Off Hand Sketches, a Little Dashed with Humour

T >> T.S. Arthur >> Off Hand Sketches, a Little Dashed with Humour

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In Philadelphia, our adventurer did not stay long; but something in
the air of Baltimore pleased him, and he lingered about there for
several weeks, prying into every thing and getting acquainted with
everybody that was accessible. Among others for whom the Yankee
seemed to take a liking, was a Dutchman, who was engaged in
manufacturing an article for which there was a very good demand, and
on which there was a tempting profit. He used to drop in almost
every day and have a talk with the Dutchman, who seemed like a good,
easy kind of a man, and just the game for the Yankee, if he should
think it worth the candle.

"Why don't you enlarge your business?" asked Jonathan, one day. "You
can sell five times what you make."

"I knows dat," returned the Dutchman, "but I wants de monish. Wait a
while, den I enlarsh."

"Then you are laying by something?"

"Leetle mite."

In two or three days, Jonathan came round again. He had thought the
matter all over, and was prepared to invest his five hundred dollars
in the Dutchman's business, provided the latter had no objections.

"It's a pity to creep along in the way you are going," he said,
"when so much money might be made in your business by the investment
of more capital. Can't you borrow a few hundred dollars?"

"Me borrow? Oh, no; nobody lend me few hunnard dollar. I go on, save
up; bimeby I enlarsh."

"But somebody else, with plenty of money, might go into the business
and fill the market; then it would be no use to enlarge."

"Sorry, but can't help it. No monish, no enlarsh."

"I've got five hundred dollars."

The phlegmatic Dutchman brightened up.

"Fife hunnard dollar?"

"Yes."

"Much monish. Do great business on fife hunnard dollar."

"That you could."

"You lend me de monish?" asked the Dutchman.

Jonathan shook his head.

"Can't do that. I'm going into business myself."

"Ah! what business?"

"Don't know yet; haven't decided. Into your business, maybe."

"My business!" The Dutchman looked surprised.

"Yes; it appears to me like a very good business. Don't you think I
could start very fair on five hundred dollars?"

The Dutchman hesitated to answer that question; he didn't want to
say yes, and he was conscious that the Yankee knew too much of his
affairs to believe him if he said no. He, therefore, merely shrugged
his shoulders, looked stupid, and remained silent.

"You don't know of a large room that I could get anywhere, do you?"

The Dutchman shook his head, and gave a decided negative.

Jonathan said no more on that occasion. Two days afterwards, he
dropped in again. "Have you fount a room yet?" asked the Dutchman.

"I've seen two or three," replied Jonathan. "One of them will suit
me, I guess. But I'll tell you what I've been thinking about since I
saw you. If I open another establishment, the business will be
divided. Now, it has struck me, that, perhaps, it might be better,
all round, for me to put my five hundred dollars into your business
as a partner, and push the whole thing with might and main. How does
it strike you?"

"Vell, I can't say shust now; I'll dink of him. You put in fife
hunnard dollar, you say?"

"Yes; five hundred down, in hard cash--every dollar in gold."

"Fife hunnard. Let us see." And the Dutchman raised his chin and
dropped his eyes, and stood for some minutes in a deep study.

"Fife hunnard," he repeated several times.

"Come to-morrow," he at length said. "Den I tell you."

"Very well. I'll drop in to-morrow," replied the Yankee. "I'm not
very anxious about it, you see; but, as the thing occurred to me, I
thought I would mention it. Five hundred dollars will make a great
difference in your business."

On the next day, Jonathan appeared, looking quite indifferent about
the matter. The Dutchman had turned over the proposition, and
dreamed about it, both sleeping and waking. His final decision was
to take in the Yankee as a partner.

Now, a cool, thoughtful Dutchman, and a quick-witted Yankee, are not
a very bad match for each other, provided the former sees reason to
have his wits about him, which was the case in the present instance.
The Dutchman meant all fair; he had no thought of taking any
advantage: but he had suspicion enough of Jonathan to put him on his
guard, and look to see that no high-handed game was played off upon
him.

"You put in fife hunnard dollar?" he said, when the Yankee appeared.

"Yes."

"Hard cash?"

"Yes, in gold."

"Gold!"

"All in half-eagles like these." And he drew a handful of gold coins
from his pocket.

"Very well; I dake you. You put in fife hunnard dollar, I put in all
I got here; den we joint owner."

"Equal partners?"

"Yes."

"That is, I own half and you half."

"Yes."

"And we divide, equally, the profits?"

"Yes."

"Very well; that'll do, I guess. We'll have writings drawn to this
effect--articles of co-partnership, you know."

"Oh, yes."

This settled, nothing remained but to have the articles drawn, the
money paid in, and the agreement signed and witnessed; all of which
was done in the course of a few weeks. Then Jonathan went into the
business, and infused some Yankee spirit: into every part of it; he
made things move ahead fast. In less than a year, the business was
much more than doubled, and the profits in proportion; thut Jonathan
was not satisfied with his half of these--he wanted the whole; and,
hedge-hog-like, he did all he could, by merely bristling up, to make
things unpleasant for his partner. But the Dutchman was by no means
thin-skinned; the sharp spikes of the Yankee's character annoyed him
but little. As for himself, he felt very well satisfied with his
share of the profits, and willing to go on as they were going.

At the end of the second year, when the establishment had grown into
quite an important and profitable concern, the Yankee had a visit
from an Eastern friend, a man of some capital.

"That's a stupid-looking. fellow, that partner of yours," said this
person.

"And he is as stupid as a mule. I have to carry him on my back, and
the business, too."

"Why don't you get rid of him?"

"I've been wanting to do so for some time, but haven't seen my way
clear yet."

"Does your partnership expire at any time, by limitation?"

"No. It can only be dissolved by mutual consent."

"Won't he sell out his interest?"

"I don't know; but I've always intended to make him an offer to give
or take, as soon as I could see my way clear to do it."

"Don't you see your way clear now?"

"No. When such an offer is made, it must be of a sum that it is
impossible for him to raise; otherwise, he might agree to give the
amount proposed, and I don't want that. I wish to stick to the
business, for it's going to be a fortune. At present, I am not able
to raise what I think should be offered."

"How much is that?"

"About three thousand dollars. I only put in five hundred, two years
ago. You can see how the business has increased. The half is worth
five thousand in reality, and I would give, rather than take that
sum."

"You think your partner can't raise three thousand dollars?"

"Oh, no; he's got no friends, and he hasn't three hundred out of the
business."

"How long would you want the sum mentioned?"

"A year or eighteen months."

"I reckon I can supply it," said the friend. "It's a pity for you to
be tied to this old Dutchman, when you can conduct the business just
as well yourself."

"A great deal better; he is only in my way."

"Very well. You make him the offer to give or take three thousand
dollars, and I will supply the money. But you ought, by all means,
to add a stipulation, that whoever goes out shall sign a written
agreement not to go into the same business for at least ten years to
come. If you don't do this, he can take his three thousand dollars
and start another establishment upon as large a scale as the one you
have, and seriously affect your operations."

"Such a stipulation must be signed, of course," remarked Jonathan.
"I've always had that in my mind; let me once get this business into
my hands, and I'll make it pay better than it ever has yet. Before
ten years roll over my head, if I a'n't worth forty or fifty
thousand dollars, then I don't know any thing."

"You think it will pay like that?"

"Yes, I know it. I haven't put out half my strength yet, for I
didn't want to let this Dutchman see what could be made of the
business. He'll catch at three thousand dollars like a trout at a
fly; it's more money than he ever saw in his life."

On the next day, Jonathan told his partner that he wanted to have
some talk with him; so they retired into their little private
office, to be alone.

"Vat you want?" said the Dutchman, when they were by themselves; for
he saw that his partner had something on his mind of graver import
than usual.

"I'm tired of a co-partnership business," said the Yankee, coming
straight to the main point.

"Vell?" And the Dutchman looked at him without betraying the least
surprise.

"Either of us could conduct this business as well as both together."

"Vell?"

"Now, I propose to buy you out or sell you my interest, as you
please."

"Vell?"

"What will you give me for my half of the business, and let me go at
something else?" The Dutchman shook his head.

"At a word, then, to make the matter as simple as possible, and as
fair as possible, I'll tell you what I'll give or take."

"Vell?"

"Of course, it would not be fair for the one who goes out to
commence the same business. I would not do it. There should be a
written agreement to this effect."

"Yes. Vell, vat vill you give or dake?"

I'll give or take three thousand dollars; I don't care which."

"Dree dousand dollar! You give dat?"

"Yes."

"Or take dat?"

"Either."

"You pay down de monish?"

"Cash down."

"Humph! Dree dousand dollar! Me tink about him."

"How long do you want to think?"

"Undil de mornin."

"Very well; we'll settle the matter to-morrow morning."

In the morning, Jonathan's friend came with three thousand dollars,
in order to pay the Dutchman right down, and have the whole business
concluded while the matter was warm.

Meantime, the Dutchman, who was not quite so friendless nor so
stupid as the Yankee supposed, turned the matter over in his mind
very coolly. He understood Jonathan's drift as clearly as he
understood it himself, and was fully as well satisfied as he was in
regard to the future value of the business which he had founded. Two
of their largest customers were Germans, and to them he went and
made a full statement of his position, and gave them evidence that
entirely satisfied them as to the business. Without hesitation, they
agreed to advance him the money he wanted, and to enable him to
strike while the iron was hot, checked him out the money on the next
morning. One of them accompanied him to his manufactory, to be a
witness in the transaction.

Jonathan and his friend were first on the spot.

In about ten minutes, the Dutchman and his friend arrived.

"Well, have you made up your mind yet?" asked the Yankee.

"De one who goes out ish not to begin de same business?"

"No, certainly not; it wouldn't be fair."

"No, I 'spose not."

"Suppose we draw up a paper, and sign it to that effect, before we
go any farther."

"Vell."

The paper was drawn, signed, and witnessed by the friends of both
parties.

"You are prepared to give or take?" said Jonathan, with same
eagerness in his manner.

"Yes."

"Well, which will you do?"

"I vill give," coolly replied the Dutchman.

"Give!" echoed the Yankee, taken entirely by surprise at so
unexpected a reply. "Give! You mean, take."

"I no means dake, I means give. Here ish de monish;" and he drew
forth a large roll of bank-bills. "You say give or dake--I say
give."

With the best face it was possible to put upon the matter, Jonathan,
who could not back out, took the three thousand dollars, and, for
that sum, signed away, on the spot, all right, title, and claim to
benefit in the business, from that day henceforth and for ever.

With his three thousand dollars in his pocket, the Yankee started
off farther South, vowing that, if he lived to be as old as
Methuselah, he'd never have any thing to do with a Dutchman again.

A TIPSY PARSON.

IN a village not a hundred miles from Philadelphia, resided the Rev.
Mr. Manlius, who had the pastoral charge of a very respectable
congregation, and was highly esteemed by them; but there was one
thing in which he did not give general satisfaction, and in
consequence of which many excellent members of his church felt
seriously scandalized. He would neither join a temperance society,
nor omit his glass of wine when he felt inclined to take it. It is
only fair to say, however, that such spirituous indulgences were not
of frequent occurrence. It was more the principle of the thing, as
he said, that he stood upon, than any thing else, that prevented his
signing a temperance pledge.

Sundry were the attacks, both open and secret, to which the Reverend
Mr. Manlius was subjected, and many were the discussions into which
he was drawn by the advocates of total abstinence. His mode of
argument was very summary.

"I would no more sign a pledge not to drink brandy than I would sign
a pledge not to steal," was the position he took. "I wish to be free
to choose good or evil, and to act right because it is wrong to do
otherwise. I do not find fault with others for signing a pledge, nor
for abstaining from wine. If they think it right, it is right for
them. But as for myself, I would cut off my right hand before I
would bind myself by mere external restraint. My bonds are internal
principles. I am temperate because intemperance is sin. For men who
have abused their freedom, and so far lost all rational control over
themselves that they cannot resist the insane spirit of
intemperance, the pledge is all important. Sign it, I say, in the
name of Heaven; but do not sign it because this, that, or the other
temperate man has signed it, but because you feel it to be your only
hope. Do it for yourself, and do it if you are the only man in the
world who acts thus. To sign because another man, whom you think
more respectable, has signed, will give you little or no strength.
You must do it for yourself, and because it is right."

The parson was pretty ready with the tongue, and rarely came off
second best when his opponents dragged him into a controversy,
although his arguments were called by them, when he was not present,
"mere fustian."

"His love for wine and brandy is at the bottom of all this hostility
to the temperance cause," was boldly said of him by individuals in
and out of his church. But especially were the members of other
churches severe upon him.

"He'll turn out a drunkard," said one.

"I shouldn't be surprised to see him staggering in the streets
before two years," said another.

"He does more harm to the temperance cause than ten drunkards,"
alleged a third.

While others said--"Isn't it scandalous!"

"He's a disgrace to his profession!"

"_He_ pretend to have religion!"

"A minister indeed!"

And so the changes rang.

All this time, Mr. Manlius firmly maintained his ground, taking his
glass of wine whenever it suited him. At last, after the occurrence
of a dinner-party given by a family of some note in the place, and
at which the minister was present, and at which wine was circulated
freely, a rather scandalous report got abroad, and soon went buzzing
all over the village. A young man, who made no secret of being fond
of his glass, and who was at the dinner-party, met, on the day
after, a very warm advocate of temperance, and a member of a
different denomination from that in which Mr. Manlius was a
minister, and said to him, with mock gravity--"We had a _rara avis_
at our dinner-party yesterday, Perkins."

"Indeed. What wonderful thing was that?"

"A tipsy parson."

"A what?"

The man's eyes became instantly almost as big as saucers.

"A tipsy parson."

"Who? Mr. Manlius?" was eagerly inquired.

"I didn't say so. I call no names."

"He was present, I know; and drank wine, I am told, like a fish."

"I wasn't aware before that fishes drank wine," said the man
gravely.

"It was Manlius, wasn't it?" urged the other.

"I call no names," was repeated. "All I said was, that we had a
tipsy parson--and so we had. I'll prove it before a jury of a
thousand, if necessary."

"It's no more than I expected," said the temperance man. "He's a
mere winebibber at best. He pretend to preach the gospel! I wonder
he isn't struck dead in the pulpit."

The moment his informant had left him, Perkins started forth to
communicate the astounding intelligence that Mr. Manlius had been
drunk on the day before, at Mr. Reeside's dinner-party. From lip to
lip the scandal flew, with little less than electric quickness. It
was all over the village by the next day. Some doubted, some denied,
but the majority believed the story--it was so likely to be true.

This occurred near the close of the week, and Sunday arrived before
the powers that be in the church were able to confer upon the
subject, and cite the minister to appear and answer for himself on
the scandalous charge of drunkenness. There was an unusual number of
vacant pews during service, both morning and afternoon.

Monday came, and, early in the day, a committee of two deacons
waited upon Mr. Manlius, and informed him of the report in
circulation, and of their wish that he would appear before them on
the next afternoon, to give an account of himself, as the church
deemed the matter far too serious to be passed lightly over. The
minister was evidently a good deal surprised and startled at this,
but he neither denied the charge nor attempted any palliation,
merely saying that he would attend, of course.

"It's plain that he's guilty," said Deacon Jones to Deacon Todd, as
they walked with sober faces away from the minister's dwelling.

"Plain? Yes--it's written in his face," returned Deacon Todd. "So
much for opposing temperance reforms and drinking wine. It's a
judgment upon him."

"But what a scandal to our church!" said Deacon Jones.

"Yes--think of that. He must be suspended, and not restored until he
signs the pledge."

"I don't believe he'll ever do that."

"Why not?"

"He says he would cut off his right hand first."

"People are very fond of cutting off their right hand, you know. My
word for it, this will do the business for him. He will be glad
enough to get the matter hushed up so easily. I shall go for
suspending him until he signs the pledge."

"I don't know but that I will go with you. If he signs the pledge,
he's safe."

And so the two deacons settled the matter.

On the next day, in grave council assembled were all the deacons of
the church, besides sundry individuals who had come as the
minister's friends or accusers. Perkins, who had put the report in
circulation, was there, at the special request of one of the
deacons, who had ascertained that he had as much, or a little more
to say, in the matter, than any one.

Perkins was called upon, rather unexpectedly, to answer one or two
questions, immediately on the opening of the meeting, but as he was
a stanch temperance man, and cordially despised the minister, he was
bold to reply.

"Mr. Perkins," said the presiding deacon, "as far as we can learn,
this scandalous charge originated with you: I will, therefore, ask
you--did you say that the Rev. Mr. Manlius was drunk at Mr.
Reeside's dinner-party?"

"I did," was the unhesitating answer.

"Were you present at Mr. Reeside's?"

"No, sir."

"Did you see Mr. Manlius coming from the house intoxicated?"

"No."

"What evidence, then, have you of the truth of your charge? We have
conversed this morning with several who were present, and all say
that they observed nothing out of the way in Mr. Manlius, on the
occasion of which you speak. This is a serious matter, and we should
like to have your authority for a statement so injurious to the
reputation of the minister and the cause of religion."

"My authority is Mr. Burton, who was present."

"Did he tell you that Mr. Manlius was intoxicated?"

"He said there was a drunken minister there, and Mr. Manlius, I have
ascertained, was the only clergyman present."

"Was that so?" asked the deacon of an individual who was at Mr.
Reeside's.

"Mr. Manlius was the only clergyman there," was replied.

"Then," said Perkins, "if there was a drunken minister there, it
must have been Mr. Manlius. I can draw no other inference."

"Can Mr. Burton be found?" was now asked.

An individual immediately volunteered to go in search of him. In
half an hour he was produced. As he entered the grave assembly, he
looked around with great composure upon the array of solemn faces
and eyes intently fixed upon him. He did not appear in the least
abashed.

"You were at Mr. Reeside's last week, at a dinner-party, I believe?"
said the presiding deacon.

"I was."

"Did you see Mr. Manlius intoxicated on that occasion?"

"Mr. Manlius! Good heavens! no! I can testify, upon oath, that he
was as solemn as a judge. Who says that I made so scandalous an
allegation?"

Burton appeared to grow strongly excited.

"I say so," cried Perkins in a loud voice.

"You say so? And, pray, upon what authority?"

"Upon the authority of your own words."

"Never!"

"But you did tell me so."

Perkins was much excited.

"When?"

"On the day after the dinner-party. Don't you remember what you said
to me?"

"Oh, yes--perfectly."

"That you had a drunken minister at dinner?"

"No, I never said that."

"But you did, I can be qualified to it."

"I said we had a 'tipsy parson.'"

"And, pray, what is the difference?"

At the words "tipsy parson," the minister burst into a loud laugh,
and so did two or three others who had been at Mr. Reeside's. The
grave deacon in the chair looked around with frowning wonder at such
indecorum, and felt that especially ill-timed was the levity of the
minister.

"I do not understand this," he said, with great gravity.

"I can explain it," remarked an individual, rising, "as I happened
to be at Mr. Reeside's, and know all about the 'tipsy parson.' The
cook of our kind hostess, in her culinary ingenuity, furnished a
dessert, which she called 'tipsy parson,'--made, I believe, by
soaking sponge-cake in brandy and pouring a custard over it. It is
therefore true, as our friend Burton has said, that there was a
'tipsy parson' at the table; but as to the drunken minister of Mr.
Perkins, I know nothing."

Never before, in a grave and solemn assembly of deacons, was there
such a sudden and universal burst of laughter, such a holding of
sides and vibration of bodies, as followed this unexpected speech.
In the midst of the confusion and noise, Perkins quietly retired. He
has been known, ever since, in the village, much to his chagrin and
scandalization, he being still a warm temperance man, as the "tipsy
parson."

"There goes the 'tipsy parson'" he hears said, as he passes along
the street, a dozen times in a week, and he is now seriously
inclined to leave the village, in order to escape the ridicule his
over-zealous effort to blast the minister's reputation has called
into existence. As for the Rev. Mr. Manlius, he often tells the
story, and laughs over it as heartily as any one.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING;

OR, THE REASON WHY MRS. TODD DIDN'T SPEAK TO MRS. JONES.

"DID you see that?" said Mrs. Jones to her friend Mrs. Lion, with
whom she was walking.

"See what?"

"Why, that Mrs. Todd didn't speak to me."

"No. I thought she spoke to you as well as to me."

"Indeed, then, and she didn't."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure? Can't I believe my own eyes? She nodded and spoke to you, but
she didn't as much as look at me."

"What in the world can be the reason, Mrs. Jones?"

"Dear knows!"

"You certainly must be mistaken. Mrs. Todd would not refuse to speak
to one of her old friends in the street."

"Humph! I don't know; she's rather queer, sometimes. She's taken a
miff at something, I suppose, and means to cut my acquaintance. But
let her. I shall not distress myself about it; she isn't all the
world."

"Have you done any thing likely to offend her?" asked Mrs. Lyon.

"Me?" returned her companion. "No, not that I am aware of; but
certain people are always on the lookout for something or other
wrong, and Mrs. Todd is just one of that kind."

"I never thought so, Mrs. Jones."

"She is, then. I know her very well."

"I'm sorry," said Mrs. Lyon, evincing a good deal of concern.
"Hadn't you better go to her in a plain, straight-forward way, and
ask the reason of her conduct? This would make all clear in a
moment."

"Go to her, Mrs. Lyon," exclaimed Mrs. Jones, with ill-concealed
indignation. "No, indeed, that I will not. Do you think I would
demean myself so much?"

"I am not sure that by so doing you would demean yourself, as you
say. There is, clearly, some mistake, and such a course would
correct all false impressions. But it was only a suggestion, thrown
out for your consideration."

"Oh, no, Mrs. Lyon," replied Mrs. Jones, with warmth. "You never
find me cringing to people, and begging to know why they are pleased
to cut my acquaintance. I feel quite as good as anybody, and
consider myself of just as much consequence as the proudest and
best. Mrs. Todd needn't think I care for her acquaintance; I never
valued it a pin."

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