The Clockmaker
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Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> The Clockmaker
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"Well I couldn't make head or tail of all this, I could hardly
believe my eyes and ears; so, says I, to John Porter--him that
has that catamount of a wife, that I had such a touss with--'John
Porter,' says I, 'who ever seed or heerd tell of the like of this,
what under the sun does it all mean? What has that 'ere critter done
that he should be sold arter that fashion?' 'Done?' said he, 'why
nothin', and that's the reason they sell him. This is town meetin'
day, and we always sell the poor for the year, to the lowest bidder.
Them that will keep them for the lowest sum, gets them.' 'Why,' says
I, 'that feller that bought him is a pauper himself, to my sartin
knowledge. If you were to take him up by the heels and shake him
for a week, you couldn't shake sixpence out of him. How can he keep
him? It appears to me the poor buy the poor here, and that they all
starve together.' Says I, 'there was a very good man once lived to
Liverpool, so good, he said he hadn't sinned for seven years; well
he put a mill-dam across the river, and stopped all the fish from
goin' up, and the court fined him fifty pounds for it, and this
good man was so wrathy, he thought he should feel better to swear
a little, but conscience told him it was wicked. So he compounded
with conscience, and cheated the devil, by callin' it a "dam fine
business." Now, friend Porter, if this is your poor law, it is a
damn poor law, I tell you, and no good can come of such hard-hearted
doin's. It's no wonder your country don't prosper, for who ever heerd
of a blessin' on such carryins on as this?' Says I, 'Did you ever
hear tell of a sartin rich man, that had a beggar called Lazarus laid
at his gate, and how the dogs had more compassion than he had, and
came and licked his sores? 'cause if you have, look at that forehanded
and 'sponsible man there, deacon Westfall, and you see the rich man.
And then look at that 'ere pauper, dragged away in that ox-cart from
his wife for ever, like a feller to States' Prison, and you see
Lazarus. Recollect what follered, John Porter, and have neither art
nor part in it, as you are a Christian man.'
"It fairly made me sick all day. John Porter follered me out of the
house, and as I was a-turnin' Old Clay, said he, 'Mr. Slick,' says
he, 'I never seed it in that 'ere light afore, for it's our custom,
and custom you know will reconcile one to most anything. I must say,
it does appear, as you lay it out, an unfeelin' way of providin' for
the poor; but, as touchin' the matter of dividin' man and wife, why'
(and he peered all round to see that no one was within hearin'), 'why
I don't know, but if it was my allotment to be sold, I'd as lives
they'd sell me separate from Jane as not, for it appears to me it's
about the best part of it.'
"Now, what I have told you Squire," said the Clockmaker, "is the
truth; and if members, instead of their everlastin' politics, would
only look into these matters a little, I guess it would be far better
for the country. So, as for our declaration of independence, I guess
you needn't twitt me with our slave-sales, for we deal only in
blacks; but Bluenose approbates no distinction in colours, and when
reduced to poverty, is reduced to slavery, and is sold--a White
Nigger."
No. XXVIII
Fire in the Dairy.
As we approached within fifteen or twenty miles of Parrsboro', a
sudden turn of the road brought us directly in front of a large
wooden house, consisting of two stories and an immense roof, the
height of which edifice was much increased by a stone foundation,
rising several feet above ground.
"Now, did you ever see," said Mr. Slick, "such a catamaran as that?
There's a proper goney for you, for to go and raise such a buildin'
as that 'ere, and he as much use for it, I do suppose, as my old
wagon here has for a fifth wheel. Bluenose always takes keer to have
a big house, 'cause it shows a big man, and one that's considerable
forehanded, and pretty well to do in the world. These Nova Scotians
turn up their blue noses, as a bottle nose porpoise turns up his
snout, and puff and snort exactly like him at a small house. If
neighbour Carrit has a two story house, all filled with winders, like
Sandy Hook light house, neighbour Parsnip must add jist two feet more
on to the post of his'n, and about as much more to the rafter, to go
ahead of him; so all these long sarce gentlemen strive who can get
the furdest in the sky, away from their farms. In New England our
maxim is a small house, and a most an everlastin' almighty big barn;
but these critters revarse it, they have little hovels for their
cattle, about the bigness of a good sizeable bear-trap, and a house
for the humans as grand as Noah's Ark. Well, jist look at it and see
what a figur' it does cut. An old hat stuffed into one pane of glass,
and an old flannel petticoat, as yaller as jaundice, in another,
finish off the front; an old pair of breeches, and the pad of a bran'
new cart-saddle worn out, titivate the eend, while the backside is
all closed up on account of the wind. When it rains, if there ain't
a pretty how-do-you-do, it's a pity--beds toated out of this room,
and tubs set in t'other to catch soft water to wash; while the
clapboards, loose at the eends, go clap, clap, clap, like gals
a-hacklin' flax, and the winders and doors keep a-dancin' to the
music. The only dry place in the house is in the chimbley corner,
where the folks all huddle up, as an old hen and her chickens do
under a cart of a wet day. 'I wish I had the matter of half a dozen
pound of nails,' you'll hear the old gentleman in the grand house
say, 'I'll be darned if I don't, for if I had, I'd fix them 'ere
clapboards; I guess they'll go for it some o' these days.' 'I wish
you had,' his wife would say, 'for they do make a most particular
unhansum clatter, that's a fact;' and so they let it be till the next
tempestical time comes, and then they wish agin. Now, this grand
house has only two rooms downstairs, that are altogether slicked up
and finished off complete; the other is jist petitioned off rough
like, one half great dark entries, and t'other half places that
look a plaguy sight more like packin' boxes than rooms. Well, all
upstairs is a great onfarnished place, filled with every sort of
good-for-nothin' trumpery in natur'--barrels without eends; corn-cobs
half husked; cast off clothes and bits of old harness; sheep skins,
hides, and wool; apples, one half rotten, and t'other half squashed;
a thousand or two of shingles that have bust their withes, and broke
loose all over the floor; hay rakes, forks and sickles, without
handles or teeth; rusty scythes, and odds and eends without number.
When anything is wanted, then there is a general overhaul of the
whole cargo, and away they get shifted forrard, one by one, all
handled over and chucked into a heap together till the lost one is
found; and the next time, away they get pitched to the starn agin,
higglety pigglety, heels over head, like sheep takin' a split for
it over a wall; only they increase in number each move, 'cause some
on 'em are sure to get broke into more pieces than they was afore.
Whenever I see one of these grand houses, and a hat lookin' out o'
the winder, with nary head in it, think I, I'll be darned if that's
a place for a wooden clock--nothin' short of a London touch would go
down with them folks, so I calculate I won't alight.
"Whenever you come to such a grand place as this, Squire, depend
on't the farm is all of a piece--great crops of thistles, and an
everlastin' yield of weeds, and cattle the best fed of any in the
country, for they are always in the grain fields or mowin' lands,
and the pigs a-rootin' in the potato patches. A spic and span new gig
at the door, shinin' like the mud banks of Windsor, when the sun's
on 'em, and an old wrack of a hay wagon, with its tongue onhitched,
and stickin' out behind, like a pig's tail, all indicate a big man.
He's above thinkin' of farmin' tools, he sees to the bran' new
gig, and the hired helps look arter the carts. Catch him with his
go-to-meetin' clothes on, a-rubbin' agin their nasty greasy axles,
like a tarry nigger; not he, indeed, he'd stick you up with it.
"The last time I came by here, it was a little bit arter daylight
down, rainin' cats and dogs, and as dark as Egypt; so, thinks I, I'll
jist turn in here for shelter to Squire Bill Blake's. Well, I knocks
away at the front door, till I thought I'd a-split it in; but arter
a-rappin' awhile to no purpose, and findin' no one come, I gropes my
way round to the back door, and opens it, and feelin' all along the
partition for the latch of the keepin' room, without finding it, I
knocks agin, when some one from inside calls out 'Walk!' Thinks I, I
don't cleverly know whether that indicates 'walk in,' or 'walk out,'
it's plaguy short metre, that's a fact; but I'll see anyhow. Well,
arter gropin' about awhile, at last I got hold of the string and
lifted the latch and walked in, and there sot old Marm Blake, close
into one corner of the chimbley fireplace, a-see-sawin' in a rockin'
chair, and a half grown black house-help, half asleep in t'other
corner, a-scroudgin' up over the embers. 'Who be you?' said Marm
Blake, 'for I can't see you.' 'A stranger,' said I. 'Beck!' says she,
speakin' to the black heifer in the corner, 'Beck!' says she agin,
raisin' her voice, 'I believe you are as deff as a post, get up
this minit and stir the coals, till I see the man.' Arter the coals
were stirred into a blaze, the old lady surveyed me from head to
foot, then she axed me my name, and where I came from, where I was
a-goin', and what my business was. 'I guess,' said she, 'you must
be reasonable wet; sit to the fire and dry yourself, or mayhap your
health may be endamnified p'r'aps.'
"So I sot down, and we soon got pretty considerably well acquainted,
and quite sociable like, and her tongue when it fairly waked up,
began to run like a mill-race when the gate's up. I hadn't been
talkin' long, 'fore I well nigh lost sight of her altogether agin,
for little Beck began to flourish about her broom, right and left in
great style, a-clearin' up, and she did raise such an auful thick
cloud o' dust, I didn't know if I should ever see or breathe either
agin. Well, when all was sot to rights and the fire made up, the old
lady began to apologize for havin' no candles; she said she'd had a
grand tea-party the night afore, and used them all up, and a whole
sight of vittals too; the old man hadn't been well since, and had
gone to bed airly. 'But,' says she, 'I do wish with all my heart you
had a come last night, for we had a most a special supper--punkin
pies and doughnuts, and apple sarce, and a roast goose stuffed with
indian puddin', and a pig's harslet stewed in molasses and onions,
and I don't know what all, and the fore part of today folks called to
finish. I actilly have nothin' left to set afore you; for it was none
o' your skim-milk parties, but superfine uppercrust, real jam, and we
made clean work of it. But I'll make some tea, anyhow, for you, and
perhaps, arter that,' said she, alterin' of her tone, 'perhaps you'll
expound the Scriptures, for it's one while since I've heerd them laid
open powerfully. I hain't been fairly lifted up since that good man
Judas Oglethorp travelled this road,' and then she gave a groan and
hung down her head, and looked corner-ways, to see how the land lay
thereabouts. The tea-kettle was accordingly put on, and some lard
fried into oil, and poured into a tumbler; which, with the aid of an
inch of cotton wick, served as a make shift for a candle.
"Well, arter tea we sot and chatted awhile about fashions, and
markets, and sarmons, and scandal, and all sorts o' things; and, in
the midst of it, in runs the nigger wench, screemin' out at the tip
eend of her voice, 'Oh Missus! Missus! there's fire in the dairy,
fire in the dairy!' 'I'll give it to you for that,' said the old
lady, 'I'll give it you for that, you good-for-nothin' hussy; that's
all your carelessness; go and put it out this minit; how on airth
did it get there? My night's milk gone, I dare say; run this minit
and put it out, and save the milk.' I am dreadful afeard of fire, I
always was from a boy, and seein' the poor foolish critter seize a
broom in her fright, I ups with the tea-kettle and follows her; and
away we clipt through the entry, she callin' out 'Mind the cellar
door on the right!' 'Take kear of the close horse on the left!' and
so on, but as I couldn't see nothin', I kept right straight ahead.
At last my foot kotched in somethin' or another, that pitched me
somewhat less than a rod or so, right agin the poor black critter,
and away we went, heels over head. I heerd a splash and a groan, and
I smelt somethin' plaguy sour, but I couldn't see nothin'; at last I
got hold of her and lifted her up, for she didn't scream, but made a
strange kind of chokin' noise, and by this time up came Marm Blake
with a light. If poor Beck didn't let go then in airnest, and sing
out for dear life, it's a pity, for she had gone head first into
the swill tub, and the tea-kettle had scalded her feet. She kept
a-dancin' right up and down, like one ravin' distracted mad, and
boo-hoo'd like anything, clawin' away at her head the whole time,
to clear away the stuff that stuck to her wool.
"I held in as long as I could, till I thought I should have busted,
for no soul could help a-larfin', and at last I haw-hawed right out.
'You good-for-nothin' stupid slut you,' said the old lady to poor
Beck, 'it sarves you right, you had no business to leave it
there--I'll pay you.' 'But,' said I, interferin' for the unfortunate
critter, 'good gracious, marm! you forget the fire.' 'No I don't,'
said she, 'I see him,' and seizin' the broom that had fallen from the
nigger's hand, she exclaimed, 'I see him, the nasty varmint,' and
began to belabour most onmarcifully a poor half-starved cur that the
noise had attracted to the entry. 'I'll teach you,' said she, 'to
drink milk; I'll larn you to steal into the dairy; and the besot
critter joined chorus with Beck, and they both yelled together, till
they fairly made the house ring agin. Presently old Squire Blake
popped his head out of a door, and rubbin' his eyes, half asleep and
half awake, said, 'What the devil's to pay now, wife?' 'Why nothin','
says she, 'only FIRE'S IN THE DAIRY, and Beck's in the swill tub,
that's all.' 'Well, don't make such a touss, then,' said he, 'if
that's all,' and he shot tu the door and went to bed agin. When we
returned to the keepin' room, the old lady told me that they always
had had a dog called 'Fire,' ever since her grandfather, Major Donald
Fraser's time, 'and what was very odd,' says she, 'every one on 'em
would drink milk if he had a chance.'
"By this time the shower was over, and the moon shinin' so bright
and clear that I thought I'd better be up and stirrin', and arter
slippin' a few cents into the poor nigger wench's hand, I took
leave of the grand folks in the big house. Now, Squire, among these
middlin'-sized farmers you may lay this down as a rule: THE BIGGER
THE HOUSE, THE BIGGER THE FOOLS BE THAT'S IN IT.
"But, howsomever, I never call to mind that 'ere go in the big house,
up to the right, that I don't snicker when I think of 'FIRE IN THE
DAIRY.'"
No. XXIX
A Body without a Head.
"I allot you had ought to visit our great country Squire," said the
Clockmaker, "afore you quit for good and all. I calculate you don't
understand us. The most splendid location atween the Poles is the
United States, and the first man alive is Gineral Jackson, the hero
of the age, him that skeered the British out of their seven senses.
Then there's the great Danel Webster, it's generally allowed, he's
the greatest orator on the face of the airth, by a long chalk; and
Mr. Van Buren, and Mr. Clay, and Amos Kindle, and Judge White, and a
whole raft of statesmen, up to everything and all manner of politics;
there ain't the beat of 'em to be found anywhere. If you was to hear
'em, I consait you'd hear genuine pure English for once, anyhow; for
it's generally allowed we speak English better than the British. They
all know me to be an American citizen here, by my talk, for we speak
it complete in New England.
"Yes, if you want to see a free people--them that makes their own
laws, accordin' to their own notions--go to the States. Indeed, if
you can falt them at all, they are a little grain too free. Our
folks have their head a trifle too much, sometimes, particularly in
elections, both in freedom of speech and freedom of press. One hadn't
ought to blart right out always all that comes uppermost. A horse
that's too free frets himself and his rider too, and both on 'em lose
flesh in the long run. I'd e'enamost as lives use the whip sometimes,
as to be for everlastinly a-pullin' at the rein. One's arm gets
plaguy tired, that's a fact. I often think of a lesson I larnt Jehiel
Quirk once, for lettin' his tongue outrun his good manners.
"I was down to Rhode Island one summer to larn gildin' and bronzin',
so as to give the finishin' touch to my clocks. Well, the folks
elected me a hog-reave, jist to poke fun at me, and Mr. Jehiel,
a bean pole of a lawyer, was at the bottom of it. So one day, up
to Town Hall, where there was an oration to be delivered on our
Independence, jist afore the orator commenced, in runs Jehiel in a
most all-fired hurry; and, says he, 'I wonder,' says he, 'if there's
ary a hog-reave here? because if there be I require a turn of his
office.' And then, said he, a-lookin' up to me and callin' out at the
tip eend of his voice, 'Mr. Hog-reave Slick,' says he, 'here's a job
out here for you.' Folks snickered a good deal, and I felt my spunk
a-risin' like half flood, that's a fact; but I bit in my breath, and
spoke quite cool. 'Possible?' says I; 'well, duty, I do suppose, must
be done, though it ain't the most agreeable in the world. I've been
a-thinkin',' says I, 'that I would be liable to a fine of fifty cents
for sufferin' a hog to run at large, and as you are the biggest one,
I presume, in all Rhode Island, I'll jist begin by ringin' your nose,
to prevent you for the futur' from pokin' your snout where you hadn't
ought to;' and I seized him by the nose and nearly wrung it off.
Well, you never heerd sich a shoutin' and clappin' of hands, and
cheerin', in your life; they haw-hawed like thunder. Says I, 'Jehiel
Quirk, that was a superb joke of your'n; how you made the folks larf,
didn't you? You are e'enamost the wittiest critter I ever seed. I
guess you'll mind your parts o' speech, and study the ACCIDENCE agin
afore you let your clapper run arter that fashion, won't you?'"
"I thought," said I, "that among you republicans, there were no
gradations of rank or office, and that all were equal, the hog-reave
and the governor, the judge and the crier, the master and his
servant; and although, from the natur' of things, more power might
be entrusted to one than the other, yet that the rank of all was
precisely the same."
"Well," said he, "it is so in theory, but not always in practice; and
when we do pracTISE it, it seems to go a little agin the grain, as
if it warn't quite right neither. When I was last to Baltimore there
was a court there, and Chief Justice Marshall was detailed there for
duty. Well, with us in New England, the sheriff attends the judge to
court and, says I to the sheriff, 'Why don't you escort that 'ere
venerable old judge to the State House? He's a credit to our nation
that man, he's actilly the first pot hook on the crane; the whole
weight is on him; if it warn't for him the fat would be in the fire
in no time. I wonder you don't show him that respect--it wouldn't
hurt you one morsel, I guess.' Says he, quite miffy like, 'Don't he
know the way to court as well as I do? If I thought he didn't, I'd
send one of my niggers to show him the road. I wonder who was his
lackey last year, that he wants me to be his'n this time. It don't
convene to one of our free and enlightened citizens, to tag arter any
man, that's a fact; it's too English and too foreign for our glorious
institutions. He's bound by law to be there at ten o'clock, and so be
I, and we both know the way there I reckon.'
"I told the story to our minister, Mr. Hopewell (and he has some odd
notions about him, that man, though he don't always let out what he
thinks). Says he, 'Sam, that was in bad taste' (a great phrase of the
old gentleman's that), 'in bad taste, Sam. That 'ere sheriff was a
goney; don't cut your cloth arter his pattern, or your garment won't
become you, I tell you. We are too enlightened to worship our fellow
citizens as the ancients did, but we ought to pay great respect to
vartue and exalted talents in this life; and, arter their death,
there should be statues of eminent men placed in our national
temples, for the veneration of arter ages, and public ceremonies
performed annually to their honour. Arter all, Sam,' said he (and he
made a considerable of a long pause, as if he was dubersome whether
he ought to speak out or not), 'arter all, Sam,' said he, 'atween
ourselves (but you must not let on I said so, for the fullness of
time hain't yet come), half a yard of blue ribbon is a plaguy cheap
way of rewardin' merit, as the English do; and, although we larf at
'em (for folks always will larf at what they hain't got, and never
can get), yet titles ain't bad things as objects of ambition, are
they?' Then, tappin' me on the shoulder, and lookin' up and smilin',
as he always did when he was pleased with an idee, 'Sir Samuel Slick
would not sound bad, I guess, would it Sam?'
"'When I look at the English House of Lords,' said he, 'and see so
much larning, piety, talent, honour, vartue, and refinement collected
together, I ax myself this here question: can a system which produces
and sustains such a body of men, as the world never saw before and
never will see agin, be defective? Well, I answer myself, perhaps
it is, for all human institutions are so, but I guess it's e'enabout
the best arter all. It wouldn't do here now, Sam, nor perhaps for
a century to come, but it will come sooner or later with some
variations. Now the Newtown pippin, when transplanted to England,
don't produce such fruit as it does in Long Island, and English
fruits don't preserve their flavour here, neither; allowance must
be made for difference of soil and climate (Oh Lord! thinks I, if
he turns in to his orchard, I'm done for; I'll have to give him the
dodge somehow or another, through some hole in the fence, that's
a fact; but he passed on that time). 'So it is,' said he, 'with
constitutions; our'n will gradually approximate to their'n, and
their'n to our'n. As they lose their strength of executive, they will
varge to republicanism, and as we invigorate the form of government
(as we must do, or go to the old boy), we shall tend towards a
monarchy. If this comes on gradually, like the changes in the human
body, by the slow approach of old age, so much the better; but I
fear we shall have fevers, and convulsion-fits, and cholics, and an
everlastin' gripin' of the intestines first; you and I won't live to
see it Sam, but our posteriors will, you may depend.'
"I don't go the whole figur' with minister," said the Clockmaker,
"but I do opinionate with him in part. In our business relations we
belie our political principles; we say every man is equal in the
Union, and should have an equal vote and voice in the Government; but
in our banks, railroad companies, factory corporations, and so on,
every man's vote is regilated by his share and proportion of stock;
and if it warn't so, no man would take hold on these things at all.
"Natur' ordained it so--a father of a family is head, and rules
supreme in his household; his eldest son and darter are like first
leftenants under him, and then there is an overseer over the niggers;
it would not do for all to be equal there. So it is in the univarse,
it is ruled by one Superior Power; if all the angels had a voice in
the government I guess--" Here I fell fast asleep; I had been nodding
for some time, not in approbation of what he said, but in heaviness
of slumber, for I had never before heard him so prosy since I first
overtook him on the Colchester road. I hate politics as a subject of
conversation; it is too wide a field for chit-chat, and too often
ends in angry discussion. How long he continued this train of
speculation I do not know, but, judging by the different aspect of
the country, I must have slept an hour.
I was at length aroused by the report of his rifle, which he had
discharged from the wagon. The last I recollected of his conversation
was, I think, about American angels having no voice in the
government, an assertion that struck my drowsy faculties as not
strictly true; as I had often heard that the American ladies talked
frequently and warmly on the subject of politics, and knew that one
of them had very recently the credit of breaking up General Jackson's
cabinet. When I awoke, the first I heard was "Well! I declare, if
that ain't an amazin' fine shot, too, Considerin' how the critter was
a-runnin' the whole blessed time; if I hain't cut her head off with a
ball, jist below the throat, that's a fact. There's no mistake in a
good Kentucky rifle! I tell you."
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