Barry Lyndon

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It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the
presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I
should keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the
champagne and punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight
and a great natural aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear
uncle much assistance against his opponents at the green table. Some
prudish persons may affect indignation at the frankness of these
confessions, but Heaven pity them! Do you suppose that any man who
has lost or won a hundred thousand pounds at play will not take the
advantages which his neighbour enjoys? They are all the same. But it
is only the clumsy fool who CHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar
expedients of cogged dice and cut cards. Such a man is sure to go
wrong some time or other, and is not fit to play in the society of
gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who see such a vulgar
person at his pranks is, of course, to back him while he plays, but
never--never to have anything to do with him. Play grandly,
honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but above all,
be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with all
one's skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have
seen a sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew,
blunder you out of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards.
I have seen a gentleman and his confederate play against another and
HIS confederate. One never is secure in these cases: and when one
considers the time and labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the
outlay of money required, the multiplicity of bad debts that one
meets with (for dishonourable rascals are to be found at the play-
table, as everywhere else in the world), I say, for my part, the
profession is a bad one; and, indeed, have scarcely ever met a man
who, in the end, profited by it. I am writing now with the
experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of I was a
lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly too
much, my uncle's superior age and station in life.

There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made
between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I
take it, and the public have little interest in the matter. But
simplicity was our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for
instance, I wiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to
show that the enemy was strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had
ace, king; if I said, 'Punch or wine, my Lord?' hearts was meant; if
'Wine or punch?' clubs. If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that
there was another confederate employed by the adversary; and THEN, I
warrant you, some pretty trials of skill would take place. My Lord
Deuceace, although so young, had a very great skill and cleverness
with the cards in every way; and it was only from hearing Frank
Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when the Chevalier had
the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, as it were.

My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de
Potzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at
the Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These
reports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle
beforehand. I was instructed (and it is always far the best way) to
tell as much truth as my story would possibly bear. When, for
instance, he would ask me, 'What does the Chevalier do of a
morning?'

'He goes to church regularly' (he was very religious), 'and after
hearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his
chariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes
his letters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little
to do in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom
he corresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written
in English, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes
for money. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the
Treasury, in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come
from; but, in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes
his party with Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian
attaches, two from the English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and
Punter, who play a jeu d'enfer, and a few more. The same set meet
every night at supper: there are seldom any ladies; those who come
are chiefly French ladies, members of the corps de ballet. He wins
often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is a very fine player. The
Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimes comes, on which
occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur de Balibari dines at
the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand days of reception.
Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He has won lately;
but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for four hundred
ducats.'

'Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own
language?'

'Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the
new danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new
danseuse.'

It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and
accurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was
carried to the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher
of Sans Souci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital
but his actions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the
Great.

As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different
embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he
encouraged play at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in
difficulties can be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of
Frederics would often get him a secret worth many thousands. He got
some papers from the French house in this way: and I have no doubt
that my Lord Deuceace would have supplied him with information at a
similar rate, had his chief not known the young nobleman's character
pretty well, and had (as is usually the case) the work of the
mission performed by a steady roturier, while the young brilliant
bloods of the suite sported their embroidery at the balls, or shook
their Mechlin ruffles over the green tables at faro. I have seen
many scores of these young sprigs since, of these and their
principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What dullards, what
fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one of the lies
of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that were the
profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-men would
have us believe, they would invariably choose for it little pink-
faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma's title, and
able at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot?

When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that
there was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the
sport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was
not averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or
twice cleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I
told him that I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his
comrades would not fail to talk, and who would thus know of the
intrigue even without my information.

'Tell him,' said my uncle.

'They will send you away,' said I; 'then what is to become of me?'

'Make your mind easy,' said the latter, with a smile; 'you shall not
be left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks,
make your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The
dear souls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the
country; and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!'

'But how, sir?' said I.

'Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,' said he knowingly. ''Tis you
yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-
box yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie;
put your hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these
moustaches, and now look in the glass!'

'The Chevalier de Balibari,' said I, bursting with laughter, and
began walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee.

The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de
Potzdorff, I told him of the young Prussian officers that had been
of late gambling; and he replied, as I expected, that the King had
determined to send the Chevalier out of the country.

'He is a stingy curmudgeon,' I replied; 'I have had but three
Frederics from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your
promise to advance me!'

'Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked
up,' said the Captain, sneering.

'It is not my fault that there has been no more,' I replied. 'When
is he to go, sir?'

'The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and
before dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of
gendarmes will mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders
to move on.'

'And his baggage, sir?' said I.

'Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that
red box which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after
parade, shall be at the inn. You will not say a word to any one
there regarding the affair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier's
rooms until my arrival. We must force that box. You are a clumsy
hound, or you would have got the key long ago!'

I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him.
The next night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat;
and I think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of
the honours of a separate chapter.

CHAPTER IX

I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE

Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to
win a handsome sum with his faro-bank.

At ten o'clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de
Balibari drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the
Chevalier, who was at his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came
down the stairs in his usual stately manner.

'Where is my rascal Ambrose?' said he, looking around and not
finding his servant to open the door.

'I will let down the steps for your honour,' said a gendarme, who
was standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier
entered, than the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the
box by the coachman, and the latter began to drive.

'Good gracious!' said the Chevalier, 'what is this?'

'You are going to drive to the frontier,' said the gendarme,
touching his hat.

'It is shameful--infamous! I insist upon being put down at the
Austrian Ambassador's house!'

'I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,' said the
gendarme.

'All Europe shall hear of this!' said the Chevalier, in a fury.

'As you please,' answered the officer, and then both relapsed into
silence.

The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which
place the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards
there, and the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de
Donnersmark. As the Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised
his hat and said, 'Qu'il ne descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon
voyage.' The Chevalier de Balibari acknowledged this courtesy by a
profound bow.

They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon
began to roar.

'It is a deserter,' said the officer.

'Is it possible?' said the Chevalier, and sank back into his
carriage again.

Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the
road with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the
truant. The gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for
him too. The price of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who
brought him in.

'Confess, sir,' said the Chevalier to the police officer in the
carriage with him, 'that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can
get nothing, and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may
bring you in fifty crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on?
You may land me at the frontier and get back to your hunt all the
sooner.' The officer told the postillion to get on; but the way
seemed intolerably long to the Chevalier. Once or twice he thought
he heard the noise of horse galloping behind: his own horses did not
seem to go two miles an hour; but they DID go. The black and white
barriers came in view at last, hard by Bruck, and opposite them the
green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon custom-house officers came
out.

'I have no luggage,' said the Chevalier.

'The gentleman has nothing contraband,' said the Prussian officers,
grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect.

The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece.

'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I wish you a good day. Will you please to go
to the house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there
to send on my baggage to the "Three Kings" at Dresden?'

Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for
that capital. I need not tell you that _I_ was the Chevalier.

'From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire,
Gentilhomme Anglais, a l'Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe.

'Nephew Redmond,--This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than
Mr. Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin
will be directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as
yet; they only know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all
are in admiration of your cleverness and valour.

'I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in
no small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a
fancy to send me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been
guilty. But in that case I had taken my precautions: I had written a
statement of the case to my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the
full and true story how you had been set to spy upon me, how you
turned out to be my very near relative, how you had been kidnapped
yourself into the service, and how we both had determined to effect
your escape. The laugh would have been so much against the King,
that he never would have dared to lay a finger upon me. What would
Monsieur de Voltaire have said to such an act of tyranny? But it
was a lucky day, and everything has turned out to my wish. As I lay
in my bed two and a half hours after your departure, in comes your
ex-Captain Potzdorff. "Redmont!" says he, in his imperious High-
Dutch way, "are you there?" No answer. "The rogue is gone out," said
he; and straightway makes for my red box where I keep my love-
letters, my glass eye which I used to wear, my favourite lucky dice
with which I threw the thirteen mains at Prague; my two sets of
Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you know of.

'He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the
little English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a
chisel and hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar,
actually bursting open my little box!

'Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense
water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the
box, and with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as
smashes the water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort
lifeless to the ground. I thought I had killed him.

'Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and
scream, "Thieves!--thieves!--landlord!--murder!--fire!" until the
whole household come tumbling up the stairs. "Where is my servant?"
roar I. "Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I
find in the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send
for his Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of
this insult!"

'"Dear Heaven!" says the landlord, "we saw you go away three hours
ago!"

'"ME!" says I; "why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am
ill--I have taken physic--I have not left the house this morning!
Where is that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and
wig?" for I was standing before them in my chamber-gown and
stockings, with my nightcap on.

'"I have it--I have it!" says a little chambermaid: "Ambrose is off
in your honour's dress."

'"And my money--my money!" says I; "where is my purse with forty-
eight Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left.
Officers, seize him!"

'"It's the young Herr von Potzdorff!" says the landlord, more and
more astonished.

'"What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and chisel--
impossible!"

'Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a
swelling on his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried
him off, and the judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of
the matter, and I demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to
my ambassador.

'I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a
general, and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set
upon me to bully, perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was
true you had told me that you had been kidnapped into the service,
that I thought you were released from it, and that I had you with
the best recommendations. I appealed to my Minister, who was bound
to come to my aid; and, to make a long story short, poor Potzdorff
is now on his way to Spandau; and his uncle, the elder Potzdorff,
has brought me five hundred louis, with a humble request that I
would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this painful matter.

'I shall be with you at the "Three Crowns" the day after you receive
this. Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money--you are my
son. Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle,

'THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.'

And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and
I kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of
any recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman.

With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued
presently, we were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle
speedily joined me at the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of
illness, I had kept quiet until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier
de Balibari was in particular good odour at the Court of Dresden
(having been an intimate acquaintance of the late monarch, the
Elector, King of Poland, the most dissolute and agreeable of
European princes), I was speedily in the very best society of the
Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person and manners, and
the singularity of the adventures in which I had been a hero, made
me especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility to
which the two gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the
honour of kissing hands and being graciously received at Court by
the Elector, and I wrote home to my mother such a flaming
description of my prosperity, that the good soul very nearly forgot
her celestial welfare and her confessor, the Reverend Joshua Jowls,
in order to come after me to Germany; but travelling was very
difficult in those days, and so we were spared the arrival of the
good lady.

I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so
genteel in his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position
which I now occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the
men in a fury; hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing
minuets with high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call
themselves in Germany), with lovely excellencies, nay, with
highnesses and transparencies themselves: who could compete with the
gallant young Irish noble? who would suppose that seven weeks before
I had been a common--bah! I am ashamed to think of it! One of the
pleasantest moments of my life was at a grand gala at the Electoral
Palace, where I had the honour of walking a polonaise with no other
than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz's own sister: old
Fritz's, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, whose belts I
had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer and
sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years.

Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my
uncle had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than
ever, surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with
an Irish crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this
crown in lieu of a coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring
worn on my forefinger; and I don't mind confessing that I used to
say the jewel had been in my family for several thousand years,
having originally belonged to my direct ancestor, his late Majesty
King Brian Boru, or Barry. I warrant the legends of the Heralds'
College are not more authentic than mine was.

At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to
be rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our
pretensions to rank. The Minister was a lord's son, it is true, but
he was likewise a grocer's grandson; and so I told him at Count
Lobkowitz's masquerade. My uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was,
knew the pedigree of every considerable family in Europe. He said it
was the only knowledge befitting a gentleman; and when we were not
at cards, we would pass hours over Gwillim or D'Hozier, reading the
genealogies, learning the blazons, and making ourselves acquainted
with the relationships of our class. Alas! the noble science is
going into disrepute now: so are cards, without which studies and
pastimes I can hardly conceive how a man of honour can exist.

My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the
score of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English
embassy; my uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister,
who declined to come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the
tears of joy of my uncle, who accompanied me to the ground; and I
promise you that none of the young gentlemen questioned the
authenticity of my pedigree, or laughed at my Irish crown again.

What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a
gentleman, from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as
business it certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I
assure any low-bred persons who may chance to read this, that we,
their betters, have to work as well as they: though I did not rise
until noon, yet had I not been up at play until long past midnight?
Many a time have we come home to bed as the troops were marching out
to early parade; and oh! it did my heart good to hear the bugles
blowing the reveille before daybreak, or to see the regiments
marching out to exercise, and think that I was no longer bound to
that disgusting discipline, but restored to my natural station.

I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all
my life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to
dress my hair of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by
intuition almost, and could distinguish between the right Spanish
and the French before I had been a week in my new position; I had
rings on all my fingers, watches in both my fobs, canes, trinkets,
and snuffboxes of all sorts, and each outvying the other in
elegance. I had the finest natural taste for lace and china of any
man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well as any Jew dealer in
Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I was unrivalled; I
could not spell, but I could speak German and French cleverly. I had
at the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly embroidered with
gold, two laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet pelisse lined
with sable; one of French grey, silver-laced, and lined with
chinchilla. I had damask morning robes. I took lessons on the
guitar, and sang French catches exquisitely. Where, in fact, was
there a more accomplished gentleman than Redmond de Balibari?

All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be
purchased without credit and money: to procure which, as our
patrimony had been wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the
vulgarity and slow returns and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle
kept a faro-bank. We were in partnership with a Florentine, well
known in all the Courts of Europe, the Count Alessandro Pippi, as
skilful a player as ever was seen; but he turned out a sad knave
latterly, and I have discovered that his countship was a mere
imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; Pippi, like all
impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with the sword,
and readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of the firm,
so to speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have
hesitated to pay his losings. We always played on parole with
anybody: any person, that is, of honour and noble lineage. We never
pressed for our winnings or declined to receive promissory notes in
lieu of gold. But woe to the man who did not pay when the note
became due! Redmond de Balibari was sure to wait upon him with his
bill, and I promise you there were very few bad debts: on the
contrary, gentlemen were grateful to us for our forbearance, and our
character for honour stood unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar
national prejudice has chosen to cast a slur upon the character of
men of honour engaged in the profession of play; but I speak of the
good old days in Europe, before the cowardice of the French
aristocracy (in the shameful Revolution, which served them right)
brought discredit and ruin upon our order. They cry fie now upon men
engaged in play; but I should like to know how much more honourable
THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The broker of the Exchange
who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and dabbles with lying
loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a gamester? The
merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His bales
of dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead
of every ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the
profession of the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for
any bidder; lie down poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie
down right because wrong is in his brief. You call a doctor an
honourable man, a swindling quack, who does not believe in the
nostrums which he prescribes, and takes your guinea for whispering
in your ear that it is a fine morning; and yet, forsooth, a gallant
man who sits him down before the baize and challenges all comers,
his money against theirs, his fortune against theirs, is proscribed
by your modern moral world. It is a conspiracy of the middle classes
against gentlemen: it is only the shopkeeper cant which is to go
down nowadays. I say that play was an institution of chivalry: it
has been wrecked, along with other privileges of men of birth. When
Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours without leaving the
table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we had the best
blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round the
table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against
some terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his
millions against our all which was there on the baize! when we
engaged that daring Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis
in a single coup, had we lost, we should have been beggars the next
day; when HE lost, he was only a village and a few hundred serfs in
pawn the worse. When, at Toeplitz, the Duke of Courland brought
fourteen lacqueys, each with four bags of florins, and challenged
our bank to play against the sealed bags, what did we ask? 'Sir,'
said we, 'we have but eighty thousand florins in bank, or two
hundred thousand at three months. If your Highness's bags do not
contain more than eighty thousand, we will meet you.' And we did,
and after eleven hours' play, in which our bank was at one time
reduced to two hundred and three ducats, we won seventeen thousand
florins of him. Is THIS not something like boldness? does THIS
profession not require skill, and perseverance, and bravery? Four
crowned heads looked on at the game, and an Imperial princess, when
I turned up the ace of hearts and made Paroli, burst into tears. No
man on the European Continent held a higher position than Redmond
Barry then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he was pleased to
say that we had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly what we
won.

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