The Clockmaker

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> The Clockmaker

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"Well, Nabb, the constable, had a writ agin him, and he was ciphering
a good while how he should catch him; at last he hit on a plan that
he thought was pretty clever, and he scheemed for a chance to try it.
So one day he heerd that Bill was up at Pugnose's inn, a-settling
some business, and was likely to be there all night. Nabb waits till
it was considerable late in the evening, and then he takes his horse
and rides down to the inn, and hitches his beast behind the hay
stack. Then he crawls up to the window and peeps in, and watches
there till Bill should go to bed, thinking the best way to catch them
'ere sort of animals is to catch them asleep. Well, he kept Nabb
a-waiting outside so long, with his talking and singing, that he well
nigh fell asleep fist himself; at last Bill began to strip for bed.
First he takes out a long pocket pistol, examines the priming, and
lays it down on the table, near the head of the bed.

"When Nabb sees this, he begins to creep like all over, and feel
kinder ugly, and rather sick of his job; but when he seed him jump
into bed, and heerd him snore out a noise like a man driving pigs to
market, he plucked up courage, and thought he might do it easy arter
all if he was to open the door softly, and make one spring on him
afore he could wake. So round he goes, lifts up the latch of his door
as soft as soap, and makes a jump right atop of him, as he lay in the
bed. 'I guess I got you this time,' said Nabb. 'I guess so too,' said
Bill, 'but I wish you wouldn't lay so plaguy heavy on me; jist turn
over, that's a good fellow, will you?' With that Bill lays his arm
on him to raise him up, for he said he was squeezed as flat as a
pancake, and afore Nabb knew where he was, Bill rolled him right over
and was atop of him. Then he seized him by the throat, and twisted
his pipe till his eyes were as big as saucers, and his tongue grew
six inches longer, while he kept making faces for all the world like
the pirate that was hanged on Monument Hill at Boston. It was pretty
near over with him, when Nabb thought of his spurs; so he just curled
up both heels, and drove the spurs right into him; he let him have it
jist below his crupper. As Bill was naked he had a fair chance, and
he ragged him like the leaf of a book cut open with your finger. At
last, Bill could stand it no longer; he let go his hold and roared
like a bull, and clapping both hands ahind him, he out of the door
like a shot. If it hadn't been for them 'ere spurs, I guess Bill
would have saved the hangman a job of Nabb that time."

The Clockmaker was an observing man, and equally communicative.
Nothing escaped his notice; he knew everybody's genealogy, history
and means, and like a driver of an English stage-coach, was not
unwilling to impart what he knew. "Do you see that snug-looking
house there," said he, "with a short sarce garden afore it, that
belongs to Elder Thomson. The Elder is pretty close-fisted, and holds
special fast to all he gets. He is a just man and very pious, but
I have observed when a man becomes near about too good, he is apt,
sometimes, to slip ahead into avarice, unless he looks sharp arter
his girths. A friend of mine in Connecticut, an old sea Captain, who
was once let in for it pretty deep, by a man with a broader brim than
common, he said to me, 'Friend Sam, I don't like those folks who are
too damned good.' There is, I expect, some truth in it, tho' he
needn't have swore at all, but he was an awful hand to swear.
Howsomever that may be, there is a story about the Elder, that's not
so coarse neither.

"It appears an old Minister came there once, to hold a meetin' at his
house--well, after meetin' was over, the Elder took the minister all
over his farm, which is pretty tidy, I tell you; and he showed him
a great Ox he had, and a swingeing big Pig, that weighed some six
or seven hundred weight, that he was plaguy proud of, but he never
offered the old minister anything to eat or drink. The preacher was
pretty tired of all this, and seeing no prospect of being asked to
partake with the family, and tolerably sharp set, he asked one of the
boys to fetch him his horse out of the barn. When he was taking leave
of the Elder (there were several folks by at the time), says he,
'Elder Thomson, you have a fine farm here, a very fine farm, indeed;
you have a large Ox too, a very large Ox; and I think,' said he,
'I've seen today' (turning and looking him full in the face, for
he intended to hit him pretty hard) 'I think I have seen today the
greatest hog I ever saw in my life.' The neighbours snickered a good
deal, and the Elder felt pretty streaked. I guess he'd give his
great Pig or his great Ox either, if that story hadn't got wind."

No. VII

Go Ahead.

When we resumed our conversation, the Clockmaker said, "I guess
we are the greatest nation on the face of the airth, and the most
enlightened too."

This was rather too arrogant to pass unnoticed, and I was about
replying, that whatever doubts there might be on that subject, there
could be none whatever that they were the most modest, when he
continued "we 'go ahead'; the Nova Scotians 'go astarn.' Our ships go
ahead of the ships of other folks, our steamboats beat the British in
speed, and so do our stage coaches; and I reckon a real right down
New York trotter might stump the univarse for going ahead. But since
we introduced the railroads if we don't go ahead it's a pity. We
never fairly knew what going the whole hog was till then; we actilly
went ahead of ourselves, and that's no easy matter I tell you. If
they only had edication here, they might learn to do so too, but
they don't know nothin'."

"You undervalue them," said I; "they have their College and
Academies, their grammar schools and primary institutions, and I
believe there are few among them who cannot read and write."

"I guess all that's nothin'," said he. "As for Latin and Greek, we
don't vally it a cent; we teach it, and so we do painting and music,
because the English do, and we like to go ahead on 'em, even in
them 'ere things. As for reading, it's well enough for them that
has nothing to do, and writing is plaguy apt to bring a man to
states-prison, particularly if he writes his name so like another man
as to have it mistaken for his'n. Cyphering is the thing--if a man
knows how to cipher, he is sure to grow rich. We are a 'calculating'
people, we all cipher.

"A horse that won't go ahead, is apt to run back, and the more you
whip him the faster he goes astarn. That's jist the way with the Nova
Scotians; they have been running back so fast lately, that they have
tumbled over a bank or two, and nearly broke their necks; and now
they've got up and shook themselves, they swear their dirty clothes
and bloody noses are all owing to the banks. I guess if they won't
look ahead for the future, they'll larn to look behind, and see if
there's a bank near hand 'em.

"A bear always goes down a tree starn foremost. He is a cunning
critter; he knows 'tain't safe to carry a heavy load over his head,
and his rump is so heavy, he don't like to trust it over his'n, for
fear it might take a lurch, and carry him heels over head, to the
ground; so he lets his starn down first, and his head arter. I wish
the Bluenoses would find as good an excuse in their rumps for running
backwards as he has. But the bear 'ciphers;' he knows how many pounds
his hams weigh, and he 'calculates' if he carried them up in the air,
they might be top heavy for him.

"If we had this Province we'd go to work and 'cipher' right off.
Halifax is nothing without a river or back country; add nothing to
nothing, and I guess you have nothing still--add a railroad to the
Bay of Fundy, and how much do you git? That requires ciphering--it
will cost three hundred thousand dollars or seventy-five thousand
pounds your money--add for notions omitted in the addition column,
one third, and it makes even money--one hundred thousand pounds.
Interest at five per cent, five thousand pounds a year. Now turn over
the slate and count up freight. I make it upwards of twenty-five
thousand pounds a year. If I had you at the desk, I'd show you a bill
of items.

"Now comes 'subtraction'; deduct cost of engines, wear and tear, and
expenses, and what not, and reduce it for shortness down to five
thousand pounds a year, the amount of interest. What figures have you
got now? You have an investment that pays interest, I guess, and if
it don't pay more then I don't know chalk from cheese. But suppose
it don't, and that it only yields two and a half per cent (and it
requires good ciphering, I tell you, to say how it would act with
folks that like going astarn better than going ahead), what would them
'ere wise ones say then? Why the foolish critters would say it won't
pay; but I say the sum ain't half stated. Can you count in your head?"

"Not to any extent," said I.

"Well, that's an etarnal pity," said the Clockmaker, "for I should
like to show you Yankee Cyphering. What is the entire real estate of
Halifax worth, at a valeation?"

"I really cannot say."

"Ah," said he, "I see you don't cipher, and Latin and Greek won't do;
them 'ere people had no railroad. Well, find out, and then only add
ten per cent to it, for increased value, and if it don't give the
cost of a railroad, then my name is not Sam Slick. Well, the land
between Halifax and Ardoise is worth--nothing; add five per cent to
that, and send the sum to the College, and ax the students how much
it comes to. But when you get into Hants County, I guess you have
land worth coming all the way from Boston to see. His Royal Highness
the King, I guess, hasn't got the like in his dominions. Well, add
fifteen per cent to all them 'ere lands that border on Windsor Basin,
and five per cent to what 'buts on basin of Mines, and then, what do
you get? A pretty considerable sum I tell you--but it's no use to give
you the CHALKS, if you can't keep the TALLIES.

"Now we will lay down the schoolmaster's assistant, and take up
another book every bit and grain as good as that, although these
folks affect to sneer at it--I mean human natur'."

"Ah!" said I, "a knowledge of that was of great service to you,
certainly, in the sale of your clock to the old Deacon; let us see
how it will assist you now."

"What does a clock want that's run down?" said he.

"Undoubtedly to be wound up," I replied.

"I guess you've hit it this time. The folks of Halifax have run down,
and they'll never go to all eternity, till they are wound up into
motion; the works are all good, and it is plaguy well cased and
set--it only wants a key. Put this railroad into operation, and the
activity it will inspire into business, the new life it will give the
place, will surprise you. It's like lifting a child off his crawling,
and putting him on his legs to run--see how the little critter goes
ahead arter that. A kurnel (I don't mean a Kurnel of militia, for we
don't vally that breed o' cattle nothing--they do nothing but strut
about and screech all day, like peacocks), but a kurnel of grain,
when sowed, will stool into several shoots, and each shoot hear many
kurnels, and will multiply itself thus--four times one is four, and
four times twenty-five is one hundred (you see all natur' ciphers,
except the Bluenoses). Jist so, this 'ere railroad will not, perhaps,
beget other railroads, but it will beget a spirit of enterprise, that
will beget other useful improvements. It will enlarge the sphere and
the means of trade, open new sources of traffic and supply--develop
resources--and what is of more value perhaps than all--beget motion.
It will stool out and bear abundantly; it will teach the folks that
go astarn or stand stock still, like the statehouse in Boston (though
they do say the foundation of that has moved a little this summer),
not only to 'go ahead,' but to nullify time and space."

Here his horse (who, feeling the animation of his master, had been
restive of late) set off at a most prodigious rate of trotting. It
was some time before he was reined up. When I overtook him, the
Clockmaker said, "this old Yankee horse, you see, understands our
word 'go ahead' better nor these Bluenoses."

"What is it," he continued, "what is it that 'fetters' the heels of a
young country, and hangs like 'a poke' around its neck? What retards
the cultivation of its soil, and the improvement of its fisheries?
The high price of labour, I guess. Well, what's a railroad? The
substitution of mechanical for human and animal labour, on a scale as
grand as our great country. Labour is dear in America, and cheap in
Europe. A railroad, therefore, is comparatively no manner of use
to them, to what it is to us; it does wonders there, but it works
miracles here. There it makes the old man younger, but here it makes
a child a giant. To us it is river, bridge, road and canal, all in
one. It saves what we hain't got to spare, men, horses, carts,
vessels, barges, and what's all in all--time.

"Since the creation of the Universe, I guess it's the greatest
invention, arter man. Now this is what I call 'ciphering' arter human
natur', while figures are ciphering arter the 'assistant.' These two
sorts of ciphering make edecation--and you may depend on't, Squire,
there is nothing like folks ciphering, if they want to 'go ahead.'"

No. VIII

The Preacher that Wandered from His Text.

"I guess," said the Clockmaker, "we know more of Nova Scotia than
the Bluenoses themselves do. The Yankees see further ahead than most
folks; they can e'enamost see round t'other side of a thing; indeed
some of them have hurt their eyes by it, and sometimes I think that's
the reason such a sight of them wear spectacles. The first I ever
heerd tell of Cumberland was from Mr. Everett of Congress; he know'd
as much about it as if he had lived here all his days, and maybe a
little grain more. He is a splendid man that--we class him No. 1,
letter A. One night I chanced to go into General Peep's tavern
at Boston, and who should I see there but the great Mr. Everett,
a-studying over a map of the Province of Nova Scotia. 'Why it ain't
possible!' said I; 'if that ain't Professor Everett, as I am alive!
Why, how do you do, Professor?' 'Pretty well, I give you thanks,' said
he; 'how be you? but I ain't no longer Professor; I gin that up, and
also the trade of preaching, and took to politics.' 'You don't say
so,' said I; 'why, what on airth is the cause o' that?' 'Why,' says
he, 'look here, Mr. Slick. What IS the use of reading the Proverbs of
Solomon to our free and enlightened citizens, that are every mite and
morsel as wise as he was? That 'ere man undertook to say there was
nothing new under the sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little too
fast, if he was to see our steamboats, railroads, and India rubber
shoes--three inventions worth more nor all he knew put in a heap
together.' 'Well, I don't know,' said I, 'but somehow or another, I
guess you'd have found preaching the best speculation in the long
run; them 'ere Unitarians pay better than Uncle Sam.' (We call," said
the Clockmaker, "the American public Uncle Sam, as you call the
British John Bull.)

"That remark seemed to grig him a little; he felt oneasy like, and
walked twice across the room, fifty fathoms deep in thought; at last
he said, 'Which way are you from, Mr. Slick, this hitch?' 'Why,' says
I, 'I've run away up South a-speculating in nutmegs.' 'I hope,' says
the Professor, 'they were a good article, the real right down genuine
thing.' 'No mistake,' says I, 'no mistake, Professor: they were all
prime, first chop; but why did you ax that 'ere question?' 'Why,'
says he, 'that eternal scoundrel, that Captain John Allspice of
Nahant, he used to trade to Charleston, and he carried a cargo once
there of fifty barrels of nutmegs: well, he put half a bushel of
good ones into each eend of the barrel, and the rest he filled up
with wooden ones, so like the real thing, no soul could tell the
difference until HE BIT ONE WITH HIS TEETH, and that he never thought
of doing, until he was first BIT HIMSELF. Well, it's been a standing
joke with them southerners agin us ever since.

"'It was only t'other day at Washington, that everlasting Virginny
duellist, General Cuffy, afore a number of senators, at the
President's house, said to me, "Well Everett," says he, "you know I
was always dead agin your Tariff bill, but I have changed my mind
since your able speech on it; I shall vote for it now." "Give me your
hand," says I, "General Cuffy; the Boston folks will be dreadful glad
when they hear your splendid talents are on our side. I think it will
go now--we'll carry it." "Yes," says he, "your factories down east
beat all natur'; they go ahead on the English a long chalk." You may
depend I was glad to hear the New Englanders spoken of that way; I
felt proud, I tell you. "And," says he, "there's one manufacture that
might stump all Europe to produce the like." "What's that?" says I,
looking as pleased all the time as a gal that's tickled. "Why," says
he, "the 'facture of wooden nutmegs; that's a cap sheef that bangs
the bush--it's a real Yankee patent invention." With that all the
gentlemen set up a laugh, you might have heerd away down to Sandy
Hook, and the Gineral gig-gobbled like a great turkey-cock--the half
nigger, half alligator-like looking villain as he is. I tell you
what, Mr. Slick,' said the Professor, 'I wish with all my heart them
'ere damned nutmegs were in the bottom of the sea.' That was the
first oath I ever heerd him let slip: but he was dreadful riled, and
it made me feel ugly too, for it's awful to hear a minister swear;
and the only match I know for it, is to hear a regular sneezer of a
sinner quote Scripture. Says I, 'Mr. Everett, that's the fruit that
politics bears; for my part I never seed a good graft on it yet, that
bore anything good to eat, or easy to digest.'

"Well, he stood awhile looking down on the carpet, with his hands
behind him, quite taken up a-ciphering in his head, and then he
straightened himself up, and he put his hand upon his heart, just as
he used to do in the pulpit (he looked pretty I tell you), and slowly
lifting his hand off his breast, he said, 'Mr. Slick, our tree of
liberty was a beautiful tree--a splendid tree--it was a sight to look
at; it was well fenced and well protected, and it grew so stately and
so handsome, that strangers came from all parts of the globe to see
it. They all allowed it was the most splendid thing in the world.
Well, the mobs have broke in and tore down the fences, and snapped
off the branches, and scattered all the leaves about, and it looks
no better than a gallows tree. I am afeared,' said he, 'I tremble
to think on it, but I am afeared our ways will no longer be ways of
pleasantness, nor our paths, paths of peace; I am, indeed, I vow, Mr.
Slick.' He looked so streaked and so chop-fallen, that I felt kinder
sorry for him; I actilly thought he'd a boo-hoo'd right out.

"So, to turn the conversation, says I, 'Professor, what 'ere great
map is that I seed you a-studyin' over when I came in?' Says he,
'it's a map of Nova Scotia. That,' says he, 'is a valuable province,
a real clever province; we hain't got the like on it, but it's most
plagily in our way.' 'Well,' says I, 'send for Sam Patch' (that 'ere
man was a great diver," says the Clockmaker, "and the last dive he
took was off the falls of Niagara, and he was never heerd of agin
till t'other day, when Captain Enoch Wentworth, of the Susy Ann
whaler saw him in the South Sea. 'Why,' says Captain Enoch to him,
'why Sam,' says he, 'how on airth did you get here? I thought you was
drowned at the Canadian lines.' 'Why,' says he, 'I didn't get ON
airth here at all, but I came right slap THROUGH it. In that 'ere
Niagara dive, I went so everlasting deep, I thought it was just as
short to come up t'other side, so out I came in those parts. If I
don't take the shine off the Sea Serpent, when I get back to Boston,
then my name's not Sam Patch'.) 'Well,' says I, 'Professor, send for
Sam Patch, the diver, and let him dive down and stick a torpedo in
the bottom of the Province and blow it up; or if that won't do, send
for some of our steam towboats from our great Eastern cities, and tow
it out to sea; you know there's nothing our folks can't do, when they
once fairly take hold on a thing in airnest.'

"Well, that made him laugh; he seemed to forget about the nutmegs,
and says he, 'That's a bright scheme, but it won't do; we shall want
the Province some day, and I guess we'll buy it of King William; they
say he is over head and ears in debt, and owes nine hundred millions
of pounds starling--we'll buy it, as we did Florida. In the meantime
we must have a canal from Bay Fundy to Bay Varte, right through
Cumberland neck, by Shittyack, for our fishing vessels to go to
Labradore.' 'I guess you must ax leave first,' said I. 'That's jist
what I was ciphering at,' says he, 'when you came in. I believe we
won't ax them at all, but jist fall to and do it; IT'S A ROAD OF
NEEDCESSITY. I once heard Chief Justice Marshall of Baltimore say;
"If the people's highway is dangerous, a man may take down a fence
and pass through the fields as a way of NEEDCESSITY;" and we shall do
it on that principle, as the way round by Isle Sable is dangerous. I
wonder the Nova Scotians don't do it for their own convenience.' Said
I, 'it wouldn't make a bad speculation that.' 'The critters don't
know no better,' said he. 'Well,' says I, 'the St. John's folks, why
don't they? for they are pretty cute chaps them.'

"'They remind me,' says the Professor, 'of Jim Billings. You knew
Jim Billings, didn't you, Mr. Slick?' 'Oh yes,' said I, 'I knew him.
It was he that made such a talk by shipping blankets to the West
Indies.' 'The same,' says he. 'Well, I went to see him the other day
at Mrs. Lecain's boarding-house, and says I, "Billings, you have a
nice location here." "A plaguy sight too nice," said he. "Marm Lecain
makes such an etarnal touss about her carpets, that I have to go
along that everlasting long entry, and down both staircases, to the
street door to spit; and it keeps all the gentlemen a-running with
their mouths full all day. I had a real bout with a New Yorker this
morning. I run down to the street door, and afore I seed anybody
a-coming, I let go, and I vow if I didn't let a chap have it all over
his white waistcoat. Well, he makes a grab at me, and I shuts the
door right to on his wrist, and hooks the door chain taught and
leaves him there, and into Marm Lecain's bedroom like a shot, and
hides behind the curtain. Well, he roared like a bull, till black
Lucretia, one of the house-helps, let him go, and they looked into
all the gentlemen's rooms and found nobody; so I got out of that 'ere
scrape. So, what with Marm Lecain's carpets in the house, and other
folks' waistcoats in the street, it's too nice a location for me, I
guess, so I shall up killock and off tomorrow to the TREE-mont."

"'Now,' says the Professor, 'the St. John's folks are jist like
Billings, fifty cents would have bought him a spit box, and saved him
all them 'ere journeys to the street door--and a canal at Bay Varte
would save the St. John's folks a voyage all round Nova Scotia. Why,
they can't get at their own backside settlements, without a voyage
most as long as one to Europe. If we had that 'ere neck of land in
Cumberland, we'd have a ship canal there, and a town at each end of
it as big as Portland. You may talk of Solomon,' said the Professor,
'but if Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like a lily of the
field, neither was he in all his wisdom, equal in knowledge to a real
free American citizen.' 'Well,' said I, 'Professor, we are a most
enlightened people, that's sartain, but somehow I don't like to hear
you run down King Solomon neither; perhaps he warn't quite so wise
as Uncle Sam, but then,' said I (drawing close to the Professor, and
whispering in his ear, for fear any folks in the bar room might hear
me), 'but then, said I, may be he was every bit and grain as honest.'
Says he, 'Mr. Slick, there are some folks who think a good deal and
say but little, and they are wise folks; and there are others agin,
who blart right out whatever comes uppermost, and I guess they are
pretty considerable superfine darned fools.'

"And with that he turned right round, and sat down to his map and
never said another word, lookin' as mad as a hatter the whole blessed
time."

No. IX

Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding.

"Did you ever hear tell of Abernethy, a British doctor?" said the
Clockmaker.

"Frequently," said I; "he was an eminent man, and had a most
extensive practice."

"Well, I reckon he was a vulgar critter that," he replied, "he
treated the hon'ble Alden Gobble, secretary to our legation at
London, dreadful bad once; and I guess if it had been me he had used
that way, I'd a fixed his flint for him, so that he'd think twice
afore he'd fire such another shot as that 'ere agin. I'd a made him
make tracks, I guess, as quick as a dog does a hog from a potato
field. He'd a found his way out of the hole in the fence a plaguy
sight quicker than he came in, I reckon."

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