Book of Etiquette
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Lillian Eichler >> Book of Etiquette
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BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
BY LILLIAN EICHLER
VOLUME II
ILLUSTRATED
COPYRIGHT, 1921
CONTENTS
PART III
I. SERVANTS
The Servant in the Household
A Word to the Mistress
A Word to the Servant
How to Address Servants
The Child and the Servant
The Invisible Barrier
When the Servant Speaks
The Servants of a Big House
The Butler
Correct Dress for the Butler
The Second Man
The Chauffeur
Duties of the Chauffeur
The Valet
The Page
The Maid-Servants
Lady's Maid
The Nurse-Maid
Duties of House-Maid
In Conclusion.
II. DINNERS
About the American Hostess
Planning the Formal Dinner
Arranging the Table
Starting at the Center
Some Important Details
Table Etiquette
Table Service
Use of the Napkin
The Spoon at the Dinner Table
The Fork and Knife
Finger Foods
Table Accidents
The Hostess
When the Guests Arrive
The Successful Hostess
The Guest
Comments on Food
Second Helpings
The Menu
Special Entertainment
When to Leave
Taking Leave
Inviting a Stop-Gap
Simple Dinners
Inviting Congenial Guests
When There are no Servants
Hotel Dinners
Dress for Dinner
III. LUNCHEONS
Purpose of the Luncheon
Informal Luncheons
About the Table
The Formal Luncheon
The Table for the Formal Luncheon
Hostess and Guest
Formal and Informal Breakfasts
Dress for Luncheons and Breakfasts
IV. TEAS AND OTHER ENTERTAINMENTS
Evolution of the Afternoon Tea
The Simpler Tea
The Formal Tea
The Tea Table
Dress at Tea Time
The Garden Party
Receiving the Guests
On the Lawn
Dress for Garden Parties and Lawn Festivals
Woman's Garden Costume
The Man at the Garden Party
House Parties
Sending the Invitation
When the Guests Arrive
Entertaining at the House Party
Hostess and Guests at the House Party
"Tipping" the Servants
V. WHEN THE BACHELOR ENTERTAINS
When the Bachelor is Host
Welcoming the Guests
The Bachelor's Dinner
Tea at a Bachelor Apartment
The Bachelor Dance
Theater Parties
Yachting Parties
VI. MUSICALES AND PRIVATE THEATRICALS
Preparations for the Musicale
The Afternoon Musicale
The Evening Musicale
Card Parties at the Musicale
Duties of Guests at Musicales
Dress at the Musicale
Arranging Private Theatricals
The Players
The Guests
Host and Hostess
VII. DANCING
Dancing as a Healthful Art
Dance-Giving No Longer a Luxury
The Debut Dance
Costume Balls
Subscription Dances
The Ballroom
Music at the Dance
Dance Programs
Dinner Dances
Dressing Rooms
The Dance
When the Lady is Asked to Dance
"Cutting In"
Dancing Positions
When the Guest Does Not Dance
Public Dances
A Plea for Dancing
The Charm of Dress in Dancing
At the Afternoon Dance
Gentlemen at the Dance
Dress for the Ball
Dress of the Debutante
Wraps at the Ball
Ball Dress for Men
For the Simple Country Dance
VIII. GAMES AND SPORTS
Why the World Plays
Fair Play
Indoor Games
Chess
Bridge
Billiards and Croquet
Outdoor Games
Lawn Tennis
Golf
Some Important Rules about Golf
Football
Automobile Etiquette
Automobile Parties
Riding
Bathing
Sports
Clothes in General
PART IV
I. SPEECH
Conversation
The Charm of Correct Speech
Courtesy in Conversation
The Voice
Ease in Speech
Local Phrases and Mannerisms
Importance of Vocabulary
Interrupting the Speech of Others
Tact in Conversation
Some Important Information
What to Talk About
II. DRESS
The First Impression
Men's Dress
Women's Dress
The Story of Dress
The Dawn of Fashion
The Fashions of To-day
Harmony in Dress
Importance of Color
The Charm of Personality
Gaudiness versus Good Taste
"Extravagance the Greatest Vulgarity"
Inappropriateness in Clothes
The Eccentric Dresser
Comfort in Clothes
If One is Not Average
Tall and Short People
The Well-Dressed Woman
Not a Slave to Fashion
The Well-Dressed Man
The Charm of Old Age
The Elderly Woman
Imitation and Over-Dressing
The Older Gentleman
A Trip to the South
For the Gentleman
III. THE BUSINESS WOMAN
Woman in the Business World
Self-Confidence
The Slattern
Following the Fashions
Gaudy Attraction
The Business Suit
The Business Dress and Coat
An Appeal to Business Women
IV. ON THE STREET
The True Etiquette
Poise in Public
The Charm of Courtesy
Ladies and Gentlemen
When to Bow in Public
Walking in Public
Stopping for a Chat
When Accidents Happen
Accepting Courtesies from Strangers
Raising the Hat
How to Raise the Hat
In the Street Car
Entering the Car
In the Taxicab
Some Social Errors
V. AT THE THEATER AND THE OPERA
Dress at the Theater and Opera
Entering the Theater
Arriving Late
About Wraps
Order of Precedence
Before the Play
When the Curtain is Drawn
During the Performance
The Offending Hat
Applause
During Intermission
Leaving the Theater
VI. HOTEL ETIQUETTE
At the Hotel
The Woman Guest
Receiving Masculine Guests
Making Friends at the Hotel
How to Register
In the Public Dining-Room
Hotel Stationery
Regarding the Servants
Leaving the Hotel
VII. TRAVEL ETIQUETTE
The Restless Urge of Travel
The Customs of Countries
The Traveler's Wardrobe
In the Train
In the Sleeping Car
Train Courtesy
The Woman Traveler
The Woman who Travels with an Escort
In the Dining-Car
Children on the Train
In the Taxicab
Bon Voyage Gifts
On Board the Ship
Courtesy of the Ship
The Woman Crossing the Ocean
A Concert at Sea
At the Journey's End
At Hotel and Restaurant
At Tea-Room and Roof-Garden
To Those Who Love to Travel
VIII. TIPPING
An Un-American Custom
Lavish Tipping
In Dining-Room or Dining-Car
At the Hotel
The Taxi-Driver
On the Train
Crossing the Ocean
Tips in Foreign Countries
IX. ETIQUETTE ABROAD
The American in Foreign Countries
On English Soil
Addressing Royalty
Other English Titles
-And Still Other Titles
Addressing Clergy Abroad
Lawyers, Statesmen and Officials-How to Address Them
At the Court of England
What to Wear to Court
The King's Levees
In France
Addressing Titled People in France
Certain French Conventions
Dinner Etiquette
French Wedding Etiquette
Balls
About Calls and Cards
Correspondence
The American in Germany
The Perfect American Tourist
APPENDIX Foreign Words in Frequent Social Usage
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
READY FOR TEA Frontspiece Page
TABLE SET FOR DINER
THE PUNCH TABLE
THE BUFFET LUNCH
PART III
Repose and cheerfulness are the badge of the gentleman--repose in energy.
The Greek battle pieces are calm; the heroes, in whatever violent actions
engaged, retain a serene aspect; as we say of Niagara, that it falls
without speed. A cheerful, intelligent face is the end of culture, and
success enough. For it indicates the purpose of nature and wisdom
attained. --Emerson
CHAPTER I
SERVANTS
THE SERVANT IN THE HOUSEHOLD
"A mouse can look at a king, but a king won't often look at a mouse" says
the old proverb. Which is, sadly enough, the state of affairs between
servants and mistresses in many households.
A great many people feel somehow that those who labor in the capacity of
servants are inferior. But in most cases, it is those who place servants
on a lower plane who are themselves inferior. We owe those who take a
part in the household affairs of our homes, more than the wages we pay
them. We owe them gratitude, courtesy, kindness. Many elaborate dinners
would be failures if it were not for the silent members of our
households. Many formal entertainments would be impossible without their
help. They hold a certain place of importance in the home and it should
be recognized in the social world as a place worthy of every courtesy and
respect.
For those who are fortunate enough to have servants to help with domestic
tasks, it is extremely important that the correct etiquette of servants
be thoroughly known and understood. And those who serve as butlers and
maids and valets must also know the little rules of good conduct that
govern their duties and responsibilities. The information contained in
the following paragraphs is meant for both the servant and the mistress,
and we hope that both will find it valuable.
A WORD TO THE MISTRESS
In the home where guests are frequently entertained and where the hostess
holds many formal social functions, servants are essential.
Every family that can afford to do so, should have one, or two, or more
servants according to social requirements and the appointments of the
house. They should be well instructed in their duties and they should be
expected to carry them out faultlessly. Untidy, noisy, ill-trained
servants reflect upon the manners and conduct of the mistress herself.
The most common method of engaging a servant is through an agency. Here
different types of men and women can be found, and the mistress of the
household may be fortunate enough to find one suited to her requirements.
Sometimes she secures a maid or butler by the recommendation of some
other housekeeper. This method is usually more satisfactory than any
other because it puts things on a rather friendly basis from the start.
But whether the maid or butler be engaged by recommendation or through an
agency, it is important that it be clearly understood from the beginning
just what his or her duties will be. And the mistress should not engage
a servant unless she feels sure that he will be able to fill the position
satisfactorily, for it is both an expensive and provoking process to
change servants frequently.
The first few days in a new home are always difficult for the servant.
The mistress should be patient and considerate and do all she can to make
the newcomer feel at ease in her new surroundings. Her directions should
be requests, not commands, and she should overlook blunders for they may
be the result of the servant's unfamiliarity with the household and its
customs.
After the servant has been in the household three weeks or a month, the
mistress has every right to expect him to carry out his duties correctly.
But we are all human, and we all make mistakes. When a servant blunders
through carelessness a reprimand may be necessary, but to scold in loud,
angry tones is most ill-mannered. The well-bred woman will never forget
that there is as much demand for courtesy and kindliness in her relations
with her servants as in any other relation in which she is placed. There
is absolutely no reason why "please" and "thank you" should be omitted
when we speak to the people who live in our homes and labor for our
comfort and happiness.
A WORD TO THE SERVANT
Among real Americans, with their democratic views, there can be no
objection to the word "servant." It is a noun, a name, to denote people
in a certain occupation; just as "brokers" and "salesmen" and
"housewives" denote certain people in other occupations. Therefore the
servants who read these sentences, and the women who have servants in
their households, should interpret the word in the spirit it is written,
that of true American courtesy and respect.
Domestic service requires a certain character lacking in most other
professions. As a servant, you care for the things of others and it
should be done with as much attention and regard as if they were your
own. You attend to your duties day after day, persisting in work which
may sometimes become monotonous and which would be easy enough to shirk,
but which you do for the comfort and pleasure of your mistress. You find
yourself in the position of keeping other people's property attractive,
putting other people's visitors at ease and being economical with other
people's money. And we repeat again that it requires a certain high
stamp of character that is not found in most professions.
Tidiness is very important in both men and women servants. The maid who
serves at the dinner table must wear a fresh new blouse and a crisp
apron. Soiled finger-nails or unclean hands are inexcusable. The
well-trained servant presents always an immaculate, well-groomed
appearance.
It hardly seems necessary to mention that the servant must be
scrupulously honest. Perhaps, in their capacity in the home, they are
exposed to unusual temptations, but that is just the reason why they
should refrain from dishonesty of any kind, even the slightest lie.
Gossip about the family life of the people they are serving should also
be avoided by servants.
The servant should remember that whether she be maid or mistress, she can
be _cultured_. The well-bred, well-trained maid is never sullen or
perverse. Nor is her manner servile or haughty. She is respectful to
her employers, but she does not cringe. She does her duties carefully,
conscientiously and thoroughly, and she carries out the commands of her
mistress without question. If, however, a maid thinks that a certain
task could be done much more quickly and satisfactorily in another way,
she may suggest it to her mistress and request her permission to do it in
that way. If she is reprimanded for a mistake, she should not become
rude or angry, but remain calm and answer quietly. It will not be long
before her mistress, if she is the right sort of mistress, recognizes her
superior qualities, her good manners and conscientious work, and will
respond by treating her in like manner.
Undue familiarity from the maid is not to be countenanced. But many
times a certain understanding friendliness develops between a "faithful
maid and a kind and courteous mistress." a friendship in which rigid
class distinctions are not sufficient to form a barrier.
Let those of us who are servants remember that it is only in helping
others that true happiness is found, and that the world is quick to
recognize and reward true, loyal, sincere service.
HOW TO ADDRESS SERVANTS
Household servants are usually addressed by their first names. It is
indeed bad form to address a servant by some abbreviated nickname, such
as Lizzy for Elizabeth or Maggie for Margaret. The full first name should
be used. A pleasant "Good morning, Margaret," starts the day right, both
for the mistress and the maid. In England the surname is preferred but
they do not have to contend with all the foreign importations in the way
of names that we have here in America. It is certainly better to call
John Soennichsen John, than to use his surname.
A butler or chauffeur is usually addressed by his surname unless he is a
man who has served the family for many years.
The golden rule of "Thank you" is just as golden when it applies to our
servants. It is only the extremely discourteous man or woman who will
address servants in a peremptory, rude tone. And it is especially
ill-bred and unkind to be overbearing to servants in the presence of
guests, or to scold one servant in the presence of another.
THE CHILD AND THE SERVANT
Insolence to servants on the part of children is as much a reflection on
the manners of the parents, as it is upon the breeding of the children.
The child that hears the servants addressed in rude, haughty manner will
quite naturally adopt the same manner towards them. And no one, child or
adult, can be considered well-bred unless he or she is courteous and kind
to everyone, especially to those whose social position is inferior.
In the park, recently, a little tot of six years or thereabouts had a bag
of peanuts which she offered to two little playmates and also to their
mother who was sitting near by. Seeing that she did not offer her
governess some peanuts, the woman inquired, "Why don't you offer Miss
Taylor some?" To which the youngster immediately replied, "Oh, she's only
my governess."
This is the result of wrong principle in the home. No child is born a
snob. No child is born haughty and arrogant. It is the home environment
and the precedent of the parents that makes such vain, unkind little
children as the one mentioned above. It is actually unfair to the young
children in the home to set the wrong example by being discourteous to
the servants. They will only have to fight, later, to conquer the petty
snobbishness that stands between them and their entrance into good
society.
THE INVISIBLE BARRIER
In the sixteenth century French women servants were arrested and placed
in prison for wearing clothes similar to those worn by their "superiors".
It developed that they had made the garments themselves, copying them
from the original models, sometimes sitting up all night to finish the
garment. But the court ruled that it made no difference whether they had
made them themselves or not; they had worn clothes like their
mistresses', and they must be punished! We very much wiser people of the
twentieth century smile when we read of these ridiculous edicts of a
long-ago court, but we placidly continue to condemn the shop-girl and the
working-girl if she dares to imitate Parisienne importations.
It is very often the same in the household. We ridicule the "class
systems" of other countries, yet we deliberately build up a barrier
between ourselves and those who work for us. Perhaps there must be some
such barrier to keep the social equilibrium; but is there any reason why
it should be unkind and discourteous?
The mistress should not, of course, confide in her servants, gossip with
them, discuss her affairs with them, enter their quarrels and take sides
with them. But she can be cheerful, polite, considerate; and invariably
she will find that this kind of treatment will bring an immediate
response even from the most sullen servant.
WHEN THE SERVANT SPEAKS
In answering the mistress or master of the household, it is customary for
the servant to say, "Yes, madam," or, "Yes, Sir." Old servants, who have
been for many years in the employ of the same people, may omit the
"madam" and use the name, in this manner--"Yes, Mrs. Brown." Such
slovenly expressions as "No'm" or "Yessir" show lack of good training on
the part of the servant, and poor judgment on the part of the mistress.
Brevity and civility are the two most important virtues of the speech of
the man or maid servant who answers inquiries at the door, admits guests
and takes messages. In the latter case, when a servant takes a message
for one of the members of the household, a polite "Thank you, madam" is
essential. If there is a doubt as to whether or not the hostess is at
home, the well-trained servant admits the visitor, asks her to have a
seat, and says, "I will inquire." He returns to say either that Madam
is not at home, or that she will be down directly. When announcing
guests, the butler should ask, "What name, please?" not in the
indifferent, sing-song manner so characteristic of butlers, but in a
cordial, polite tone of voice, and with a genial smile. Having been
given the names of the visitors, he announces them in clear, distinct
tones. These announcements are made while the guests are entering the
drawing room. A mother and two daughters are announced as: "Mrs.
Smith, the Misses Smith." If the given names of the young ladies are
called, the form of announcement is: "Mrs. Smith, Miss Smith, Miss Alice
Smith," the eldest daughter of a family being given the privilege to use
the title "Miss Smith." In announcing a gentleman and his son, the
butler says: "Mr. Blank, Mr. Francis Blank."
THE SERVANTS OF A BIG HOUSE
The small household must choose servants according to convenience and
requirements. Where there are three or four grown-up daughters and the
home is a small one, one maid and one butler are sufficient. But in a
very large house with numerous rooms, where many social functions are
held and many house parties are given by the hostess a full corps of
servants is required. Each one should have certain, definite tasks to
perform every day. In the luxurious American home, seven servants are
usually employed. They are a butler, a chauffeur, a parlor maid, a cook,
a laundress, a nurse-maid and a chambermaid. A lady's maid and a valet
are sometimes added. A footman, laundry-maid and scullery-maid are also
added, sometimes, to the corps of servants. But this list may be
increased or diminished according to the requirements of the individual
family. For instance, a second-man may be placed underthe direction of
the butler; a gardener and his assistants may be charged with the care of
the environs; while grooms may be employed to care for the horses in the
stables. But usually these additional servants are the luxuries of the
extremely wealthy and should hot be indulged in by those who cannot
afford them. In the home where there are several men servants and
several women servants, it is the best plan for the wife to supervise the
duties and responsibilities of the women, leaving the men to be directed
by her husband. It is important, though, for the mistress of the house
not to give counter commands to servants who are under her husband's
supervision, for this may cause a friction that is not conducive to the
best service on the part of the help.
THE BUTLER
The duties of the butler confine him to the drawing-room and dining-room.
The dining-room, however, is his particular domain; he sees that
everything is in order, that the table is laid correctly, the lighting
effect satisfactory, the flowers arranged, and in short that the room and
appointments are in perfect readiness for a punctual meal. In this work
a parlor maid assists him by sweeping and dusting, and a pantry-maid
helps him by keeping everything immaculate and in readiness in the
pantry. The butler serves at breakfast, luncheon and dinner.
Where there is a second-man, he may assist the butler with the serving
at dinner; and at large entertainments the maid who assists in the pantry
may also be requested to serve. The butler also is in charge of the
afternoon-tea duties, in homes where this custom prevails. He brings in
the tray, arranges it for the hostess and sees that everyone is served.
Where there are only a few servants, the butler may be expected to help
with the dishes, polish the silver and assist in the pantry. But if
there are maid servants, and a second-man to do the heavier work, then he
is expected to serve in a small measure as the valet for the master of
the house. He lays out his evening clothes, brushes and presses the
garments worn in the morning, and draws his bath. Sometimes, when his
domestic duties are very light, the butler is requested to serve as
footman to the mistress when she goes riding in the afternoon. An
important duty of the butler is to answer the door bell whenever it
rings. He must see that the front door and the hall is in order and
well-swept, and that the drawing-room door is locked every night after
the family has retired. A great deal of the comfort and pleasure of the
family depends upon the manner in which the butler attends to his duties.
CORRECT DRESS FOR THE BUTLER
Neatness of attire is extremely important. The butler should be
clean-shaven, and he should not fail to be fresh-shaven every day. His
hair should not be closely cropped, but cut loosely, and it should be
well-brushed at all times. Well-kept nails are, of course, very
important not only for the butler but for anyone who serves at the table
or has anything to do with the food. As nearly as possible, the butler's
costume should parallel the following description, but each passing
season finds some minor detail slightly changed, and each new season
finds a slight variation from the costume of the season before. So the
best thing to do is to find out definitely from a reliable clothier or
from the men's furnishing department of a large department store, just
what the butler's costume of the present time consists of. Ordinarily,
the butler wears white linen in the morning, with black or dark gray
trousers, a black waistcoast that buttons high, and a swallow-tail coat.
It is also permissible for him to wear a short roundtail coat in the
morning hours; it is similar to the gentleman's tailless evening coat,
but it is not faced with silk. A black or dark tie and black shoes
complete the outfit, which is worn until after the midday meal. If
guests are to be entertained at luncheon, the butler wears his afternoon
and evening livery. Otherwise he dons it only after luncheon or about
three o'clock in the afternoon. It consists of complete black evening
dress similar in cut and style to that worn by gentlemen. There are no
braidings or facings, though the material of the suit may be every whit
as excellent in quality as that worn by the master of the house. The
butler does not wear a white waistcoat, a watch chain, or jeweled studs
with his after noon or evening livery. Nor may he wear a boutonniere or
an assertive tie or patent leather shoes. And it is extremely bad taste
for him to use perfume of any kind. He wears white linen with plain
white studs in the shirt front, a standing collar, white lawn tie and
plain black shoes. His watch is slipped into his waistcoast pocket
without chain or fob. White gloves are no longer the custom for men
servants in the private home. When acting as footman to his mistress in
the afternoon, the butler wears the livery described for the second man.
In cold weather he is supplied with a long footman's coat; and he is also
supplied with a top hat and gloves, all matching in color and style those
worn by the chauffeur.
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