The Clockmaker

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> The Clockmaker

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"Well, I was goin' to tell you about the soup; says the Major, 'It's
near about dinner time, jist come and see how you like the location.'
There was a sight of folks there, gentlemen and ladies in the public
room--I never seed so many afore except at commencement day--all
ready for a start, and when the gong sounded, off we sot like a flock
of sheep. Well, if there warn't a jam you may depend; some one give
me a pull, and I near abouts went heels up over head, so I reached
out both hands, and caught hold of the first thing I could, and what
should it be but a lady's dress--well, as I'm alive, rip went the
frock, and tear goes the petticoat, and when I righted myself from
my beam eends, away they all came home to me, and there she was, the
pretty critter, with all her upper riggin' standin' as far as her
waist, and nothin' left below but a short linen under-garment. If she
didn't scream, it's a pity, and the more she screamed the more folks
larfed, for no soul could help larfin', till one of the waiters
folded her up in a tablecloth.

"'What an awkward devil you be, Slick,' says the Major; 'now that
comes of not falling in first; they should have formed four deep,
rear rank in open order, and marched in to our splendid national air,
and filed off to their seats right and left shoulders forward. I feel
kinder sorry, too,' says he, 'for that 'ere young heifer; but she
showed a proper pretty leg tho' Slick, didn't she? I guess you don't
often get such a chance as that 'ere.' Well, I gets near the Major at
table, and afore me stood a china utensil with two handles, full of
soup, about the size of a foot-tub, with a large silver scoop in it,
near about as big as a ladle of a maple sugar kettle. I was jist
about bailing out some soup into my dish, when the Major said, 'Fish
it up from the bottom, Slick.' Well, sure enough, I gives it a drag
from the bottom, and up come the fat pieces of turtle, and the thick
rich soup, and a sight of little forced meat balls of the size of
sheep's dung. No soul could tell how good it was; it was near about
as handSUM as father's old genuine particular cider, and that you
could feel tingle clean away down to the tip eends of your toes.
'Now,' says the Major, 'I'll give you, Slick, a new wrinkle on your
horn. Folks ain't thought nothin' of unless they live at Treemont:
it's all the go. Do you dine at Peep's tavern every day, and then off
hot foot to Treemont, and pick your teeth on the street steps there,
and folks will think you dine there. I do it often, and it saves two
dollars a day.' Then he put his finger on his nose, and says he, 'Mum
is the word.'

"Now, this Province is jist like that 'ere soup--good enough at top,
but dip down and you have the riches, the coal, the iron ore, the
gypsum, and what not. As for Halifax, it's well enough in itself,
though no great shakes neither, a few sizeable houses, with a proper
sight of small ones, like half a dozen old hens with their broods of
young chickens; but the people, the strange critters, they are all
asleep. They walk in their sleep, and talk in their sleep, and what
they say one day they forget the next; they say they were dreaming.
You know where Governor Campbell lives, don't you, in a large stone
house with a great wall round it, that looks like a state prison;
well, near hand there is a nasty dirty horrid-lookin' buryin' ground
there; it's filled with large grave rats as big as kittens, and the
springs of black water there go through the chinks of the rocks and
flow into all the wells, and fairly pyson the folks; it's a dismal
place, I tell you; I wonder the air from it don't turn all the silver
in the Governor's house of a brass colour--and folks say he has four
cart loads of it--it's so everlastin' bad; it's near about as nosey
as a slave ship of niggers. Well you may go there and shake the folks
to all etarnity and you won't wake 'em, I guess, and yet there ain't
much difference atween their sleep and the folks at Halifax, only
they lie still there and are quiet, and don't walk and talk in their
sleep like them above ground.

"Halifax reminds me of a Russian officer I once seed at Warsaw; he
had lost both arms in battle--but I guess I must tell you first
why I went there, 'cause that will show you how we speculate. One
Sabbath day, after bell ringin', when most of the women had gone
to meetin'--for they were great hands for pretty sarmons, and our
Unitarian ministers all preach poetry, only they leave the rhyme
out; it sparkles like perry--I goes down to East India wharf to see
Captain Zeek Hancock, of Nantucket, to enquire how oil was, and if
it it would bear doin' anything in; when who should come along but
Jabish Green. 'Slick,' says he, 'how do you do; isn't this as pretty
a day as you'll see between this and Norfolk; it whips English
weather by a long chalk;' and then he looked down at my watch seals,
and looked and looked as if he thought I'd stole 'em. At last he
looks up, and says he, 'Slick, I suppose you wouldn't go to Warsaw,
would you, if it was made worth your while?' 'Which Warsaw?' says I,
for I believe in my heart we have a hundred of 'em. 'None of our'n
at all,' says he; 'Warsaw in Poland.' 'Well, I don't know,' says I;
'what do you call worth while?' 'Six dollars a day, expenses paid,
and a bonus of one thousand dollars, if speculation turns out well.'
'I am off,' says I, 'whenever you say go.' 'Tuesday,' says he, 'in
the Hamburg packet. Now,' says he, 'I'm in a tarnation hurry; I'm
goin' a-pleasurin' today in the Custom House Boat, along with Josiah
Bradford's gals down to Nahant. But I'll tell you what I am at: the
Emperor of Russia has ordered the Poles to cut off their queues on
the 1st of January; you must buy them all up, and ship them off to
London for the wig makers. Human hair is scarce and risin'. 'Lord a
massy!' says I, 'how queer they will look, won't they. Well, I vow,
that's what the sea folks call sailing under bare poles, come true,
ain't it?' 'I guess it will turn out a good spec,' says he; and a
good one it did turn out--he cleared ten thousand dollars by it.

"When I was at Warsaw, as I was a-sayin', there was a Russian officer
there who had lost both his arms in battle; a good-natured contented
critter, as I e'enamost ever seed, and he was fed with spoons by his
neighbours, but arter awhile they grew tired of it, and I guess he
near about starved to death at last. Now Halifax is like that 'ere
SPOONEY, as I used to call him; it is fed by the outports, and they
begin to have enough to do to feed themselves; it must larn to live
without 'em. They have no river, and no country about 'em; let them
make a railroad to Minas Basin, and they will have arms of their own
to feed themselves with. If they don't do it, and do it soon, I guess
they'll get into a decline that no human skill will cure. They are
proper thin now; you can count their ribs e'enamost as far as you can
see them. The only thing that will either make or save Halifax, is a
railroad across the country to Bay of Fundy.

"'It will do to talk of,' says one. 'You'll see it some day,' says
another. 'Yes,' says a third, 'it will come, but we are too young
yet.'

"Our old minister had a darter, a real clever-lookin' gal as you'd
see in a day's ride, and she had two or three offers of marriage from
'sponsible men--most particular good specs--but minister always said,
'Phoebe, you are too young--the day will come--but you are too young
yet dear.' Well, Phoebe didn't think so at all; she said she guessed
she knew better nor that: so the next offer she had, she said she had
no notion to lose another chance--off she shot to Rhode Island and
got married. Says she, 'Father's too old, he don't know.' That's jist
the case at Halifax. The old folks say the country is too young, the
time will come, and so on; and in the meantime the young folks won't
wait, and run off to the States, where the maxim is, 'Youth is the
time for improvement; a new country is never too young for exertion;
push on--keep movin--go ahead.'

"Darn it all," said the Clockmaker, rising with great animation,
clinching his fist, and extending his arm, "darn it all, it
fairly makes my dander rise, to see the nasty idle, loungin'
good-for-nothin', do-little critters; they ain't fit to tend a
bear-trap, I vow. They ought to be quilted round and round a room,
like a lady's lap-dog, the matter of two hours a day, to keep them
from dyin' of apoplexy."

"Hush, hush!" said I, "Mr. Slick, you forget."

"Well," said he, resuming his usual composure, "well, it's enough to
make one vexed though, I declare--isn't it?"

Mr. Slick has often alluded to this subject, and always in a most
decided manner. I am inclined to think he is right. Mr. Howe's papers
on the railroad I read till I came to his calculations, but I never
could read figures, "I can't cipher," and there I paused; it was a
barrier: I retreated a few paces, took a running leap, and cleared
the whole of them. Mr. Slick says he has UNDER and not OVER rated its
advantages. He appears to be such a shrewd, observing, intelligent
man, and so perfectly at home on these subjects, that I confess I
have more faith in this humble but eccentric Clockmaker, than in any
other man I have met with in this Province. I therefore pronounce
"there will be a railroad."

No. XIV

Sayings and Doings in Cumberland.

"I reckon," said the Clockmaker, as we strolled through Amherst, "you
have read Hook's story of the boy that one day asked one of his
father's guests who his next door neighbour was, and when he heerd
his name, asked him if he warn't a fool. 'No, my little feller,' said
he, 'he bean't a fool, he is a most particular sensible man; but why
did you ax that 'ere question?' 'Why,' said the little boy, 'mother
said t'other day you were next door to a fool, and I wanted to know
who lived next door to you.' His mother felt pretty ugly, I guess,
when she heerd him run right slap on that 'ere breaker.

"Now these Cumberland folks have curious next door neighbours, too;
they are placed by their location right atwixt fire and water; they
have New Brunswick politics on one side, and Nova Scotia politics
on t'other side of them, and Bay Fundy and Bay Varte on t'other two
sides; they are actilly in hot water; they are up to their cruppers
in politics, and great hands for talking of House of Assembly,
political Unions, and what not. Like all folks who wade so deep, they
can't always tell the natur' of the ford. Sometimes they strike their
shins agin a snag of a rock; at other times they go whap into a
quicksand, and if they don't take special care they are apt to go
souse over head and ears into deep water. I guess if they'd talk more
of ROTATION, and less of ELECTIONS, more of them 'ere DYKES, and less
of BANKS, and attend more to TOP-DRESSING, and less to RE-DRESSING,
it'd be better for 'em."

"Now you mention the subject, I think I have observed," said I, "that
there is a great change in your countrymen in that respect. Formerly,
whenever you met an American, you had a dish of politics set before
you, whether you had an appetite for it or not; but lately I have
remarked they seldom allude to it. Pray to what is this
attributable?"

"I guess," said he, "they have enough of it to home, and are sick
of the subject. They are cured the way our pastry cooks cure their
'prentices of stealing sweet notions out of their shops. When they
get a new 'prentice they tell him he must never so much as look at
all them 'ere nice things; and if he dares to lay the weight of his
finger upon one on 'em, they'll have him up for it before a justice;
they tell him it's every bit and grain as bad as stealing from a
till. Well, that's sure to set him at it, just as a high fence does a
breachy ox, first to look over it, and then to push it down with its
rump; it's human natur'. Well, the boy eats and eats till he can't eat
no longer, and then he gets sick at his stomach, and hates the very
sight of sweetmeats arterwards.

"We've had politics with us, till we're dog sick of 'em, I tell you.
Besides, I guess we are as far from perfection as when we set out
a-rowin' for it. You may get purity of Election, but how are you to
get purity of Members? It would take a great deal of ciphering to
tell that. I never seed it yet, and never heerd tell of one who had
seed it.

"The best member I e'enamost ever seed was John Adams. Well, John
Adams could no more plough a straight furrow in politics than he
could haul the plough himself. He might set out straight at beginnin'
for a little way, but he was sure to get crooked afore he got to the
eend of the ridge--and sometimes he would have two or three crooks in
it. I used to say to him, 'How on airth is it, Mr. Adams'--for he was
no way proud like, though he was president of our great nation, and
it is allowed to be the greatest nation in the world, too; for you
might see him sometimes of an arternoon, a-swimmin' along with the
boys in the Potomac; I do believe that's the way he larned to give
the folks the dodge so spry--well, I used to say to him, 'How on
airth is it, Mr. Adams, you can't make straight work on it?' He was a
grand hand at an excuse, though minister used to say that folks that
were good at an excuse, were seldom good for nothin' else; sometimes
he said the ground was so tarnation stony, it throwed the plough out;
at other times he said the off ox was such an ugly wilful-tempered
critter, there was no doin' nothin' with him; or that there was so
much machinery about the plough, it made it plagy hard to steer; or
maybe it was the fault of them that went afore him, that they laid it
down so bad; unless he was hired for another term of four years, the
work wouldn't look well; and if all them 'ere excuses wouldn't do,
why he would take to scolding the nigger that drove the team, throw
all the blame on him, and order him to have an everlastin' lacin'
with the cowskin. You might as well catch a weasel asleep as catch
him. He had somethin' the matter with one eye; well, he knew I know'd
that when I was a boy; so one day, a feller presented a petition to
him, and he told him it was very affectin'. Says he, 'it fairly draws
tears from me,' and his weak eye took to lettin' off its water like
statiee so as soon as the chap went, he winks to me with t'other one,
quite knowin', as much as to say, 'You see it's all in my eye, Slick,
but don't let on to any one about it, that I said so.' That eye was a
regular cheat, a complete New England wooden nutmeg. Folks said Mr.
Adams was a very tender-hearted man. Perhaps he was, but I guess that
eye didn't pump its water out o' that place.

"Members in general ain't to be depended on, I tell you. Politics
makes a man as crooked as a pack does a peddler; not that they are so
awful heavy, neither, but it TEACHES A MAN TO STOOP IN THE LONG RUN.
Arter all, there's not that difference in 'em--at least there ain't
in Congress--one would think; for if one on 'em is clear of one
vice, why, as like as not, he has another fault just as bad. An
honest farmer, like one of these Cumberland folks, when he goes
to choose atwixt two that offers for votes, is jist like the
flying-fish. That 'ere little critter is not content to stay to home
in the water, and mind its business, but he must try his hand at
flyin', and he is no great dab at flyin', neither. Well, the moment
he's out of water, and takes to flyin', the sea fowl are arter him,
and let him have it; and if he has the good luck to escape them, and
makes a dive into the sea, the dolphin, as like as not, has a dig at
him, that knocks more wind out of him than he got while aping the
birds, a plagy sight. I guess the Bluenose knows jist about as much
about politics as this foolish fish knows about flyin'. All the
critters in natur' are better in their own element.

"It beats cock-fightin', I tell you, to hear the Bluenoses, when
they get together, talk politics. They have got three or four evil
spirits, like the Irish Banshees, that they say cause all the
mischief in the province: the council, the banks, the house of
assembly and the lawyers. If a man places a higher valiation on
himself than his neighbours do, and wants to be a magistrate before
he is fit to carry the ink horn for one, and finds himself safely
delivered of a mistake, he says it is all owing to the Council. The
members are cunnin' critters, too; they know this feelin', and when
they come home from Assembly, and people ax 'em, 'where are all them
'ere fine things you promised us?' 'Why,' they say, 'we'd a had 'em
all for you, but for that etarnal Council, they nullified all we
did.' The country will come to no good till them chaps show their
respect for it, by covering their bottoms with homespun. If a man is
so tarnation lazy he won't work, and in course has no money, why he
says it's all owin' to the banks, they won't discount, there's no
money, they've ruined the Province. If there bean't a road made up to
every citizen's door, away back to the woods--who as like as not has
squatted there--why he says the House of Assembly have voted all the
money to pay great men's salaries, and there's nothin' left for poor
settlers, and cross roads. Well, the lawyers come in for their share
of cake and ale, too; if they don't catch it, it's a pity.

"There was one Jim Munroe of Onion County, Connecticut, a desperate
idle fellow, a great hand at singin' songs, a-skatin', drivin' about
with the gals, and so on. Well, if anybody's windows were broke, it
was Jim Munroe, if any man's horse lost a tail, or anybody's dog got
a kettle tied on to his'n, it was Jim Munroe, and if there were any
youngsters in want of a father, they were sure to be poor Jim's. Jist
so it is with the lawyers here; they stand Godfathers for every
misfortune that happens in the country. When there is a mad dog
a-goin' about, every dog that barks is said to be bit by the mad one,
so he gets credit for all the mischief that every dog does for three
months to come. So every feller that goes yelpin' home from a court
house, smartin' from the law, swears he is bit by a lawyer. Now there
may be something wrong in all these things--and it can't be otherwise
in natur'--in council, banks, house of assembly, and lawyers: but
change them all, and it's an even chance if you don't get worse ones
in their room. It is in politics as in horses; when a man has a beast
that's near about up to the notch, he'd better not swap him; if he
does, he's e'enamost sure to get one not so good as his own. My rule
is, I'd rather keep a critter whose faults I do know, than change him
for a beast whose faults I don't know."

No. XV

The Dancing Master Abroad.

"I wish that 'ere black heifer in the kitchen would give over singing
that 'ere everlastin' dismal tune," said the Clockmaker, "it makes my
head ache. You've heerd a song afore now," said he, "havn't you, till
you was fairly sick of it? for I have, I vow. The last time I was
in Rhode Island--all the gals sing there, and it's generally allowed
there's no such singers anywhere; they beat the EYE-talians a long
chalk; they sing so high some on 'em, they go clear out o' hearin'
sometimes, like a lark--well, you heerd nothin' but 'Oh no, we never
mention her;' well, I grew so plaguy tired of it, I used to say to
myself, I'd sooner see it, than heer tell of it, I vow; I wish to
gracious you would 'never mention her,' for it makes me feel ugly
to hear that same thing for ever and ever and amen that way. Well,
they've got a cant phrase here, 'the schoolmaster is abroad,' and
every feller tells you that fifty times a day.

"There was a chap said to me not long ago, at Truro, 'Mr. Slick, this
Country is rapidly improving, "the schoolmaster is abroad now,"' and
he looked as knowin' as though he had found a mate's nest. 'So I
should think,' said I, 'and it would be jist about as well, I guess,
if he'd stay to home and mind his business, for your folks are so
consoomedly ignorant, I reckon he's abroad e'enamost all his time. I
hope when he returns, he'll be the better of his travels, and that's
more nor many of our young folks are who go "abroad," for they import
more airs and nonsense than they dispose of one while, I tell you;
some of the stock remains on hand all the rest of their lives.'
There's nothin' I hate so much as cant, of all kinds, it's a sure
sign of a tricky disposition. If you see a feller cant in religion,
clap your hand into your pocket, and lay right hold of your puss,
or he'll steal it as sure as you're alive; and if a man cant in
politics, he'll sell you if he gets a chance, you may depend. Law
and physic are jist the same, and every mite and morsel as bad. If
a lawyer takes to cantin', it's like the fox preachin' to the geese,
he'll eat up his whole congregation; and if a doctor takes to it,
he's a quack as sure as rates. The Lord have massy on you, for he
won't. I'd sooner trust my chance with a naked hook any time, than
one that's half covered with bad bait. The fish will sometimes
swaller the one, without thinkin', but they get frightened at
t'other, turn tail and off like a shot.

"Now, to change the tune, I'll give the Bluenoses a new phrase.
They'll have an election most likely next year, and then 'the dancin'
master will be abroad.' A candidate is a most particular polite man,
a-noddin' here, and a-bowin' there, and a-shakin' hands all round.
Nothin' improves a man's manners like an election. 'The dancin'
master's abroad then;' nothin' gives the paces equal to that, it
makes them as squirmy as an eel, they cross hands and back agin, set
to their partners and right and left in great style, and slick it off
at the eend, with a real complete bow, and a smile for all the world
as sweet as a cat makes at a pan of new milk. Then they get as full
of compliments as a dog is full of fleas--enquirin' how the old lady
is to home, and the little boy that made such a wonderful smart
answer, they never can forget it till next time; a-praisin' a man's
farm to the nines, and a-tellin' of him, how scandalous the road that
leads to his location has been neglected, and how much he wants to
find a real complete hand that can build a bridge over his brook, and
axin' him if HE ever built one. When he gets the hook baited with the
right fly, and the simple critter begins to jump out of water arter
it, all mouth and gills, he winds up the reel, and takes leave,
a-thinkin' to himself 'Now you see what's to the eend of my line, I
guess I'll know where to find you when I want you.'

"There's no sort of fishin' requires so much practice as this. When
bait is scarce one worm must answer for several fish. A handful of
oats in a pan, arter it brings one horse up in a pastur' for the
bridle, serves for another, a-shakin' of it, is better than a-givin'
of it, it saves the grain for another time. It's a poor business
arter all, is electioneering, and when 'the Dancin' Master is
abroad,' he's as apt to teach a man to cut capers and get larfed at
as anything else. It ain't every one that's soople enough to dance
real complete. Politics take a great deal of time, and grind away a
man's honesty near about as fast as cleaning a knife with brick dust,
'it takes its steel out.' What does a critter get arter all for it
in this country, why nothin' but expense and disappointment. As King
Solomon says--and that 'ere man was up to a thing or two, you may
depend, though our professor did say he warn't so knowin' as Uncle
Sam--it's all vanity and vexation of spirit.

"I raised a four-year-old colt once, half blood, a perfect pictur' of
a horse, and a genuine clipper, could gallop like the wind; a real
daisy, a perfect doll; had an eye like a weasel, and nostril like
Commodore Rodgers' speakin' trumpet. Well, I took it down to the
races at New York, and father he went along with me; for says he,
'Sam, you don't know everything, I guess, you hain't cut your wisdom
teeth yet, and you are goin' among them that's had 'em through their
gums this while past.' Well, when we gets to the races, father he
gets colt and puts him in an old wagon, with a worn out Dutch
harness, and breast band; he looked like Old Nick, that's a fact.
Then he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the girths
atwixt his fore legs. Says I, 'Father, what on airth are you at? I
vow I feel ashamed to be seen with such a catamaran as that, and colt
looks like old Satan himself--no soul would know him.' 'I guess I
warn't born yesterday, Sam,' says he, 'let me be, I know what I am at.
I guess I'll slip it into 'em afore I've done as slick as a whistle.
I guess I can see as far into a millstone as the best on 'em.'

"Well, father never entered the horse at all, but stood by and seed
the races, and the winnin' horse was followed about by the matter of
two or three thousand people, a-praisin' of him and admirin' him.
They seemed as if they never had seed a horse afore. The owner of him
was all up on eend a-boastin' of him, and a-stumpin' the course to
produce a horse to run agin him for four hundred dollars. Father goes
up to him, lookin' as soft as dough, and as meechin' as you please,
and says he, 'Friend, it ain't every one that has four hundred
dollars; it's a plaguy sight of money, I tell you; would you run for
one hundred dollars, and give me a little start? If you would, I'd
try my colt out of my old wagon agin you, I vow.' 'Let's look at your
horse,' says he; so away they went, and a proper sight of people
arter them to look at colt, and when they seed him they sot up such a
larf, I felt e'enamost ready to cry for spite. Says I to myself;
'What can possess the old man to act arter that fashion, I do believe
he has taken leave of his senses.' 'You needn't larf,' says Father,
'he's smarter than he looks; our Minister's old horse, Captain Jack,
is reckoned as quick a beast of his age as any in our location, and
that 'ere colt can beat him for a lick of a quarter of a mile quite
easy; I seed it myself.' Well, they larfed agin louder than before,
and says father, 'If you dispute my word, try me; what odds will you
give?' 'Two to one,' says the owner, 'eight hundred to four hundred
dollars.' 'Well, that's a great deal of money, ain't it,' says
father, 'if I was to lose it I'd look pretty foolish, wouldn't I.
How folks would pass their jokes at me when I went home again. You
wouldn't take that 'ere wagon and harness for fifty dollars of it,
would you?' says he. 'Well,' says the other, 'sooner than disappoint
you, as you seem to have set your mind on losing your money, I don't
care if I do.'

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