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your
humble servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the
Dublin Mercury, which announced her Ladyship's departure, announced
mine THE DAY BEFORE. There was not a soul but thought she had
followed me to England; whereas she was only flying me. Vain hope!--
a man of my resolution was not thus to be balked in pursuit. Had she
fled to the antipodes, I would have been there: ay, and would have
followed her as far as Orpheus did Eurydice!

Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid
than that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would
come thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took
handsome apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same
intelligence in her London house which I had procured in Dublin. The
same faithful porter was there to give me all the information I
required. I promised to treble his wages as soon as a certain event
should happen. I won over Lady Lyndon's companion by a present of a
hundred guineas down, and a promise of two thousand when I should be
married, and gained the favours of her favourite lady's-maid by a
bribe of similar magnitude. My reputation had so far preceded me in
London that, on my arrival, numbers of the genteel were eager to
receive me at their routs. We have no idea in this humdrum age what
a gay and splendid place London was then: what a passion for play
there was among young and old, male and female; what thousands were
lost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how brilliant,
gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the Royal Dukes
of Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles followed
close behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a pleasant
time; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and could
live in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of 'White's,'
'Wattier's,' and 'Goosetree's' could tell stories of the gallantry,
spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry.

The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not
concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and
the young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my
intention to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or
to narrate all the difficulties I had to contend with, and my
triumphant manner of surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID
overcome these difficulties. I am of opinion, with my friend the
late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such impediments are nothing in the
way of a man of spirit; and that he can convert indifference and
aversion into love, if he have perseverance and cleverness
sufficient. By the time the Countess's widowhood was expired, I had
found means to be received into her house; I had her women
perpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating
upon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in the
fashionable world.

Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit
were the Countess's noble relatives; who were far from knowing the
service that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my
heartfelt thanks for the abuse with which they then loaded me! and
to whom I fling my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred with
which they have subsequently pursued me.

The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff,
mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at
Dublin. This old harridan, on the Countess's first arrival in
London, waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abuse
for her encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my cause
more than six months' courtship could have done, or the pinking of a
half-dozen of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleaded
her entire innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. 'Never
encouraged him!' screamed out the old fury; 'didn't you encourage
the wretch at Spa, during Sir Charles's own life? Didn't you marry a
dependant of yours to one of this profligate's bankrupt cousins?
When he set off for England, didn't you follow him like a mad woman
the very next day? Didn't he take lodgings at your very door almost--
and do you call this no encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You
might have married my son--my dear and noble George; but that he did
not choose to interfere with your shameful passion for the beggarly
upstart whom you caused to assassinate him; and the only counsel I
have to give your Ladyship is this, to legitimatise the ties which
you have contracted with this shameless adventurer; to make that
connection legal which, real as it is now, is against both decency
and religion; and to spare your family and your son the shame of
your present line of life.'

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