The Clockmaker

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> The Clockmaker

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"With that, I whistled for Old Clay, and back he comes, and I mounted
and off, jist as the crowd came up. The folks looked staggered, and
wondered a little grain how it was done so cleverly in short metre.
If I didn't quilt him in no time, you may depend; I went right slap
into him, like a flash of lightning into a gooseberry bush. He found
his suit ready made and fitted afore he thought he was half measured.
Thinks I, friend Bradley, I hope you know yourself now, for I vow
no livin' soul would; your swallowed your soup without singin' out
scaldin's, and your near about a pint and a half nearer cryin' than
larfin'.

"Yes, as I was sayin', this Old Clay is a real knowin' one; he's as
spry as a colt yet, clear grit, ginger to the backbone; I can't help
a-thinkin' sometimes the breed must have come from old Kentuck, half
horse, half alligator, with a cross of the airth-quake.

"I hope I may be teetotally ruinated, if I'd take eight hundred
dollars for him. Go ahead, you old clinker built villain," said he,
"and show the gentleman how wonderful handSUM you can travel. Give
him the real Connecticut quick step. That's it! that's the way to
carry the President's message to Congress, from Washington to New
York, in no time! that's the go to carry a gal from Boston to Rhode
Island, and trice her up to a Justice to be married, afore her
father's out of bed of a summer's mornin'. Ain't he a beauty? a real
doll? none of your Cumberland critters, that the more you quilt them,
the more they won't go; but a proper one, that will go free gratis
for nothin', all out of his own head voluntERRILY. Yes, a horse like
Old Clay, is worth the whole seed, breed and generation, of them
Amherst beasts put together. He's a horse, every inch of him, stock,
lock, and barrel, is Old Clay."

No. XX

Sister Sall's Courtship.

"There goes one of them 'ere everlastin' rottin' poles in that
bridge; they are no better than a trap for a critter's leg," said the
Clockmaker. "They remind me of a trap Jim Munroe put his foot in one
night, that near about made one leg half a yard longer than t'other.
I believe I told you of him, what a desperate idle feller he was; he
came from Onion County in Connecticut. Well, he was courtin' Sister
Sall. She was a real handsum lookin' gal; you scarce ever seed a more
out and out complete critter than she was--a fine figur' head, and a
beautiful model of a craft as any in the state, a real clipper, and
as full of fun and frolic as a kitten. Well he fairly turned Sall's
head; the more we wanted her to give him up the more she wouldn't,
and we got plaguy oneasy about it, for his character was none of the
best. He was a univarsal favourite among the gals, and tho' he didn't
behave very pretty neither, forgetting to marry where he promised,
and where he hadn't ought to have forgot too; yet, so it was, he had
such an uncommon winnin' way with him, he could talk them over in no
time. Sall was fairly bewitched.

"At last, Father said to him one evening when he came a-courtin',
'Jim,' says he, 'you'll never come to no good, if you act like Old
Scratch as you do; you ain't fit to come into no decent man's house
at all, and your absence would be ten times more agreeable than your
company, I tell you. I won't consent to Sall's goin' to them 'ere
huskin' parties and quiltin' frolics along with you no more, on no
account, for you know how Polly Brown and Nancy White--' 'Now don't,'
says he, 'now don't, Uncle Sam, say no more about that; if you knowed
all you wouldn't say it was my fault; and besides, I have turned
right about, I am on t'other tack now, and the long leg, too; I am
as steady as a pump bolt now. I intend to settle myself and take a
farm.' 'Yes yes, and you could stock it too, by all accounts, pretty
well, unless you are much misreported,' says father, 'but it won't
do. I knew your father; he was our Sargeant; a proper clever and
brave man he was too; he was one of the heroes of our glorious
revolution. I had a great respect for him, and I am sorry for his
sake you will act as you do; but I tell you once for all you must
give up all thoughts of Sall, now and for everlastin'.' When Sall
heerd this, she began to knit away like mad in a desperate hurry; she
looked foolish enough, that's a fact. First she tried to bite in her
breath, and look as if there was nothin' particular in the wind,
then she blushed all over like scarlet fever, but she recovered that
pretty soon; and then her colour went and came, and came and went,
till at last she grew as white as chalk, and down she fell slap off
her seat on the floor, in a faintin' fit. 'I see,' says father, 'I
see it now, you etarnal villain,' and he made a pull at the old
fashioned sword, that always hung over the fireplace (we used to call
it old Bunker, for his stories always begun, 'when I was at Bunker's
hill'), and drawing it out, he made a clip at him as wicked as if he
was stabbing at a rat with a hay fork; but Jim, he outs of the door
like a shot, and draws it too arter him, and father sends old Bunker
right through the panel. 'I'll chop you up as fine as mince meat, you
villain,' said he, 'if ever I catch you inside my door agin; mind
what I tell you, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET.' Well, he made himself
considerable scarce arter that, he never sot foot inside the door
agin, and I thought he had gin up all hopes of Sall, and she of him;
when one night, a most particular uncommon dark night, as I was
a-comin' home from neighbour Dearborne's, I heerd some one a-talkin'
under Sall's window. Well, I stops and listens, and who should it be
near the ash saplin', but Jim Munroe, a-tryin' to persuade Sall to
run off with him to Rhode Island to be married. It was all settled,
he should come with a horse and shay to the gate, and then help her
out of the window, jist at nine o'clock, about the time she commonly
went to bed. Then he axes her to reach down her hand for him to kiss
(for he was proper clever at soft sawder), and she stretches it down
and he kisses it; and, says he, 'I believe I must have the whole of
you out arter all,' and gives her a jirk that kinder startled her;
it came so sudden like it made her scream; so off he sot, hot foot,
and over the gate in no time.

"Well, I ciphered over this all night, a-calculatin' how I should
reciprocate that trick with him, and at last I hit on a scheme. I
recollected father's words at partin', 'MIND WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU'LL
SWING FOR IT YET;' and thinks I, friend Jim, I'll make that prophecy
come true yet, I guess. So the next night, jist at dark, I gives
January Snow, the old nigger, a nidge with my elbow, and as soon as
he looks up, I winks and walks out and he arter me. Says I, 'January
can you keep your tongue within your teeth, you old nigger you?' 'Why
massa, why you ax that 'ere question? My Gor A'mity, you tink old
Snow he don't know dat 'ere yet? My tongue he got plenty room now,
debil a tooth left; he can stretch out ever so far; like a little leg
in a big bed, he lay quiet enough, Massa, neber fear.' 'Well, then,'
says I, 'bend down that 'ere ash saplin' softly, you old Snowball,
and make no noise. The saplin' was no sooner bent than secured to the
ground by a notched peg and a noose, and a slip-knot was suspended
from the tree, jist over the track that led from the pathway to the
house. 'Why, my Gor, massa, that's a--' 'Hold your mug, you old
nigger,' says I, 'or I'll send your tongue a-sarchin' arter your
teeth; keep quiet, and follow me in presently.'

"Well, jist as it struck nine o'clock, says I, 'Sally, hold this here
hank of twine for a minute, till I wind a trifle on it off; that's
a dear critter.' She sot down her candle, and I put the twine on
her hands, and then I begins to wind and wind away ever so slow, and
drops the ball every now and then, so as to keep her downstairs.
'Sam,' says she, 'I do believe you won't wind that 'ere twine off all
night, do give it to January; I won't stay no longer, I'm e'enamost
dead asleep.' 'The old feller's arm is so plaguy onsteady,' says I,
'it won't do; but hark, what's that, I'm sure I heerd something in
the ash saplin', didn't you Sall?' 'I heerd the geese there, that's
all,' says she, 'they always come under the windows at night;' but
she looked scared enough, and says she, 'I vow I'm tired a holdin'
out of my arms this way, and I won't do it no longer;' and down she
throw'd the hank on the floor. 'Well,' says I, 'stop one minute,
dear, till I send old January out to see if anybody is there;
perhaps some o' neighbour Dearborne's cattle have broke into the
sarce garden. January went out, though Sall say'd it was no use, for
she knew the noise of the geese, they always kept close to the house
at night, for fear of the varmin. Presently in runs old Snow, with
his hair standin' up an eend, and the whites of his eyes lookin'
as big as the rims of a soup plate. 'Oh! Gor A'mity,' said he, 'oh
massa, oh Miss Sally, oh!' 'What on airth is the matter with you?'
said Sally; 'how you do frighten me; I vow I believe you'r mad.'
'Oh my Gor,' said he, 'oh! massa Jim Munroe he hang himself, on the
ash saplin' under Miss Sally's window--oh my Gor!' That shot was a
settler, it struck poor Sall right atwixt wind and water; she gave a
lurch ahead, then healed over and sunk right down in another faintin'
fit; and Juno, old Snow's wife, carried her off and laid her down on
the bed. Poor thing, she felt ugly enough, I do suppose.

"Well, father, I thought he'd a-fainted too, he was so struck up all
of a heap, he was completely bung fungered. 'Dear, dear,' said he, 'I
didn't think it would come to pass so soon, but I knew it would come;
I foretold it; says I, the last time I seed him, "Jim," says I, "mind
what I say, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET." Give me the sword I wore when
I was at Bunker's hill--maybe there is life yet--I'll cut him down.'
The lantern was soon made ready, and out we went to the ash saplin'.
'Cut me down, Sam, that's a good fellow,' said Jim, 'all the blood
in my body has swashed into my head, and's a-runnin' out o' my nose,
I'm e'enamost smothered, be quick for heaven's sake.' 'The Lord be
praised,' said father, 'the poor sinner is not quite dead yet. Why,
as I'm alive--well if that don't beat all natur'! Why he has hanged
himself by one leg, and's a-swingin' like a rabbit upside down,
that's a fact. Why, if he ain't snared, Sam; he is properly wired I
declare--I vow this is some o' your doin's, Sam--well it was a clever
scheme too, but a little grain too dangerous, I guess.' 'Don't stand
staring and jawin' there all night,' said Jim, 'cut me down, I tell
you--or cut my throat and be damned to you, for I am chokin' with
blood.' 'Roll over that 'ere hogshead, old Snow,' said I, 'till I get
atop on it and cut him down.' So I soon released him, but he couldn't
walk a bit. His ankle was swelled and sprained like vengeance, and he
swore one leg was near about six inches longer than t'other. 'Jim
Munroe,' says father, 'little did I think I should ever see you
inside my door agin, but I bid you enter now, we owe you that
kindness, anyhow.'

"Well, to make a long story short, Jim was so chop-fallen, and so
down in the mouth, he begged for heaven's sake it might be kept a
secret; he said he would run the state, if ever it got wind, he was
sure he couldn't stand it. 'It will be one while, I guess,' said
father, 'afore you are able to run or stand either; but if you will
give me your hand, Jim, and promise to give over your evil ways, I
will not only keep it secret, but you shall be a welcome guest at old
Sam Slick's once more, for the sake of your father. He was a brave
man, one of the heroes of Bunker's hill; he was our Sergeant and--'
'He promises,' says I, 'father' (for the old man had stuck his right
foot out, the way he always stood when he told about the old war;
and as Jim couldn't stir a peg, it was a grand chance, and he was
a-goin' to give him the whole revolution from General Gage up to
Independence), 'he promises,' says I, 'father.' Well it was all
settled, and things soon grew as calm as a pan of milk two days old;
and afore a year was over, Jim was as steady a-goin' man as Minister
Joshua Hopewell, and was married to our Sall. Nothin' was ever
said about the snare till arter the weddin'. When the Minister had
finished axin' a blessin', father goes up to Jim, and says he, 'Jim
Munroe, my boy,' givin' him a rousin' slap on the shoulder that sot
him a-coughin' for the matter of five minutes (for he was a mortal
powerful man, was father), 'Jim Munroe, my boy,' says he, 'you've
got the snare round your neck, I guess now, instead of your leg;
the saplin' has been a father to you, may you be the father of
many saplin's.'

"We had a most special time of it, you may depend, all except the
minister; father got him into a corner, and gave him chapter and
verse for the whole war. Every now and then as I come near them, I
heard Bunker's Hill, Brandywine, Clinton, Gates, and so on. It was
broad day when we parted, and the last that went was poor minister.
Father followed him clean down to the gate, and says he, 'Minister,
we hadn't time this hitch, or I'd a told you all about the evakyation
of New York, but I'll tell you that the next time we meet.'"

No. XXI

Setting up for Governor.

"I never see one of them queer little old-fashioned teapots, like
that 'ere in the cupboard of Marm Pugwash," said the Clockmaker,
"that I don't think of Lawyer Crowningshield and his wife. When I was
down to Rhode Island last, I spent an evening with them. Arter I had
been there a while, the black house-help brought in a little home
made dipped candle, stuck in a turnip sliced in two, to make it stand
straight, and set it down on the table. 'Why,' says the lawyer to his
wife, 'Increase my dear, what on airth is the meanin' o' that? What
does little Viney mean by bringin' in such a light as this, that
ain't fit for even a log hut of one of our free and enlightened
citizens away down east; where's the lamp?' 'My dear,' says she, 'I
ordered it--you know they are a-goin' to set you up for Governor next
year, and I allot we must economize or we will be ruined; the salary
is only four hundred dollars a year, you know, and you'll have to
give up your practice; we can't afford nothin' now.'

"Well, when tea was brought in, there was a little wee china teapot,
that held about the matter of half a pint or so, and cups and sarcers
about the bigness of children's toys. When he seed that, he grew most
peskily riled, his under lip curled down like a peach leaf that's got
a worm in it, and he stripped his teeth, and showed his grinders,
like a bull-dog. 'What foolery is this?' said he. 'My dear,' said
she, 'it's the foolery of being Governor; if you choose to sacrifice
all your comfort to being the first rung in the ladder, don't blame
me for it. I didn't nominate you--I had not art nor part in it. It
was cooked up at that 'ere Convention, at Town Hall.' Well, he sot
for some time without sayin' a word, lookin' as black as a thunder
cloud, just ready to make all natur' crack agin. At last he gets up,
and walks round behind his wife's chair, and takin' her face between
his two hands, he turns it up and gives her a buss that went off like
a pistol; it fairly made my mouth water to see him; thinks I, Them
lips ain't a bad bank to deposit one's spare kisses in, neither.
'Increase, my dear,' said he, 'I believe you are half right; I'll
decline tomorrow, I'll have nothin' to do with it. I WON'T BE A
GOVERNOR, ON NO ACCOUNT.'

"Well, she had to haw and gee like, both a little, afore she could
get her head out of his hands; and then she said, 'Zachariah,' says
she, 'how you do act! Ain't you ashamed? Do for gracious sake behave
yourself!' and she coloured up all over like a crimson piany; 'if you
havn't foozled all my hair too, that's a fact,' says she; and she put
her curls to rights, and looked as pleased as fun, though poutin'
all the time, and walked right out of the room. Presently in come
two well dressed house-helps, one with a splendid gilt lamp, a real
London touch, and another with a tea tray, with a large solid silver
coffee pot, and teapot, and a cream jug, and sugar bowl, of the same
genuine metal, and a most an elegant set of real gilt china. Then in
came Marm Crowningshield herself, lookin' as proud as if she would
not call the President her cousin; and she gave the lawyer a look, as
much as to say, I guess when Mr. Slick is gone, I'll pay you off that
'ere kiss with interest, you dear you; I'll answer a bill at sight
for it, I will, you may depend. 'I believe,' said he agin, 'you are
right, Increase, my dear, it's an expensive kind of honour that,
bein' Governor, and no great thanks neither; great cry and little
wool, all talk and no cider. It's enough I guess for a man to govern
his own family, ain't it, dear?' 'Sartin, my love,' said she,
'sartin, a man is never so much in his own proper sphere as there;
and beside,' said she, 'his will is supreme to home, there is no
danger of any one non-concurring him there;' and she gave me a sly
look, as much as to say, I let him think he is master in his own
house, FOR WHEN LADIES WEAR THE BREECHES, THEIR PETTICOATS OUGHT TO
BE LONG ENOUGH TO HIDE THEM; but I allot, Mr. Slick, you can see with
half an eye that the 'grey mare is the better horse' here.

"What a pity it is," continued the Clockmaker, "that the Bluenoses
would not take a leaf out of Marm Crowninshield's book--talk more of
their own affairs and less of politics. I'm sick of the everlastin'
sound of 'House of Assembly,' and 'Council,' and 'great folks.' They
never alleviate talking about them from July to etarnity.

"I had a curious conversation about politics once, away up to the
right here. Do you see that 'ere house," said he, "in the field,
that's got a lurch to leeward, like a north river sloop, struck with
a squall, off West Point, lopsided like? It looks like Seth Pine, a
tailor down to Hartford, that had one leg shorter than t'other, when
he stood at ease at militia trainin', a-restin' on the littlest one.
Well, I had a special frolic there the last time I passed this way.
I lost the linch pin out of my forrard axle, and I turned up there
to get it sot to rights. Just as I drove through the gate, I saw the
eldest gal a-makin' for the house for dear life--she had a short
petticoat on that looked like a kilt, and her bare legs put me in
mind of the long shanks of a bittern down in a rush swamp, a-drivin'
away like mad, full chisel arter a frog. I couldn't think what on
airth was the matter. Thinks I, she wants to make herself look decent
like afore I get in, she don't like to pull her stockings on afore
me; so I pulls up the old horse and let her have a fair start. Well,
when I came to the door, I heard a proper scuddin'; there was a
regular flight into Egypt, jist such a noise as little children make
when the mistress comes suddenly into school, all a-huddlin' and
scroudgin' into their seats, as quick as wink. 'Dear me!' says the
old woman, as she put her head out of a broken window to avail who it
was, 'is it you, Mr. Slick? I sniggers, if you didn't frighten us
properly, we actilly thought it was the sheriff; do come in.

"Poor thing, she looked half starved and half savage, hunger and
temper had made proper strong lines in her face, like water furrows
in a ploughed field; she looked bony and thin, like a horse that has
had more work than oats, and had a wicked expression, as though it
warn't over safe to come too near her heels--an everlastin' kicker.
'You may come out, John,' said she to her husband, 'it's only Mr.
Slick;' and out came John from under the bed backwards, on all fours,
like an ox out of the shoein' frame, or a lobster skullin' wrong eend
foremost; he looked as wild as a hawk. Well, I swan, I thought I
should have split, I could hardly keep from bustin' right out with
larfter; he was all covered with feathers, lint and dust, the savin's
of all the sweepin's since the house was built, shoved under there
for tidiness. He actilly sneezed for the matter of ten minutes--he
seemed half choked with the flaff and stuff, that came out with him
like a cloud. Lord, he looked like a goose half picked, as if all the
quills were gone, but the pin-feathers and down were left, jist ready
for singein' and stuffin. He put me in mind of a sick Adjutant, a
great tall hulkin' bird, that comes from the East Indgies, a'most as
high as a man, and most as knowin' as a Bluenose. I'd a gin a hundred
dollars to have had that chap as a show at a fair; tar and feathers
warn't half as nateral. You've seen a gal both larf and cry at the
same time, hain't you? Well, I hope I may be shot if I couldn't have
done the same. To see that critter come like a turkey out of a bag
at Christmas, to be fired at for ten cents a shot, was as good as a
play; but to look round and see the poverty--the half-naked children;
the old pine stumps for chairs; a small bin of poor, watery, yaller
potatoes in the corner; daylight through the sides and roof of the
house, lookin' like the tarred seams of a ship, all black where the
smoke got out; no utensils for cookin' or eatin'; and starvation
wrote as plain as a handbill on their holler cheeks, skinney fingers,
and sunk eyes--went right straight to the heart. I do declare I
believe I should have cried, only they didn't seem to mind it
themselves. They had been used to it, like a man that's married to
a thunderin' ugly wife, he gets so accustomed to the look of her
everlastin' dismal mug, that he don't think her ugly at all.

"Well, there was another chap a-settin' by the fire, and he DID look
as if he saw it, and felt it too; he didn't seem over half pleased,
you may depend. He was the District Schoolmaster, and he told me he
was takin' a spell at boardin' there, for it was their turn to keep
him. Thinks I to myself, poor devil, you've brought your pigs to a
pretty market, that's a fact. I see how it is, the Bluenoses can't
cipher. The cat's out of the bag now; it's no wonder they don't go
ahead, for they don't know nothin'; the 'Schoolmaster is abroad,'
with the devil to it, for he has no home at all. Why, Squire, you
might jist as well expect a horse to go right off in gear, before he
is halter broke, as a Bluenose to get on in the world, when he has
got no schoolin'.

"But to get back to my story. 'Well,' says I, 'how's times with you,
Mrs. Spry?' 'Dull,' says she, 'very dull; there's no markets now,
things don't fetch nothin'.' Thinks I, some folks hadn't ought to
complain of markets, for they don't raise nothin' to sell, but I
didn't say so; FOR POVERTY IS KEEN ENOUGH, WITHOUT SHARPENING ITS
EDGE BY POKIN' FUN AT IT. 'Potatoes,' says I, 'will fetch a good
price this fall, for it's a short crop in a general way; how's
your'n?' 'Grand,' says she, 'as complete as you ever seed; our tops
were small and didn't look well; but we have the handsomest bottoms,
it's generally allowed, in all our place; you never seed the best of
them, they are actilly worth lookin' at.' I vow I had to take a chaw
of tobaccy to keep from snortin' right out, it sounded so queer like.
Thinks I to myself, old lady, it's a pity you couldn't be changed
eend for eend then, as some folks do their stockings; it would
improve the look of your dial-plate amazin'ly then, that's a fact.

"Now there was human natur', Squire," said the Clockmaker, "there was
pride even in that hovel. It is found in rags as well as King's
robes, where butter is spread with the thumb as well as the silver
knife, NATUR' IS NATUR' WHEREVER YOU FIND IT.

"Jist then, in came one or two neighbours to see the sport, for they
took me for a sheriff or constable, or something of that breed, and
when they saw it was me they sot down to hear the news; they fell
right too at politics as keen as anything, as if it had been a dish
of real Connecticut slapjacks, or hominy; or what is better still, a
glass of real genuine splendid mint julep, WHE-EU-UP, it fairly makes
my mouth water to think of it. 'I wonder,' says one, 'what they will
do for us this winter in the House of Assembly?' 'Nothin',' says the
other, 'they never do nothin' but what the great people at Halifax
tell 'em. Squire Yeoman is the man, he'll pay up the great folks this
hitch, he'll let 'em have their own, he's jist the boy that can do
it.' Says I, 'I wish I could say all men were as honest then, for
I am afeard there are a great many won't pay me up this winter; I
should like to trade with your friend, who is he?' 'Why,' says he,
'he is the member for Isle Sable County, and if he don't let the
great folks have it, it's a pity.' 'Who do you call great folks?'
said I, 'for I vow I havn't seed one since I came here. The only one
that I know that comes near hand to one is Nicholas Overknocker,
that lives all along shore, about Margaret's Bay, and HE IS a great
man--it takes a yoke of oxen to drag him. When I first seed him, says
I, "What on airth is the matter o' that man, has he the dropsy? For
he is actilly the greatest man I ever seed; he must weigh the matter
of five hundred weight; he'd cut three inches on the rib; he must
have a proper sight of lard, that chap." No,' says I, 'don't call 'em
great men, for there ain't a great man in the country, that's a fact;
there ain't one that desarves the name; folks will only larf at you
if you talk that way. There may be some rich men, and I believe there
be, and it's a pity there warn't more on 'em, and a still greater
pity they have so little spirit or enterprise among 'em, but a
country is none the worse of having rich men in it, you may depend.
Great folks! Well, come, that's a good joke, that bangs the bush. No,
my friend,' says I, 'the meat that's at the top of the barrel, is
sometimes not so good as that that's a little further down; the
upper and lower eends are plaguy apt to have a little taint in 'em,
but the middle is always good.'

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