The Clockmaker

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> The Clockmaker

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"As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the stables, and
then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket handkerchief tied round
his head, and colt a-looking like himself as proud as a nabob, chock
full of spring like the wire eend of a bran' new pair of trouser
galluses. One said, 'That's a plaguy nice lookin' colt that old
feller has arter all.' 'That horse will show play for it yet,' says a
third; and I heard one feller say, 'I guess that's a regular Yankee
trick, a complete take in.' They had a fair start for it, and off
they sot; father took the lead and kept it, and won the race, though
it was a pretty tight scratch, for father was too old to ride colt,
he was near about the matter of seventy years old.

"Well, when the colt was walked round after the race, there was an
amazin' crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him; but, says
father, 'How am I to get home without him, and what shall I do with
that 'ere wagon and harness so far as I be from Slickville.' So he
kept them in talk, till he felt their pulses pretty well, and at
last he closed with a Southerner for seven hundred dollars, and we
returned, having made a considerable good spec of colt. Says father
to me, 'Sam,' says he, 'you seed the crowd a-follerin' the winnin'
horse, when we came there, didn't you?' 'Yes sir,' said I, 'I did.'
'Well, when colt beat him, no one follered him at all, but come
a-crowdin' about HIM. That's popularity,' said he, 'soon won, soon
lost--cried up sky high one minute, and deserted the next or run
down; colt will share the same fate. He'll get beat afore long, and
then he's done for. The multitude are always fickle-minded. Our
great Washington found that out, and the British officer that beat
Bonaparte, the bread they gave him turned sour afore he got half
through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened afore it ran right
back to lye and grease agin.

"'I was sarved the same way. I liked to have missed my pension; the
Committee said I warn't at Bunker's hill at all, the villans. That
was a Glo---' Thinks I, old boy, if you once get into that 'ere
field, you'll race longer than colt, a plaguy sight; you'll run clear
away to the fence to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in
and took a hand myself. 'Yes,' says I, 'you did 'em father, properly;
that old wagon was a bright scheme, it led 'em on till you got 'em on
the right spot, didn't it?' Says father, 'THERE'S A MORAL SAM, IN
EVERYTHING IN NATUR'. Never have nothin' to do with elections, you
see the vally of popularity in the case of that 'ere horse--sarve the
public nine hundred and ninety-nine times, and the thousandth, if
they don't agree with you, they desart and abuse you. See how they
sarved old John Adams, see how they let Jefferson starve in his old
age, see how good old Munroe like to have got right into jail, after
his term of President was up. They may talk of independence,' says
father, 'but Sam, I'll tell you what independence is,' and he gave
his hands a slap agin his trousers pocket, and made the gold eagles
he won at the race all jingle agin--'THAT!' says he, giving them
another wipe with his fist, and winkin', as much as to say, do you
hear that, my boy! 'THAT I CALL INDEPENDENCE.' He was in great
spirits, the old man, he was so proud of winnin' the race, and
puttin' the leake into the New Yorkers, he looked all dander. 'Let
them great hungry, ill-favoured, long-legged bitterns,' says he
(only he called them by another name that don't sound quite pretty),
'from the outlandish states to Congress, TALK ABOUT independence; but
Sam,' said he, hitting the shiners agin till he made them dance right
up an eend in his pocket, 'I LIKE TO FEEL IT.'

"'No Sam,' said he, 'line the pocket well first, make that
independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse turned out
to grass in the spring for the first time; he's all head and tail,
a-snortin' and kickin' and racin' and carryin' on like mad; it soon
gets independent too. While it's in the stall it may hold up, and
paw, and whinny, and feel as spry as anything, but the leather strap
keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the eend of it makes
it hold down its head at last. No,' says he, 'here's independence,'
and he gave the Eagles such a drive with his fist, he bust his pocket
and sent a whole raft of them a-spinnin' down his leg to the ground.
Says I, 'father,' and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin', he
looked so peskily vexed, 'Father,' says I, 'I guess there's a moral
in that 'ere too: EXTREMES NARY WAY ARE NONE O' THE BEST.' 'Well,
well,' says he, kinder snappishly, 'I suppose you're half right, Sam,
but we've said enough about it; let's drop the subject, and see if I
have picked 'em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I'm
near hand to seventy.'"

No. XVI

Mr. Slick's Opinion of the British.

"What success had you," said I, "in the sale of your clocks among
the Scotch in the eastern part of the Province? Do you find them as
gullible as the Bluenoses?"

"Well," said he, "you have heerd tell that a Yankee never answers one
question, without axing another, haven't you? Did you ever see an
English stage-driver make a bow? because if you hain't observed it, I
have, and a queer one it is, I swan. He brings his right arm up, jist
across his face, and passes on, with a knowin' nod of his head, as
much as to say, how do you do? but keep clear o' my wheels, or I'll
fetch your horses a lick in the mouth as sure as you're born; jist as
a bear puts up his paw to fend off the blow of a stick from his nose.
Well, that's the way I pass them 'ere bare-breeched Scotchmen. Lord,
if they were located down in these here Cumberland marshes, how
the mosquitoes would tickle them up, wouldn't they? They'd set 'em
scratching thereabouts, as an Irishman does his head, when he's in
sarch of a lie. Them 'ere fellers cut their eye-teeth afore they ever
sot foot in this country, I expect. When they get a bawbee, they know
what to do with it, that's a fact; they open their pouch and drop it
in, and it's got a spring like a fox-trap; it holds fast to all it
gets, like grim death to a dead nigger. They are proper skinflints,
you may depend. Oatmeal is no great shakes at best; it ain't even as
good for a horse as real yeller Varginny corn, but I guess I warn't
long in finding out that the grits hardly pay for the riddlin'. No, a
Yankee has as little chance among them as a Jew has in New England;
the sooner he clears out, the better. You can no more put a leake
into them, than you can send a chisel into teake wood; it turns the
edge of the tool the first drive. If the Bluenoses knew the value of
money as well as they do, they'd have more cash, and fewer clocks and
tin reflectors, I reckon.

"Now, it's different with the Irish; they never carry a puss, for
they never have a cent to put in it. They are always in love or in
liquor, or else in a row; they are the merriest shavers I ever seed.
Judge Beler--I dare say you have heerd tell of him; he's a funny
feller--he put a notice over his factory gate at Lowell, 'no cigars
or Irishmen admitted within these walls;' for, said he, 'The one will
set a flame a-goin' among my cottons, and t'other among my gals. I
won't have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no
account.' When the British wanted our folks to join in the treaty to
chock the wheels of the slave trade, I recollect hearin' old John
Adams say, we had ought to humour them; for, says he, 'They supply
us with labour on easier terms, by shippin' out the Irish.' Says he,
'They work better, and they work cheaper, and they don't live so
long. The blacks, when they are past work hang on for ever, and a
proper bill of expence they be; but hot weather and new rum rub out
the poor rates for t'other ones.'

"The English are the boys for tradin' with; they shell out their cash
like a sheef of wheat in frosty weather; it flies all over the
thrashin' floor; but then they are a cross-grained, ungainly, kickin'
breed of cattle, as I e'enamost ever seed. Whoever gave them the name
of John Bull, knew what he was about, I tell you; for they are
bull-necked, bull-headed folks, I vow; sulky, ugly tempered, vicious
critters, a-pawin' and a-roarin' the whole time, and plaguy onsafe
unless well watched. They are as headstrong as mules, and as
conceited as peacocks."

The astonishment with which I heard this tirade against my countrymen
absorbed every feeling of resentment. I listened with amazement at
the perfect composure with which he uttered it. He treated it as one
of those self-evident truths, that need neither proof nor apology,
but as a thing well known and admitted by all mankind.

"There's no richer sight that I know of," said he, "than to see one
on 'em when he first lands in one of our great cities. He swells out
as big as a balloon; his skin is ready to burst with wind--a regular
walking bag of gas; and he prances over the pavement like a bear over
hot iron; a great awkward hulk of a feller--for they ain't to be
compared to the French in manners--a-smirkin' at you, as much as to
say, 'Look here, Jonathan, here's an Englishman; here's a boy that's
got blood as pure as a Norman pirate, and lots of the blunt of both
kinds, a pocket full of one, and a mouthfull of t'other; bean't he
lovely?' and then he looks as fierce as a tiger, as much as to say,
'Say boo to a goose, if you dare.'

"No, I believe we may stump the univarse; we improve on everything,
and we have improved on our own species. You'll search one while, I
tell you, afore you'll find a man that, take him by and large, is
equal to one of our free and enlightened citizens. He's the chap
that has both speed, wind and bottom; he's clear grit--ginger to the
backbone, you may depend. It's generally allowed there ain't the beat
of them to be found anywhere. Spry as a fox, supple as an eel, and
cute as a weasel. Though I say it that shouldn't say it, they fairly
take the shine off creation--they are actilly equal to cash."

He looked like a man who felt that he had expressed himself so aptly
and so well, that anything additional would only weaken its effect;
he therefore changed the conversation immediately, by pointing to a
tree at some little distance from the house, and remarking that it
was the rock maple or sugar tree.

"It's a pretty tree," said he, "and a profitable one too to raise.
It will bear tapping for many years, tho' it gets exhausted at last.
This Province is like that 'ere tree, it is tapped till it begins
to die at the top, and if they don't drive in a spile and stop the
everlastin' flow of the sap, it will perish altogether. All the money
that's made here, all the interest that's paid in it, and a pretty
considerable portion of rent too, all goes abroad for investment, and
the rest is sent to us to buy bread. It's drained like a bog, it has
opened and covered trenches all through it, and then there's others
to the foot of the upland to cut off the springs.

"Now you may make even a bog too dry; you may take the moisture out
of it to that degree, that the very sile becomes dust and blows away.
The English funds, and our banks, railroads, and canals, are all
absorbing your capital like a sponge, and will lick it up as fast as
you can make it. That very bridge we heerd of at Windsor is owned in
New Brunswick, and will pay toll to that province. The capitalists
of Nova Scotia treat it like a hired house, they won't keep it in
repair; they neither paint it to preserve the boards, nor stop a leak
to keep the frame from rottin'; but let it go to wrack sooner than
drive a nail or put in a pane of glass. 'It will sarve our turn out,'
they say.

"There's neither spirit, enterprise, nor patriotism here; but the
whole country is as inactive as a bear in winter, that does nothin'
but scroutch up in his den, a-thinkin' to himself, 'Well if I ain't
an unfortunate devil, it's a pity; I have a most splendid warm coat
as e'er a gentleman in these here woods, let him be who he will;
but I got no socks to my feet, and I have to sit for everlastingly
a-suckin' of my paws to keep 'em warm; if it warn't for that, I
guess, I'd make some o' them chaps that have hoofs to their feet and
horns to their heads, look about them pretty sharp, I know.' It's
dismal now, ain't it? If I had the framin' of the Governor's message,
if I wouldn't show 'em how to put timber together you may depend, I'd
make 'em scratch their heads and stare, I know.

"I went down to Matanzas in the Fulton steamboat once; well, it was
the first of the kind they ever seed, and proper scared they were
to see a vessel, without sails or oars, goin' right straight ahead,
nine knots an hour, in the very wind's eye, and a great streak of
smoke arter her as long as the tail of a comet. I believe they
thought it was Old Nick alive, a-treatin' himself to a swim. You
could see the niggers a-clippin' it away from the shore, for dear
life, and the soldiers a-movin' about as if they thought that we were
a-goin' to take the whole country. Presently a little half-starved
orange-coloured lookin' Spanish officer, all dressed off in his
livery, as fine as a fiddle, came off with two men in a boat to board
us. Well, we yawed once or twice, and motioned to him to keep off for
fear he should get hurt; but he came right on afore the wheel, and I
hope I may be shot if the paddle didn't strike the bow of the boat
with that force, it knocked up the starn like a plank tilt, when one
of the boys playin' on it is heavier than t'other; and chucked him
right atop of the wheel-house. You never seed a feller in such a
dunderment in your life. He had picked up a little English from
seein' our folks there so much, and when he got up, the first thing
he said was,'Damn all sheenery, I say; where's my boat?' and he
looked round as if he thought it had jumped on board too. 'Your
boat?' said the captain, why I expect it's gone to the bottom, and
your men have gone down to look arter it, for we never seed or heerd
tell of one or t'other of them arter the boat was struck.' Yes, I'd
make 'em stare like that 'ere Spanish officer, as if they had seed
out of their eyes for the first time. Governor Campbell didn't expect
to see such a country as this when he came here, I reckon; I know he
didn't.

"When I was a little boy, about knee high or so, and lived down
Connecticut river, mother used to say, 'Sam, if you don't give over
acting so like Old Scratch, I'll send you off to Nova Scotia as sure
as you are born; I will, I vow.' Well, Lord, how that 'ere used to
frighten me; it made my hair stand right up an eend, like a cat's
back when she is wrathy; it made me drop it as quick as wink; like
a tin night cap put on a dipped candle a-goin' to bed, it put the
fun right out. Neighbour Dearborne's darter married a gentleman to
Yarmouth, that speculates in the smugglin' line. Well, when she went
on board to sail down to Nova Scotia, all her folks took on as if it
was a funeral; they said she was goin' to be buried alive like the
nuns in Portengale that get a-frolickin', break out of the pastur',
and race off, and get catched and brought back agin. Says the old
Colonel, her father, 'Deliverance, my dear, I would sooner foller you
to your grave, for that would be an eend to your troubles, than to
see you go off to that dismal country, that's nothin' but an iceberg
aground;' and he howled as loud as an Irishman that tries to wake his
wife when she is dead. Awful accounts we have of the country, that's
a fact; but if the Province is not so bad as they make it out, the
folks are a thousand times worse.

"You've seen a flock of partridges of a frosty mornin' in the fall,
a-crowdin' out of the shade to a sunny spot, and huddlin' up there
in the warmth? Well, the Bluenoses have nothin' else to do half the
time but sun themselves. Whose fault is that? Why it's the fault
of the legislature; they don't encourage internal improvement, nor
the investment of capital in the country; and the result is apathy,
inaction and poverty. They spend three months in Halifax, and what do
they do? Father gave me a dollar once, to go to the fair at Hartford,
and when I came back, says he, 'Sam, what have you got to show for
it?' Now I ax what have they to show for their three months' setting?
They mislead folks; they make 'em believe all the use of the assembly
is to bark at councillors, judges, bankers, and such cattle, to keep
'em from eatin' up the crops; and it actilly costs more to feed them
when they are watchin', than all the others could eat if they did
break a fence and get in. Indeed some folks say they are the most
breachy of the two, and ought to go to pound themselves. If their
fences are good, them hungry cattle couldn't break through; and if
they ain't, they ought to stake 'em up, and with them well; but it's
no use to make fences unless the land is cultivated. If I see a farm
all gone to wrack, I say here's bad husbandry and bad management; and
if I see a Province like this, of great capacity, and great natural
resources, poverty-stricken, I say there's bad legislation.

"No," said he (with an air of more seriousness than I had yet
observed), "how much it is to be regretted, that, laying aside
personal attacks and petty jealousies, they would not unite as one
man, and with one mind and one heart apply themselves sedulously to
the internal improvement and developement of this beautiful Province.
Its value is utterly unknown, either to the general or local
Government, and the only persons who duly appreciate it are the
Yankees."

No. XVII

A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade.

"I met a man this mornin'," said the Clockmaker, "from Halifax, a
real conceited lookin' critter as you e'enamost ever seed, all shines
and didoes. He looked as if he had picked up his airs arter some
officer of the regilars had worn 'em out and cast 'em off. They sot
on him like second-hand clothes, as if they hadn't been made for him
and didn't exactly fit. He looked fine, but awkward, like a captain
of militia when he gets his uniform on, to play sodger; a-thinkin'
himself mighty handSUM, and that all the world is a-lookin' at him.
He marched up and down afore the street door like a peacock, as large
as life and twice as natural; he had a riding whip in his hand and
every now and then struck it agin his thigh, as much as to say,
'Ain't that a splendid leg for a boot, now? Won't I astonish the
Amherst folks, that's all?' Thinks I, 'You are a pretty blade, ain't
you? I'd like to fit a Yankee handle on to you, that's a fact.' When
I came up, he held up his head near about as high as a shot factory,
and stood with his fists on his hips, and eyed me from head to foot,
as a shakin' quaker does a town lady; as much as to say, 'What a
queer critter you be, that's toggery I never seed afore; you're some
carnal-minded maiden, that's sartain.'

"'Well,' says he to me, with the air of a man that chucks a cent into
a beggar's hat, 'a fine day this, sir.' 'Do you actilly think so?'
said I, and I gave it the real Connecticut drawl. 'Why,' said he,
quite short, 'if I didn't think so, I wouldn't say so.' 'Well,' says
I, 'I don't know, but if I did think so, I guess I wouldn't say so.'
'Why not?' says he. 'Because, I expect,' says I, 'any fool could see
that as well as me;' and then I stared at him, as much as to say,
'Now if you like that 'ere swap, I am ready to trade with you agin as
soon as you like.' Well, he turned right round on his heel and walked
off, a-whistlin' Yankee Doodle to himself. He looked jist like a man
that finds whistlin' a plaguy sight easier than thinkin'.

"Presently, I heard him ax the groom who that 'ere Yankee lookin'
feller was. 'That?' said the groom, 'why, I guess it's Mr. Slick.'
'Sho!' said he, 'how you talk. What! Slick the Clockmaker? why it
ain't possible; I wish I had a known that 'ere afore, I declare,
for I have a great curiosity to see him; folks say he is an amazin'
clever feller that;' and he turned and stared, as if it was old
Hickory himself. Then he walked round and about like a pig round
the fence of a potato field, a-watchin' for a chance to cut in; so,
thinks I, I'll jist give him something to talk about, when he gets
back to the city; I'll fix a Yankee handle on to him in no time.

"'How's times to Halifax, sir,' said I. 'Better,' says he, 'much
better. Business is done on a surer bottom than it was, and things
look bright agin.' 'So does a candle,' says I, 'jist afore it goes
out; it burns up ever so high and then sinks right down, and leaves
nothin' behind but grease, and an everlastin' bad smell. I guess they
don't know how to feed their lamp, and it can't burn long on nothin'.
No, sir, the jig is up with Halifax, and it's all their own fault. If
a man sits at his door, and sees stray cattle in his field, a-eatin'
up of his crop, and his neighbours, a-eatin' off his grain, and won't
so much as go and drive 'em out, why I should say it sarves him
right.'

"I don't exactly understand, sir,' said he. Thinks I, it would be
strange if you did, for I never see one of your folks yet that could
understand a hawk from a handsaw. 'Well,' says I, 'I will tell you
what I mean: draw a line from Cape Sable to Cape Cansoo, right
through the Province, and it will split it into two, this way;' and I
cut an apple into two halves; 'now,' says I, 'the worst half, like
the rotten half of the apple, belongs to Halifax, and the other and
sound half belongs to St. John. Your side of the province on the sea
coast is all stone; I never seed such a proper sight of rocks in my
life; it's enough to starve a rabbit. Well, t'other side on the Bay
of Fundy, is a superfine country; there ain't the beat of it to be
found anywhere. Now, wouldn't the folks living away up to the Bay, be
pretty fools to go to Halifax, when they can go to St. John with half
the trouble. St. John is the natural capital of the Bay of Fundy;
it will be the largest city in America next to New York. It has an
immense back country as big as Great Britain, a first chop river, and
amazin' sharp folks, most as cute as the Yankees; it's a splendid
location for business. Well, they draw all the produce of the Bay
shores, and where the produce goes the supplies return; they will take
the whole trade of the Province. I guess your rich folks will find
they've burnt their fingers; they've put their foot in it, that's
a fact. Houses without tenants, wharves without shipping, a town
without people--what a grand investment! If you have any loose
dollars, let 'em out on mortgage in Halifax, that's a security; keep
clear of the country for your life; the people may run, but the town
can't. No, take away the troops, and you're done; you'll sing the
dead march folks did at Louisburg and Shelburne. Why you hain't got
a single thing worth havin', but a good harbour, and as for that the
coast is full of 'em. You havn't a pine log, a spruce board or a
refuse shingle; you neither raise wheat, oats, or hay, nor never can;
you have no staples on airth, unless it be them iron ones for the
padlocks in Bridewell. You've sowed pride and reaped poverty; take
care of your crop, for it's worth harvestin'. You have no river and
no country, what in the name of fortin' have you to trade on?

"'But,' said he (and he showed the whites of his eyes like a
wall-eyed horse), 'but,' said he, 'Mr. Slick, how is it then, Halifax
ever grew at all! Hasn't it got what it always had? It's no worse
than it was.' 'I guess,' said I, 'that pole ain't strong enough to
bear you, neither; if you trust to that, you'll be into the brook, as
sure as you are born; you once had the trade of the whole Province,
but St. John has run off with that now; you've lost all but your
trade in blueberries and rabbits with the niggers at Hammond Plains.
You've lost your customers; your rivals have a better stand for
business--they've got the corner store; four great streets meet
there, and it's near the market slip.'

"Well, he stared; says he, 'I believe you're right, but I never
thought of that afore.' Thinks I, nobody'd ever suspect you of the
trick of thinkin' that ever I heerd tell of. 'Some of our great men,'
said he, 'laid it all to your folks' selling so many clocks and
Polyglot Bibles; they say you have taken off a horrid sight of
money.' 'Did they, indeed?' said I; 'well, I guess it ain't pins and
needles that's the expense of house-keepin', it is something more
costly than that.' 'Well, some folks say it's the banks,' says
he. 'Better still,' says I; 'perhaps you've hearn tell, too, that
greasin' the axle, makes a gig harder to draw, for there's jist
about as much sense in that.' 'Well then,' says he, 'others say it's
smugglin' has made us so poor.' 'That guess,' said I, 'is most as
good as t'other one; whoever found out that secret ought to get a
patent for it, for it's worth knowin'. Then the country has grown
poorer, hasn't it, because it has bought cheaper this year, than it
did the year before? Why, your folks are cute chaps, I vow; they'd
puzzle a Philadelphia lawyer, they are so amazin' knowin'.' 'Ah,'
said he, and he rubb'd his hands and smiled, like a young doctor,
when he gets his first patient; 'ah,' said he, 'if the timber duties
are altered, down comes St. John, body and breeches; it's built on
a poor foundation--it's all show; they are speculatin' like mad;
they'll ruin themselves.' Says I, 'if you wait till they're dead for
your fortin', it will be one while, I tell you, afore you pocket the
shiners. It's no joke waitin' for a dead man's shoes. Suppose an old
feller of eighty was to say, "When that 'ere young feller dies, I'm
to inherit his property," what would you think? Why, I guess you'd
think he was an old fool. No sir, if the English don't want their
timber we do want it all; we have used our'n up, we hain't got a
stick even to whittle. If the British don't offer we will, and St.
John, like a dear little weepin' widow, will dry up her tears, and
take to frolickin' agin and accept it right off.

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