The Clockmaker

T >> Thomas Chandler Haliburton >> The Clockmaker

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15

"I heerd her bounce right out of bed, and she came to the door as she
was, ondressed, and onbolted it; and, as I entered it, she fetched
me a box right across my cheek with the flat of her hand, that made
it tingle agin. 'I'll teach you to call names agin,' says she, 'you
varmint.' It was jist what I wanted; I pushed the door tu with my
foot, and seizing her by the arm with one hand, I quilted her with
the horsewhip real handsum, with the other. At first she roared like
mad; 'I'll give you the ten commandments,' says she (meaning her
ten claws), 'I'll pay you for this, you cowardly villain, to strike
a woman. How dare you lift your hand, John Porter, to your lawful
wife!' and so on; all the time runnin' round and round, like a colt
that's a-breakin', with the mouthin' bit, rarein', kickin', and
plungin' like statiee. Then she began to give in. Says she, 'I beg
pardon, on my knees I beg pardon--don't murder me, for Heaven's
sake--don't, dear John, don't murder your poor wife, that's a dear.
I'll do as you bid me; I promise to behave well, upon my honour I
do--oh! dear John, do forgive me, do dear.' When I had her properly
brought too, for havin' nothin' on but a thin under-garment, every
crack of the whip told like a notch on a baker's tally, says I, 'Take
that as a taste of what you'll catch, when you act that way like
Old Scratch. Now go and dress yourself, and get supper for me and a
stranger I have brought home along with me, and be quick, for I vow
I'll be master in my own house.' She moaned like a dog hit with a
stone, half whine, half yelp; 'Dear, dear,' says she, 'if I ain't all
covered over with welts as big as my finger, I do believe I'm flayed
alive;' and she boo-hoo'd right out like anything. 'I guess,' said I,
'you've got 'em where folks won't see 'em, anyhow, and I calculate
you won't be over forrard to show 'em where they be. But come,' says
I, 'be a-stirrin', or I'll quilt you agin as sure as you're alive;
I'll tan your hide for you, you may depend, you old ungainly tempered
heifer you.'

"When I went to the barn, says I, 'John Porter, your wife made
right at me, like one ravin' distracted mad, when I opened the door,
thinkin' it was you; and I was obliged to give her a crack or two
of the cowskin to get clear of her. It has effectuated a cure
completely; now foller it up, and don't let on for your life it
warn't you that did it, and you'll be master once more in your own
house. She's all docity jist now--keep her so.' As we returned we saw
a light in the keepin' room, the fire was blazin' up cheerfulsome,
and Marm Porter moved about as brisk as a parched pea, though as
silent as dumb, and our supper was ready in no time. As soon as she
took her seat and sot down, she sprung right up on eend, as if she
had sot on a pan of hot coals, and coloured all over; and then tears
started in her eyes. Thinks I to myself, I calculate I wrote that
'ere lesson in large letters anyhow, I can read that writin' without
spellin', and no mistake; I guess you've got pretty well warmed
thereabouts this hitch. Then she tried it agin, first she sot on
one leg then on t'other, quite oneasy, and then right atwixt both,
a-fidgettin' about dreadfully; like a man that's rode all day on a
bad saddle, and lost a little leather on the way. If you had seed how
she stared at Porter, it would have made you snicker. She couldn't
credit her eyes. He warn't drunk, and he warn't crazy, but there he
sot as peeked and as meechin' as you please. She seemed all struck up
of a heap at his rebellion. The next day when I was about startin', I
advised him to act like a man, and keep the weather gage now he had
it, and all would be well, but the poor critter only held on a day or
two, she soon got the upper hand of him, and made him confess all,
and by all accounts he leads a worse life now than ever. I put that
'ere trick on him jist now to try him, and I see it's gone goose with
him; the jig is up with him, she'll soon call him with a whistle like
a dog. I often think of the hornpipe she danced there in the dark
along with me, to the music of my whip--she touched it off in great
style, that's a fact. I shall mind that go one while, I promise you.
It was actilly equal to a play at old Bowry. You may depend, Squire,
the only way to tame a shrew is by the cowskin. Grandfather Slick was
raised all along the coast of Kent in Old England, and he used to say
there was an old saying there, which, I expect, is not far off the
mark:

'A woman, a dog, and a walnut tree,
The more you lick 'em, the better they be.'"

No. XXVI

The Minister's Horn Mug.

"This Country," said Mr. Slick, "abounds in superior mill privileges,
and one would naterally calculate that such a sight of water power
would have led to a knowledge of machinery. I guess if a Bluenose was
to go to one of our free and enlightened citizens, and tell him Nova
Scotia was intersected with rivers and brooks in all directions, and
nearly one quarter of it covered with water, he'd say, 'Well, I'll
start right off and see it, I vow, for I guess I'll larn somethin'.
I allot I'll get another wrinkle away down east there. With such
splendid chances for experimentin', what first-chop mills they must
have, to a sartainty. I'll see such new combinations, and such new
applications of the force of water to motion, that I'll make my
fortin', for we can improve on anything a'most.' Well, he'd find his
mistake out I guess, as I did once, when I took passage in the night
at New York for Providence, and found myself the next mornin' clean
out to sea, steerin' away for Cape Hatteras, in the Charleston
steamer. He'd find he'd gone to the wrong place, I reckon; there
ain't a mill of any kind in the Province fit to be seen. If we had
'em, we'd sarve 'em as we do the gamblin' houses down south, pull
'em right down, there wouldn't be one on 'em left in eight and forty
hours.

"Some domestic factories they ought to have here; it's an essential
part of the social system. Now we've run to the other extreme, it's
got to be too big an interest with us, and ain't suited to the
political institutions of our great country. Natur' designed us
for an agricultural people, and our government was predicated on
the supposition that we would be so. Mr. Hopewell was of the same
opinion. He was a great hand at gardenin', orchadin', farmin', and
what not. One evenin' I was up to his house, and says he, 'Sam, what
do you say to a bottle of my old genuine cider? I guess I got some
that will take the shine off of your father's, by a long chalk, much
as the old gentleman brags of his'n. I never bring it out afore
him. He thinks he has the best in all Connecticut. It's an innocent
ambition that; and Sam, it would be but a poor thing for me to
gratify my pride, at the expense of humblin' his'n. So I never
lets on that I have any better, but keep dark about this superfine
particular article of mine, for I'd as lives he'd think so as not.'
He was a real primiTIVE good man was minister. 'I got some,' said
he, 'that was bottled that very year that glorious action was fought
atween the Constitution and the Guerriere. Perhaps the whole world
couldn't show such a brilliant whippin' as that was. It was a
splendid deed, that's a fact. The British can whip the whole airth,
and we can whip the British. It was a bright promise for our young
eagle; a noble bird that, too; great strenth, great courage, and
surpassing sagacity.'

"Well, he went down to the cellar, and brought up a bottle, with a
stick tied to its neck, and day and date to it, like lye-bills on the
trees in Squire Hendrick's garden. 'I like to see them 'ere cobwebs,'
says he, as he brushed 'em off, 'they are like grey hairs in an old
man's head; they indicate venerable old age.' As he uncorked it, says
he, 'I guess Sam, this will warm your gizzard, my boy; I guess our
great nation may be stumped to produce more eleganter liquor than
this here. It's the dandy, that's a fact. That,' said he, a-smackin'
his lips, and lookin' at its sparklin' top, and layin' back his head,
and tippin' off a horn mug brim full of it--'that,' said he, and his
eyes twinkled agin, for it was plaguy strong--'that is the produce of
my own orchard.' 'Well,' I said, 'minister,' says I, 'I never see you
a-swiggin' it out of that 'ere horn mug, that I don't think of one of
your texts.' 'What's that, Sam?' says he, 'for you always had a'most
a special memory when you was a boy.' 'Why,' says I, that "the horn
of the righteous man shall be exalted;" I guess that's what they
mean by "exaltin' the horn," ain't it? Lord if ever you was to New
OrLEENS, and seed a black thunder cloud rise right up and cover the
whole sky in a it, you'd a thought of it if you had seed his face. It
looked as dark as Egypt. 'For shame!' says he, 'Sam, that's ondecent;
and let me tell you that a man that jokes on such subjects, shows
both a lack of wit and sense too. I like mirth, you know I do, for
it's only the Pharisees and hypocrites that wear long faces, but then
mirth must be innocent to please me; and when I see a man make merry
with serious things, I set him down as a lost sheep. That comes of
your speculatin' to Lowell; and, I vow, them factorin' towns will
corrupt our youth of both sexes, and become hotbeds of iniquity. Evil
communications endamnify good manners, as sure as rates; one scabby
sheep will infect a whole flock--vice is as catchin' as that nasty
disease the Scotch have, it's got by shakin' hands, and both eend
in the same way--in brimstone. I approbate domestic factories, but
nothin' further for us. It don't suit us or our institutions. A
republic is only calculated for an enlightened and vartuous people,
and folks chiefly in the farmin' line. That is an innocent and a
happy vocation. Agriculture was ordained by Him as made us, for our
chief occupation.'

"Thinks I, here's a pretty how do you do; I'm in for it now, that's a
fact; he'll jist fall to and read a regular sarmon, and he knows so
many by heart he'll never stop. It would take a Philadelphia lawyer
to answer him. So, says I, 'Minister, I ax your pardon, I feel very
ugly at havin' given you offence, but I didn't mean it, I do assure
you. It jist popped out unexpectedly, like a cork out of one of
them 'ere cider bottles, I'll do my possibles that the like don't
happen agin, you may depend; so 'spose we drink a glass to our
reconciliation.' 'That I will,' said he, 'and we will have another
bottle too, but I must put a little water into MY GLASS (and he dwelt
on that word, and looked at me, quite feelin', as much as to say,
don't for goodness sake make use of that 'ere word HORN agin, for
it's a joke I don't like), 'for my head hain't quite the strength my
cider has. Taste this, Sam,' said he (openin' of another bottle);
'it's of the same age as the last, but made of different apples, and
I am fairly stumped sometimes to say which is best.'

"'These are the pleasures,' says he, 'of a country life. A man's own
labour provides him with food, and an appetite to enjoy it. Let him
look which way he will, and he sees the goodness and bounty of his
Creator, his wisdom, his power, and his majesty. There never was
anything so true, as that 'ere old sayin', "Man made the town, but
God made the country," and both bespeak their different architects in
terms too plain to be misunderstood. The one is filled with virtue
and the other with vice. One is the abode of plenty, and the other
of want; one is a ware-duck of nice pure water, and t'other one a
cess-pool. Our towns are gettin' so commercial and factoring, that
they will soon generate mobs, Sam' (how true that 'ere has turned out,
hain't it? He could see near about as far into a millstone, as them
that picks the hole into it), 'and mobs will introduce disobedience
and defiance to laws, and that must eend in anarchy and bloodshed.
No,' said the old man, raising his voice, and giving the table a wipe
with his fist that made the glasses all jingle agin, 'give me the
country--that country to which he that made it said, "Bring forth
grass, the herb yieldin' seed, and the tree yieldin' fruit," AND WHO
SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD. Let me jine with the feathered tribe in the
mornin' (I hope you get up airly now, Sam; when you was a boy there
was no gittin' you out of bed at no rate), and at sunset, in the
hymns which they utter in full tide of song to their Creator. Let
me pour out the thankfulness of my heart to the Giver of all good
things, for the numerous blessings I enjoy, and intreat Him to bless
my increase, that I may have wherewithal to relieve the wants of
others, as he prevents and relieves mine. No! give me the country.
It's--' Minister was jist like a horse that has the spavin: he sot
off considerable stiff at first, but when he once got under way, he
got on like a house a fire. He went like the wind, full split. He was
jist beginnin' to warm on the subject, and I knew if he did, what
wonderful bottom he had; how he would hang on for ever a'most; so,
says I, 'I think so too, minister, I like the country, I always sleep
better there than in towns; it ain't so plaguy hot, nor so noisy
neither, and then it's a pleasant thing to set out on the stoop and
smoke in the cool, ain't it? I think,' says I, 'too, Minister, that
that 'ere uncommon handsum cider of your'n desarves a pipe, what
do you think?' 'Well,' says he, 'I think myself a pipe wouldn't be
amiss, and I got some real good Varginny, as you e'enamost ever seed,
a present from Rowland Randolph, an old college chum; and none the
worse to my palate, Sam, for bringin' bygone recollections with
it. Phoebe, my dear,' said he to his darter, 'bring the pipes and
tobacco.' As soon as the old gentleman fairly got a pipe in his
mouth, I give Phoebe a wink, as much as to say, warn't that well
done? That's what I call a most particular handsum fix. He can talk
now (and that I do like to hear him do), but he can't make a speech,
or preach a sarmon, and that I don't like to hear him do, except on
Sabbath day, or up to Town Hall, on oration times.

"Minister was an uncommon pleasant man--for there was nothin' a'most
he didn't know--except when he got his dander up, and then he did
spin out his yarns for everlastinly.

"But I'm of his opinion. If the folks here want their country to go
ahead, they must honour the plough; and General Campbell ought to
hammer that 'ere into their noddles, full chisel, as hard as he can
drive. I could larn him somethin', I guess, about hammerin' he ain't
up to. It ain't every one that knows how to beat a thing into a man's
head. How could I have sold so many thousand clocks, if I hadn't had
that knack? Why, I wouldn't have sold half a dozen, you may depend.

"Agriculture is not only neglected but degraded here. What a number
of young folks there seem to be in these parts, a-ridin' about,
titivated out real jam, in their go-to-meetin' clothes, a-doin'
nothin'. It's melancholy to think on it. That's the effect of the
last war. The idleness and extravagance of those times took root,
and bore fruit abundantly, and now the young people are above their
business. They are too high in the instep, that's a fact.

"Old Drivvle, down here to Maccan, said to me one day, 'For gracious
sake,' says he, 'Mr. Slick, do tell me what I shall do with Johnny.
His mother sets great store by him, and thinks he's the makin's of a
considerable smart man; he's growin up fast now, and I am pretty well
to do in the world, and reasonable forehanded, but I don't know what
the dogs to put him to. The lawyers are like spiders--they've eat up
all the flies, and I guess they'll have to eat each other soon, for
there's more on 'em than causes now every court. The Doctors' trade
is a poor one, too, they don't get barely cash enough to pay for
their medicines; I never seed a country practitioner yet that made
anything worth speakin' of. Then, as for preachin', why church and
dissenters are pretty much tarred with the same stick, they live in
the same pastur' with their flocks; and, between 'em, it's fed down
pretty close I tell you. What would you advise me to do with him?'
'Well,' says I, 'I'll tell you if you won't be miffy with me.' 'Miffy
with you indeed,' said he, 'I guess I'll be very much obliged to you;
it ain't every day one gets a chance to consult with a person of your
experience; I count it quite a privilege to have the opinion of such
an understandin' man as you be.' 'Well,' says I, 'take a stick and
give him a real good quiltin'; jist tantune him like blazes, and set
him to work. What does the critter want? You have a good farm for
him, let him go and airn his bread; and when he can raise that, let
him get a wife to make butter for it; and when he has more of both
than he wants, let him sell 'em and lay up his money, and he will
soon have his bread buttered on both sides. Put him to, eh! why
put him to the PLOUGH, the most nateral, the most happy, the most
innocent, and the host healthy employment in the world.' 'But,' said
the old man (and he did not look over half pleased), markets are
so confounded dull, labour so high, and the banks and great folks
a-swallerin' all up so, there don't seem much encouragement for
farmers; it's hard rubbin', nowadays, to live by the plough--he'll
be a hard workin' poor man all his days.' 'Oh!' says I, 'if he wants
to get rich by farmin', he can do that, too. Let him sell his wheat,
and eat his oatmeal and rye; send his beef, mutton and poultry to
market, and eat his pork and potatoes; make his own cloth, weave his
own linen, and keep out of shops, and he'll soon grow rich--there
are more fortin's got by savin' than by makin', I guess, a plaguy
sight--he can't eat his cake and have it too, that's a fact. No, make
a farmer of him, and you will have the satisfaction of seeing him an
honest, an independent, and a respectable member of society--more
honest than traders, more independent than professional men, and more
respectable than either.'

"'Ahem!' says Marm Drivvle, and she began to clear her throat for
action; she slumped down her knittin', and clawed off her spectacles,
and looked right straight at me, so as to take good aim. I seed a
regular nor'wester a-brewin', I knew it would bust somewhere sartin,
and make all smoke agin, so I cleared out and left old Drivvle to
stand the squall. I conceit he must have had a tempestical time
of it, for she had get her Ebenezer up, and looked like a proper
sneezer. Make her Johnny a farmer, eh! I guess that was too much for
the like o' her to stomach.

"Pride, squire," continued the Clockmaker (with such an air of
concern, that, I verily believe, the man feels an interest in the
welfare of a Province, in which he has spent so long a time), "Pride,
Squire, and a false pride, too, is the ruin of this country, I hope
I may be skinned if it ain't."

No. XXVII

The White Nigger.

One of the most amiable, and at the same time most amusing traits,
in the Clockmaker's character, was the attachment and kindness with
which he regarded his horse. He considered "Old Clay" as far above
a Provincial horse, as he did one of his "free and enlightened
citizens" superior to a Bluenose. He treated him as a travelling
companion, and when conversation flagged between us, would often
soliloquize to him, a habit contracted from pursuing his journeys
alone. "Well now," he would say, "Old Clay, I guess you took your
time a-goin' up that 'ere hill--'spose we progress now. Go along, you
old sculpin, and turn out your toes. I reckon you are as deff as a
shad, do you hear there? Go ahead! Old Clay. There now," he'd say,
"Squire ain't that dreadful pretty? There's action. That looks about
right: legs all under him--gathers all up snug--no bobbin' of his
head--no rollin' of his shoulders--no wabblin' of his hind parts, but
steady as a pump bolt, and the motion all underneath. When he fairly
lays himself to it, he trots like all vengeance. Then look at his
ear--jist like rabbit's; none o' your flop-ears like them Amherst
beasts, half horses, half pigs, but strait up and p'inted, and not
too near at the tips; for that 'ere, I consait, always shows a horse
ain't true to draw. There are only two things, Squire, worth lookin'
at in a horse, action and soundness; for I never saw a critter that
had good action that was a bad beast. Old Clay puts me in mind of one
of our free and enlightened--"

"Excuse me," said I, "Mr. Slick, but really you appropriate that word
'free' to your countrymen, as if you thought no other people in the
world were entitled to it but yourselves."

"Neither be they," said he. "We first sot the example. Look at our
declaration of independence. It was writ by Jefferson, and he was the
first man of the age; perhaps the world never seed his ditto. It's a
beautiful piece of penmanship that, he gave the British the butt eend
of his mind there. I calculate you couldn't falt it in no particular,
it's generally allowed to be his cap shief. In the first page of it,
second section, and first varse, are these words: 'We hold this truth
to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.' I guess King
George turned his quid when he read that. It was somethin' to chaw
on, he hadn't been used to the flavour of, I reckon."

"Jefferson forgot to insert one little word," said I; "he should
have said, 'all white men;' for as it now stands, it is a practical
untruth, in a country which tolerates domestic slavery in its worst
and most forbidding form. It is a declaration of SHAME, and not of
INDEPENDENCE. It is as perfect a misnomer as ever I knew."

"Well," said he, "I must admit there is a screw loose somewhere
thereabouts, and I wish it would convene to Congress, to do somethin'
or another about our niggers, but I am not quite certified how that
is to be sot to rights; I consait that you don't understand us. But,"
said he, evading the subject with his usual dexterity, "we deal only
in niggers--and those thick-skulled, crooked-shanked, flat-footed,
long-heeled, wooly-headed gentlemen, don't seem fit for much else but
slavery, I do suppose. They ain't fit to contrive for themselves.
They are jist like grasshoppers; they dance and sing all summer, and
when winter comes they have nothin' provided for it, and lay down and
die. They require some one to see arter them. Now, we deal in black
niggers only, but the Bluenoses sell their own species--they trade in
white slaves."

"Thank God," said I, "slavery does not exist in any part of his
Majesty's dominions now, we have at last wiped off that national
stain."

"Not quite, I guess," said he, with an air of triumph, "it ain't done
with in Nova Scotia, for I have seed these human cattle sales with my
own eyes; I was availed of the truth of it up here to old Furlong's
last November. I'll tell you the story," said he; and as this story
of the Clockmaker's contained some extraordinary statements, which I
had never heard of before, I noted it in my journal, for the purpose
of ascertaining their truth; and, if founded on fact, of laying them
before the proper authorities.

"Last fall," said he, "I was on my way to Partridge Island, to ship
off some truck and produce I had taken in, in the way of trade; and
as I neared old Furlong's house, I seed an amazin' crowd of folks
about the door; I said to myself, says I, who's dead, and what's to
pay now? What on airth is the meanin' of all this? Is it a vandew, or
a weddin', or a rollin' frolic, or a religious stir, or what is it?
Thinks I, I'll see, so I hitches Old Clay to the fence, and walks
in. It was some time afore I was able to swiggle my way through the
crowd, and get into the house. And when I did, who should I see but
deacon Westfall, a smooth faced, slick haired, meechin' lookin'
chap as you'd see in a hundred, a-standin' on a stool, with an
auctioneer's hammer in his hand; and afore him was one Jerry Oaks
and his wife, and two little orphan children, the prettiest little
toads I ever beheld in all my born days. 'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I
will begin the sale by putting up Jerry Oaks, of Apple River, he's
a considerable of a smart man yet, and can do many little chores
besides feedin' the children and pigs, I guess he's near about worth
his keep.' 'Will you warrant him sound, wind and limb?' says a tall
ragged lookin' countryman, 'for he looks to me as if he was foundered
in both feet, and had a string halt into the bargain.' 'When you are
as old as I be,' says Jerry, 'mayhap you may be foundered too, young
man; I have seen the day when you wouldn't dare to pass that joke
on me, big as you be.' 'Will any gentleman bid for him,' says the
deacon, 'he's cheap at 7s. 6d.' 'Why deacon,' said Jerry, 'why surely
your honour isn't a-goin' for to sell me separate from my poor old
wife, are you? Fifty years have we lived together as man and wife,
and a good wife has she been to me, through all my troubles and
trials, and God knows I have had enough of 'em. No one knows my ways
and my ailments but her, and who can tend me so kind, or who will
bear with the complaints of a poor old man but his wife? Do, deacon,
and Heaven bless you for it, and yours, do sell us together. We have
but a few days to live now, death will divide us soon enough. Leave
her to close my old eyes, when the struggle comes, and when it comes
to you, deacon, as come it must to us all, may this good deed rise up
for you, as a memorial before God. I wish it had pleased him to have
taken us afore it came to this, but his will be done;' and he hung
his head, as if he felt he had drained the cup of degradation to its
dregs. 'Can't afford it, Jerry--can't afford it, old man,' said the
deacon, with such a smile as a November sun gives, a-passin' atween
clouds. 'Last year they took oats for rates, now nothin' but wheat
will go down, and that's as good as cash; and you'll hang on, as most
of you do, yet these many years. There's old Joe Crowe, I believe in
my conscience he will live for ever.' The biddin' then went on, and
he was sold for six shillings a week. Well, the poor critter gave one
long, loud, deep groan, and then folded his arms over his breast,
so tight that he seemed tryin' to keep in his heart from bustin'. I
pitied the misfortinate wretch from my soul; I don't know as I ever
felt so streaked afore. Not so his wife, she was all tongue. She
begged and prayed, and cryed, and scolded, and talked at the very tip
eend of her voice, till she became, poor critter, exhausted, and went
off in a faintin' fit, and they ketched her up and carried her out to
the air, and she was sold in that condition.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15