Every Man In His Humour

B >> Ben Jonson >> Every Man In His Humour

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11

ENTER BOBADILLA, LORENZO JUN., MATHEO, STEPHANO.
MAT. Signior, did you ever see the like clown of him where we were to-day:
Signior Prospero's brother? I think the whole earth cannot shew his like,
by Jesu.

LOR. JU. We were now speaking of him, Signior Bobadillo tells me he is
fallen foul of you too.

MAT. Oh ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.

BOB. Ay, but I think I taught you a trick this morning for that. You
shall kill him without all question, if you be so minded.

MAT. Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.

BOB. Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion; you are too dull,
too tardy: oh, it must be done like lightning, hay!

MAT. Oh, rare.

BOB. Tut, 'tis nothing an't be not done in a --

LOR. JU. Signior, did you never play with any of our masters here?

MAT. Oh, good sir.

BOB. Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous humour, there came
three or four of them to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance
to be resident at that time, to intreat my presence at their schools, and
withal so much importuned me, that (I protest to you as I am a gentleman) I
was ashamed of their rude demeanour out of all measure: well, I told them
that to come to a public school they should pardon me, it was opposite to
my humour, but if so they would attend me at my lodging, I protested to do
them what right or favour I could, as I was a gentleman, etc.

LOR. JU. So sir, then you tried their skill.

BOB. Alas, soon tried: you shall hear, sir, within two or three days
after they came, and by Jesu, good Signior, believe me, I graced them
exceedingly, shewed them some two or three tricks of prevention hath got
them since admirable credit, they cannot deny this; and yet now they hate
me, and why? Because I am excellent, and for no other reason on the earth.

LOR. JU. This is strange and vile as ever I heard.

BOB. I will tell you, sir, upon my first coming to the city, they
assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walk'd
alone in divers places of the city; as upon the Exchange, at my lodging,
and at my ordinary, where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a
street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe
me; yet all this lenity will not depress their spleen; they will be doing
with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad with his foot at
pleasure: by my soul, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in
murder: I am loth to bear any other but a bastinado for them, and yet I
hold it good policy not to go disarm'd, for though I be skilful, I may be
suppressed with multitudes.

LOR. JU. Ay, by Jesu, may you, sir, and (in my conceit) our whole nation
should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.

BOB. Alas, no: what's a peculiar man to a nation? not seen.

LOR. JU. Ay, but your skill, sir.

BOB. Indeed, that might be some loss, but who respects it? I will tell
you, Signior, (in private) I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to
myself; but were I known to the Duke (observe me) I would undertake (upon
my head and life) for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare
the entire lives of his subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay,
three parts of his yearly charges, in holding wars generally against all
his enemies; and how will I do it, think you?

LOR. JU. Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.

BOB. Marry, thus, I would select nineteen more to myself, throughout the
land, gentlemen they should be of good spirit; strong and able
constitution, I would choose them by an instinct, a trick that I have, and
I would teach these nineteen the special tricks, as your punto, your
reverso, your stoccato, your imbroccato, your passado, your montanto, till
they could all play very near or altogether as well as myself. This done,
say the enemy were forty thousand strong: we twenty would come into the
field the tenth of March, or thereabouts, and would challenge twenty of the
enemy; they could not in their honour refuse the combat: well, we would
kill them: challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them;
twenty more, kill them too; and thus would we kill every man his twenty a
day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a
day, five days a thousand: forty thousand; forty times five, five times
forty, two hundred days kills them all, by computation, and this will I
venture my life to perform: provided there be no treason practised upon us.

LOR. JU. Why, are you so sure of your hand at all times?

BOB. Tut, never mistrust, upon my soul.

LOR. JU. Mass, I would not stand in Signior Giuliano's state, then, an you
meet him, for the wealth of Florence.

BOB. Why Signior, by Jesu, if he were here now, I would not draw my weapon
on him, let this gentleman do his mind, but I will bastinado him (by
heaven) an ever I meet him.

[ENTER GIULIANO AND GOES OUT AGAIN.

MAT. Faith, and I'll have a fling at him.

LOR. JU. Look, yonder he goes, I think.

GIU. 'Sblood, what luck have I, I cannot meet with these bragging rascals.

BOB. It's not he: is it?

LOR. JU. Yes, faith, it is he.

MAT. I'll be hang'd then if that were he.

LOR. JU. Before God, it was he: you make me swear.

STEP. Upon my salvation, it was he.

BOB. Well, had I though it had been he, he could not have gone so, but I
cannot be induced to believe it was he yet.

[ENTER GIU.
GIU. Oh, gallant, have I found you? draw to your tools; draw, or by God's
will I'll thrash you.

BOB. Signior, hear me.

GIU. Draw your weapons then.

BOB. Signior, I never thought it till now: body of St. George, I have a
warrant of the peace served on me even now, as I came along, by a
water-bearer, this gentleman saw it, Signior Matheo.

GIU. The peace! 'Sblood, you will not draw?

[MATHEO RUNS AWAY. HE BEATS HIM AND DISARMS HIM.

LOR. JU. Hold, Signior, hold, under thy favour forbear.

GIU. Prate again as you like this, you whoreson cowardly rascal, you'll
control the point, you? your consort he is gone; had he staid he had
shared with you, in faith.
[EXIT GIULIANO.

BOB. Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by Jesu.

LOR. JU. Why, and though you were, sir, the law allows you to defend
yourself; that's but a poor excuse.

BOB. I cannot tell; I never sustained the like disgrace (by heaven); sure
I was struck with a planet then, for I had no power to touch my weapon.
[EXIT.

LOR. JU. Ay, like enough; I have heard of many that have been beaten under
a planet; go, get you to the surgeon's, 'sblood, an these be your tricks,
your passados, and your montantos, I'll none of them: O God, that this age
should bring forth such creatures! come, cousin.

STEP. Mass, I'll have this cloak.

LOR. JU. God's will: it's Giuliano's.

STEP. Nay, but 'tis mine now, another might have ta'en it up as well as I,
I'll wear it, so I will.

LOR. JU. How an he see it? he'll challenge it, assure yourself.

STEP. Ay, but he shall not have it; I'll say I bought it.

LOR. JU. Advise you, cousin, take heed he give not you as much.
[EXEUNT.

ENTER THORELLO, PROSPERO, BIANCHA, HESPERIDA.

THO. Now trust me, Prospero, you were much to blame,
T' incense your brother and disturb the peace
Of my poor house, for there be sentinels,
That every minute watch to give alarms
Of civil war, without adjection
Of your assistance and occasion.

PROS. No harm done, brother, I warrant you: since there is no harm done,
anger costs a man nothing: an a tall man is never his own man till he be
angry, to keep his valour in obscurity, is to keep himself as it were in a
cloak-bag: what's a musician unless he play? what's a tall man unless he
fight? for indeed, all this my brother stands upon absolutely, and that
made me fall in with him so resolutely.

BIA. Ay, but what harm might have come of it?

PROS. Might? So might the good warm clothes your husband wears be
poison'd for any thing he knows, or the wholesome wine he drunk even now at
the table.

THO. Now, God forbid: O me! now I remember,
My wife drunk to me last; and changed the cup,
And bade me wear this cursed suit to-day,
See if God suffer murder undiscover'd!
I feel me ill; give me some mithridate,
Some mithridate and oil; good sister, fetch me,
Oh, I am sick at heart: I burn, I burn;
If you will save my life, go fetch it me.

PROS. Oh, strange humour, my very breath hath poison'd him.

HES. Good brother, be content, what do you mean?
The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you.

BIA. Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Prospero,
For putting such a toy into his head.

PROS. Is a fit simile a toy? will he be poison'd with a simile?
Brother Thorello, what a strange and vain imagination is this?
For shame to be wiser, on my soul there's no such matter.

THO. Am I not sick? how am I then not poison'd?
Am I not poison'd? how am I then so sick?

BIA. If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.

PROS. His jealousy is the poison he hath taken.

[ENTER MUSCO LIKE THE DOCTOR'S MAN.
MUS. Signior Thorello, my master, Doctor Clement, salutes you, and desires
to speak with you, with all speed possible.

THO. No time but now? Well, I'll wait upon his worship, Piso, Cob, I'll
seek them out, and set them sentinels till I return. Piso, Cob, Piso
[EXIT.

PROS. Musco, this is rare, but how got'est thou this apparel of the
Doctor's man?

MUS. Marry sir. My youth would needs bestow the wine on me to hear some
martial discourse; where I so marshall'd him, that I made him monstrous
drunk, and because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript
him stark naked as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to deliver
this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour and an old brown bill
to watch him till my return: which shall be when I have pawn'd his
apparel, and spent the money perhaps.

PROS. Well, thou art a mad knave, Musco, his absence will be a good
subject for more mirth: I pray thee return to thy young master Lorenzo,
and will him to meet me and Hesperida at the Friary presently: for here,
tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy, that there is no room for
love to stand upright in: but I'll use such means she shall come thither,
and that I think will meet best with his desires: Hie thee, good Musco.

MUS. I go, sir.
[EXIT.

[ENTER THORELLO, TO HIM PISO.
THO. Ho, Piso, Cob, where are these villains, trow?
Oh, art thou there? Piso, hark thee here:
Mark what I say to thee, I must go forth;
Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch,
Note every gallant and observe him well,
That enters in my absence to thy mistress;
If she would shew him rooms, the jest is stale,
Follow them, Piso, or else hang on him,
And let him not go after, mark their looks;
Note if she offer but to see his band,
Or any other amorous toy about him,
But praise his leg, or foot, or if she say,
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand,
How hot it is, oh, that's a monstrous thing:
Note me all this, sweet Piso; mark their sighs,
And if they do but whisper, break them off,
I'll bear thee out in it: wilt thou do this?
Wilt thou be true, sweet Piso?

PIS. Most true, sir.

THO. Thanks, gentle Piso: where is Cob? Now: Cob?
[EXIT THORELLO.

BIA. He's ever calling for Cob, I wonder how he employs Cob so.

PROS. Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary question
for you that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be
satisfied in: but this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd
indeed, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house, marry, to what end I
cannot altogether accuse him, imagine you what you think convenient: but I
have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, I can tell you.

BIA. Never said you truer than that, brother! Piso, fetch your cloke, and
go with me, I'll after him presently: I would to Christ I could take him
there, I'faith.
[EXEUNT PISO AND BIANCHA.

PROS. So let them go: this may make sport anon, now, my fair sister
Hesperida: ah, that you knew how happy a thing it were to be fair and
beautiful!

HES. That toucheth not me, brother.

PROS. That's true: that's even the fault of it, for indeed beauty stands
a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching: but, sister, whether
it touch you or no, it touches your beauties, and I am sure they willabide
the touch, as they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I! And it touches
me too in part, though not in thee. Well, there's a dear and respected
friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly affected towards you, and hath
vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal in his heart, in honour of your
perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where you
shall hear him confirm much more than I am able to lay down for him:
Signior Lorenzo is the man: what say you, sister; shall I intreat so much
favour of you for my friend, as to direct and attend you to his meeting?
Upon my soul, he loves you extremely, approve it, sweet Hesperida, will you?

HES. Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy, if I durst
not meet a man: but, brother Prospero, this motion of yours savours of an
old knight adventurer's servant, methinks.

PROS. What's that, sister?

HES. Marry, of the squire.

PROS. No matter, Hesperida, if it did, I would be such an one for my
friend, but say, will you go?

HES. Brother, I will, and bless my happy stars.

[ENTER CLEMENT AND THORELLO.
CLEM. Why, what villainy is this, my man gone on a false message, and run
away when he has done, why, what trick is there in it, trow! 1, 2, 3, 4,
and 5.

THO. How! Is my wife gone forth, where is she, sister!

HES. She's gone abroad with Piso.

THO. Abroad with Piso? Oh, that villain dors me,
He hath discovered all unto my wife,
Beast that I was to trust him: whither went she?

HES. I know not, sir.

PROS. I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone.

THO. Whither, for God's sake!

PROS. To Cob's house, I believe: but keep my counsel.

THO. I will, I will, to Cob's house! Doth she haunt Cob's?
She's gone with a purpose now to cuckold me,
With that lewd rascal, who to win her favour,
Hath told her all
[EXIT.

CLEM. But did your mistress see my man bring him a message?

PROS. That we did, master Doctor.

CLEM. And whither went the knave?

PROS. To the tavern, I think, sir.

CLEM. What, did Thorello give him any thing to spend for the message he
brought him? if he did I should commend my man's wit exceedingly if he
would make himself drunk with the joy of it, farewell, lady, keep good
rule, you two, I beseech you now: by God's --; marry, my man makes me
laugh.
[EXIT.

PROS. What a mad doctor is this! Come, sister, let's away.
[EXEUNT.

[ENTER MATHEO AND BOBADILLA.
MAT. I wonder, Signior, what they will say of my going away, ha?

BOB. Why, what should they say? but as of a discreet gentleman.
Quick, wary, respectful of natures,
Fair lineaments, and that's all.

MAT. Why so, but what can they say of your beating?

BOB. A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery used,
laid on strongly: borne most patiently, and that's all.

MAT. Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice?

BOB. Tut, I assure you no? you shall have there your Nobilis, your
Gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you
firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the
assaulto with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood. But
wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was bewitch'd, by Jesu: but I
will be revenged.

MAT. Do you hear, is't not best to get a warrant and have him arrested,
and brought before Doctor Clement?

BOB. It were not amiss, would we had it.

[ENTER MUSCO.

MAT. Why, here comes his man, let's speak to him.

BOB. Agreed, do you speak.

MAT. God save you, sir.

MUS. With all my heart, sir.

MAT. Sir, there is one Giuliano hath abused this gentleman and me, and we
determine to make our amends by law, now if you would do us the favour to
procure us a warrant, for his arrest, of your master, you shall be well
considered, I assure I'faith, sir.

MUS. Sir, you know my service is my living, such favours as these gotten
of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must consider me as
I may make benefit of my place.

MAT. How is that?

MUS. Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be of
great account: yet be what he will, if you will lay me down five crowns in
my hand, you shall have it, otherwise not.

MAT. How shall we do, Signior? You have no money.

BOB. Not a cross,, by Jesu.

MAT. Nor I, before God, but two pence, left of my two shillings in the
morning for wine and cakes, let's give him some pawn.

BOB. Pawn? we have none to the value of his demand.

MAT. O Lord, man, I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your
silk stockings, and pull up your boots, they will ne'er be mist.

BOB. Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and put them off.

MAT. Do you hear, sir? We have no store of money at this time,
but you shall have good pawns, look you, sir, this jewel and this
gentleman's silk stockings, because we would have it dispatch'd ere we went
to our chambers.

MUS. I am content, sir, I will get you the warrant presently. What's his
name, say you, Giuliano?

MAT. Ay, ay, Giuliano.

MUS. What manner of man is he?

MAT. A tall, big man, sir; he goes in a cloak most commonly of silk
russet, laid about with russet lace.

MUS. 'Tis very good, sir.

MAT. Here, sir, here's my jewel.

BOB. And here are stockings.

MUS. Well, gentlemen, I'll procure this warrant presently, and appoint you
a varlet of the city to serve it, if you'll be upon the Realto anon, the
varlet shall meet you there.

MAT. Very good, sir, I wish no better.
[EXEUNT BOBA. AND MAT.

MUS. This is rare, now will I go pawn this cloak of the doctor's man's at
the broker's for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet myself, and get either
more pawns, or more money of Giuliano for my arrest.
[EXIT.

----------------------

ACT V

SCENE I. - ENTER LORENZO SENIOR.

LOR. SE. Oh, here it is, I am glad I have found it now.
Ho! Who is within here?

[ENTER TIB.
TIB. I am within, sir, what's your pleasure?

LOR. SE. To know who is within besides yourself.

TIB. Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?

LOR. SE. Oh, fear you the constable? Then I doubt not,
You have some guests within deserve that fear;
I'll fetch him straight.

TIB. O' God's name, sir.

LOR. SE. Go to, tell me is not the young Lorenzo here?

TIB. Young Lorenzo, I saw none such, sir, of mine honesty.

LOR. SE. Go to, your honesty flies too lightly from you:
There's no way but fetch the constable.

TIB. The constable, the man is mad, I think.
[CLAPS TO THE DOOR.

[ENTER PISO AND BIANCHA.
PISO. Ho, who keeps house here?

LOR. SE. Oh, this is the female copes-mate of my son.
Now shall I meet him straight.

BIA. Knock, Piso, pray thee.

PIS. Ho, good wife.

TIB. Why, what's the matter with you?

BIA. Why, woman, grieves it you to ope your door?
Belike you get something to keep it shut.

TIB. What mean these questions, pray ye?

BIA. So strange you make it! Is not Thorello, my tried husband, here?

LOR. SE. Her husband?

TIB. I hope he needs not be tried here.

BIA. No, dame: he doth it not for need but pleasure.

TIB. Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.

LOR. SE. This is but a device to balk me withal; Soft, who's this?
[ENTER THORELLO.

BIA. Oh, sir, have I forestall'd your honest market?
Found your close walks? You stand amazed now, do you?
I'faith (I am glad) I have smoked you yet at last;
What's your jewel, trow? In: come, let's see her;
Fetch forth your housewife, dame; if she be fairer
In any honest judgment than myself,
I'll be content with it: but she is change,
She feeds you fat; she soothes your appetite,
And you are well: your wife, an honest woman,
Is meat twice sod to you, sir; Oh, you treachour.

LOR. SE. She cannot counterfeit this palpably.

THO. Out on thee, more than strumpet's impudency,
Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? And have I taken
Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion,
This hoary-headed letcher, this old goat,
Close at your villainy, and would'st thou 'scuse it,
With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me?
Oh, old incontinent, dost thou not shame,
When all thy powers in chastity are spent,
To have a mind so hot? And to entice
And feed the enticements of a lustful woman?

BIA. Out, I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch?

THO. Defy me, strumpet? Ask thy pander here,
Can he deny it? Or that wicked elder.

LOR. SE. Why, hear you, Signior?

THO. Tut, tut, never speak,
Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.

LOR. SE. What lunacy is this that haunts this man?

[ENTER GIU.
GIU. Oh, sister, did you see my cloak?

BIA. Not I, I see none.

GIU. God's life, I have lost it then, saw you Hesperida?

THO. Hesperida? Is she not at home?

GIU. No, she is gone abroad, and nobody can tell me of it at home.
[EXIT.

THO. O heaven! abroad? What light! A harlot too!
Why? Why? hark you, hath she, hath she not a brother?
A brother's house to keep, to look unto?
But she must fling abroad, my wife hath spoil'd her,
She takes right after her, she does, she does,
Well, you goody bawd and --
[ENTER COB.
That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy;
And you, young apple squire, and old cuckold-maker,
I'll have you every one before the Doctor,
Nay, you shall answer it, I charge you go.

LOR. SE. Marry, with all my heart, I'll go willingly: how have I wrong'd
myself in coming here.

BIA. Go with thee? I'll go with thee to thy shame, I warrant thee.

COB. Why, what's the matter? what's here to do?

THO. What, Cob, art thou here? Oh, I am abused,
And in thy house, was never man so wrong'd.

COB. 'Slid, in my house? who wrong'd you in my house?

THO. Marry, young lust in old, and old in young here,
Thy wife's their bawd, here have I taken them.

COB. Do you hear? did I not charge you keep your doors shut here, and do
you let them lie open for all comers, do you scratch?
[COB BEATS HIS WIFE.

LOR. SE. Friend, have patience; if she have done wrong in this, let her
answer it afore the Magistrate.

COB. Ay, come, you shall go afore the Doctor.

TIB. Nay, I will go, I'll see an you may be allowed to beat your poor wife
thus at every cuckoldly knave's pleasure, the devil and the pox take you
all for me: why do you not go now?

THO. A bitter quean, come, we'll have you tamed
[EXEUNT.

[ENTER MUSCO ALONE.
MUS. Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself, being in
this varlet's suit, a man of my present profession never counterfeits till
he lay hold upon a debtor, and says he rests him, for then he brings him to
all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we are, bearing the
diminutive of a mace, made like a young artichoke, that always carries
pepper and salt in itself, well, I know not what danger I undergo by this
exploit, pray God I come well off.

[ENTER BOBADILLA AND MATHEO.
MAT. See, I think yonder is the varlet.

BOB. Let's go in quest of him.

MAT. God save you, friend, are not you here by the appointment of Doctor
Clement's man?

MUS. Yes, an't please you, sir; he told me two gentlemen had will'd him to
procure an arrest upon one Signior Giuliano by a warrant from his master,
which I have about me.

MAT. It is honestly done of you both; and see where he comes you must
arrest; upon him, for God's sake, before he be 'ware.

BOB. Bear back, Matheo!

[ENTER STEPHANO.

MUS. Signior Giuliano, I arrest you, sir, in the Duke's name.

STEP. Signior Giuliano! am I Signior Giuliano? I am one Signior
Stephano, I tell you, and you do not well, by God's lid, to arrest me, I
tell you truly; I am not in your master's books, I would you should well
know; ay, and a plague of God on you for making me afraid thus.

MUS. Why, how are you deceived, gentlemen?

BOB. He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us,
But see, here a comes, officer, this is he.

[ENTER GIULIANO.
GIU. Why, how now, signior gull: are you a turn'd filcher of late? come,
deliver my cloak.

STEP. Your cloak, sir? I bought it even now in the market.

MUS. Signior Giuliano, I must arrest you, sir.

GIU. Arrest me, sir, at whose suit?

MUS. At these two gentlemen's.

GIU. I obey thee, varlet; but for these villains -

MUS. Keep the peace, I charge you, sir, in the Duke's name, sir.

GIU. What's the matter, varlet?

MUS. You must go before master Doctor Clement, sir, to answer what these
gentlemen will object against you, hark you, sir, I will use you kindly.

MAT. We'll be even with you, sir, come, Signior Bobadilla, we'll go before
and prepare the Doctor: varlet, look to him.
[EXEUNT BOBADILLA AND MATHEO.

BOB. The varlet is a tall man, by Jesu.

GIU. Away, you rascals, Signior, I shall have my cloak.

STEP. Your cloak? I say once again, I bought it, and I'll keep it.

GIU. You will keep it?

STEP. Ay, that I will.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11